Time (Challenge 2) - pipTalk Forums

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Allysa

Senior Member

since 1999-11-09

Posts 1952
In an upside-down garden

0 posted 2002-11-05 10:47 AM

Allow the time to stop before you grasp my wings
lavender bubble world with many precious things and my
looking glass is clouded by the smoke in my eyes
you lie and say you wondered where I was last night
Stories told are stories lost and I have disappeared
Allowing time to start before I venture off again.

----------------------------------------------------------------
hmmm... maybe I'll rewrite this later.. maybe not.

"Wie ein Quadrat in einem Kreis, eck' ich immer wieder an obwohl ich doch schon lange weiß, daß ich niemals ändern kann." ~Wizo

vlraynes
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-25

Posts 8229
Somewhere... out there...

1 posted 2002-11-05 02:46 PM

Allysa~
Well, I like it just the way it is.
You've done a wonderful job, and I enjoyed reading this.
Thanks for responding to the challenge.
Hugs,
~Vicky
"...until you have read the verse on his heart,
you have not truly met the poet.
~vlraynes

knightlyshadows
Senior Member

since 2001-04-14

Posts 791
obscured vision

2 posted 2002-11-05 08:21 PM

This was done very prettily Allysa. Lovely images and wistful tone. Good write dear.

“A single choice can build destinies, or destroy them.”

Getting away, isn't Running away.

"The hurt that you try to hide, is killing me."

dinky
Member

since 2002-10-19

Posts 258

3 posted 2002-11-05 09:08 PM

hey,
i really liked this one
cant wait to read more form you.
~sam~

!respect the alphabet!

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

4 posted 2002-11-06 10:58 AM

nice... very nice. I love your choice of words in this poem, very excellently done, Allysa.

I think there are some terrific iambic lines (like "S"), and they leave me wishing that there was more iambic meter in this piece, ya know, just to add that extra special sound to it.

If you revise, consider going iambic.