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LucidityNow
Member

since 2001-02-06

Posts 118
Canada

0 posted 2002-10-31 07:49 AM

A lonely breath is taken
Despairing the dreaded morrow
A world decayed and shaken
Even at best, replete with sorrow

And in its darkest hours
Sitting withered in his place
An old man seethingly scours
Eyes fixed, on his untied bootlace

'Tis been one week since he took his seat
Nor food or water consumed
The scraps of his mind, those not deplete
Have convinced him, he is doomed

'Twas he who chose this tortured death
From this wretched earth exiled
But as his body takes its final breath
His face twists to a smile

Eightfold
New Member

since 2002-10-31

Posts 5

1 posted 2002-10-31 06:00 PM

what beautiful words you use to describe your poem. Everything runs very nicely and sounds very good outloud, as well. Great poem.

quietlydying

Senior Member

since 2001-06-10

Posts 935
the wonderful land of oz

2 posted 2002-11-01 12:26 PM

there was some very fine imagery in this piece, and you did a good job on it. however there were some grammatical errors in it, and it was lacking punctuation. if you fixed those up, i think it would definitel add to the quality of it.

i won't tear it apart, but a quick example that really stuck out to me:

quote:

Nor food or water consumed

whereas:

'not food nor water consumed'

would work better.

just a thought.

anyways, nicely done. it was a good write.

/jen/

what if they gave a war, and nobody came...

Eightfold
New Member

since 2002-10-31

Posts 5

3 posted 2002-11-03 07:27 AM

Thanks for pointing that out, I would never have been the wiser.

NSnaomian
Member

since 2002-07-22

Posts 232
In my troll closet I be

4 posted 2002-11-03 06:52 PM

"But as his body takes its final breath
His face twists to a smile"

I really liked your closing lines. Nice work with this one.

Laura

Real friends are those who, when you feel you've made a fool of yourself, don't feel you've done a permanent job.

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

5 posted 2002-11-04 01:42 PM

Great concept... you wrote of it very well. I had a very hermetic image of the character in my mind the whole time I read this.

I think you would be better served to extend the ending a little bit further, just to enhance its impact. Just my opinion, of course.

Very nice work.

Parasite

Learn to place poetry before people
Before you place your poetry before the people.
~Andrey Kneller

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