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Untitled #2
| Teen Poetry #6 |
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Untitled #2 |
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PoetryIsLife 
since 2001-10-27
Posts 1763...in my boxers... 
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Untitled #2 Sleep calls our name, but duty does the same. So beyond exhaustion, an unknown power moves me. My waking dream would be for you to comfort me. Won't you please? Softly, lovingly, with care, help rest soothe my body, while you soothe my soul. I think too much... please close my eyes with your kiss. |
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| © Copyright 2002 Daniel Redding - All Rights Reserved | |||
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anonymousfemale Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797Limbo |
'ello 'ello  Ti, eh...this one annoyed me a little bit. You started off well then let it slide towards the end. quote: You've started off really well here and based it accordingly. I have no qualms with the opening lines - it's very rare that I do.  quote: You've used me again. This could be just my personal preferences coming through here but using 'me' with only one line in between the two makes the writing seem very closed. Perhaps a rearrangement of the words in that particular line would help. quote: Starts off well - it's almost pleading but a little less subtle. While you soothe my soul was just a tad too cliché for my liking. quote: Ok, this bit I like. It's simple but beautiful. I've got some very nice imagery running around my head at the moment so come on get happy... Overall, it's not exactly a bad piece. It's just lacking your normal spark. I don't know...tell me to shut up - please?  Thanks for posting it Ti. ~AF~ Anti Lemming Crusader - Fight against the conformity! |
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NSnaomian Member
since 2002-07-22
Posts 232In my troll closet I be |
I thought this was very good. Sleep calls our name, but duty does the same. So beyond exhaustion, an unknown power moves me. This bit at the beginning is my fav though. I know basically it is strength but it really reeled me in as I read it, with an OoOoO this will be good, in mind. hehe Very good job I thought Yay for you!;o) =-=-Sleep calls our name, but duty does the same. So beyond exhaustion, an unknown power moves me. =-Laura-= Real friends are those who, when you feel you've made a fool of yourself, don't feel you've done a permanent job. |
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foreverwithyou Member
since 2002-10-20
Posts 204Wonderland |
I thought that this poem was kewl |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
Not bad, Titus. I like some of the concepts and emotions, but your word usage is kind of elementary. I didn't read all of EJ's reply, but she usually knows what she's talking about... so take her seriously. The ending is okay. Kind of a bit too cheesy for my taste, but on the other hand, your poetry tends to burn my tongue. See you around, Ti Parasite |
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Skyfire
since 2000-12-27
Posts 3381Riding |
*thinks* I like this one, Ti. I've read it over a couple times, and I do like it. I don't really have anything intelligent to say cause it's 10:30 in the morning, but I could definately feel the emotion that you're trying to hide. Email me, man, I wanna know if you're okay  |
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PoetryIsLife
since 2001-10-27
Posts 1763...in my boxers... |
My poetry burns your tongue, does it Allan? Ahahahahaha.....  Thank you, annfem. I'll go more into your thoughts later.Rhonda.... I'll email you. By the way, what you want to know, not really. Sincerely, Titus "A life unexamined is not worth living." -Socrates [This message has been edited by PoetryIsLife (10-30-2002 02:53 PM).] |
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