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quietlydying

Senior Member

since 2001-06-10

Posts 935
the wonderful land of oz

0 posted 2002-10-27 01:25 PM

Daisy jumps
and frolics with the
other girls,
grasshoppers underneath
the pale purple
sky.

On the bridge
they leap
and dance
and giggle.

Dropping stones through
the cracks,
smashing [souls] apart
on the rocks below.

These days
it's the only
sanctuary
they have.
Blessed with an empty
family
they know no better.

Rattle,
         rattle/rattle

stuck in chains,
They're all alone now,
anonymous children.

Run

and jump.
Up you go,
pretty girl don’t fall.

Somebody throws a rock
and down she drops.

Swirling
and faster,
she can't stay up.

Through and through
these topaz memories,
lingering
on the sound
of innocently
insincere
laughter
from the bridge.

Breathe baby breathe.

Eight sugarless years.
Pigtails soaked in
velvet brine,
she smells
of violets
and a certain death.

Another shrine
for the dashboard -
This place too,
has gone.

Scatterbrain.Scatterbrain.
Don't trip.  Don't fall.

Daisy’s only eight.

[[[[this is a venting piece.  hence it's, well...  you know the word.]]]]

/jen/

what if they gave a war, and nobody came...

[This message has been edited by quietlydying (10-27-2002 01:26 PM).]

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

1 posted 2002-10-27 01:31 PM

Very, very nice, Jen... even your vents are full of your poetic fortitude.

I have to say one thing I like about this is that you didn't load it with all your favourite forms of punctuation.  Usually when I open up one of your poems, I can expect a whole diaper load of italics, brackets, slashes, hyphens, whatever the flavour of the day seems to be.  But here you were more sparing with them.  I appreciate that, it gives the poem more breathing room.

On the other hand, that might be due to the fact that this poem is a bit longer than the others.  At least it seems to be.  Maybe it's just me, maybe.  Who knows.

Your title made me really want to read this.  Your titles always do that.  Geez.

Parasite

Learn to place poetry before people
Before you place your poetry before the people.
~Andrey Kneller

Pip
Member

since 2001-09-14

Posts 59

2 posted 2002-10-27 08:20 PM

It pulled me along, the rhythm, it did.

Great vent, intakes and ducts. Quite enjoyable!

cherish
Senior Member

since 2001-03-25

Posts 1639
swimming in fairy floss...........

3 posted 2002-10-27 08:43 PM

Geeze, this went straight in and hit something (prolly resembling a heart) hard. i dont know, everytime I read a poem of yours, it just makes me sit up and feel as though something changes within. im sounding corny, I'll stop.

Do you mind if I print this one out?

Nice blend of innocence and the not-so-innocent. Loved it.

Are you scared? BOO! Are you now?

clumsy
Member

since 2002-10-10

Posts 106
canada.

4 posted 2002-10-28 10:45 AM

i wanna be a milk carton kid.
le sigh.

foreverwithyou
Member

since 2002-10-20

Posts 204
Wonderland

5 posted 2002-10-28 06:41 PM

I liked this I thought that it was really good one of the best poems I've read on this site.I liked the way that you had the /rattle/rattle/ (that little thing)in there I thought that it was kewl how you put this poem together I enjoyed it

anonymousfemale
Member Elite

since 2000-02-02

Posts 2797
Limbo

6 posted 2002-10-29 05:30 PM

Jen, you already know how much I love this piece. The sheer complexitity of the human psyche comes alive throughout the entire write, making it personal yet from a distance.
The descriptions of Daisy make her out to be much more than a typical eight year old. I am seeing things in here from other situations yet allowing it to retain its childlike uniqueness. I know I am not making much sense at the moment but this piece has really hit me. It did so the other day and has again. You're one hell of a talented writer, Jen - don't ever forget that.

Into the library it will hibernate.

~AF~

Anti Lemming Crusader - Fight against the conformity!

NSnaomian
Member

since 2002-07-22

Posts 232
In my troll closet I be

7 posted 2002-10-29 08:10 PM

Definitely good for my library. Extraordinary! I really enjoyed this(as you can see). Daisy, wow. What a job you did, wow. I don't really know what to say except my usual! Yay for you!

=-Laura-=

Real friends are those who, when you feel you've made a fool of yourself, don't feel you've done a permanent job.

NSnaomian
Member

since 2002-07-22

Posts 232
In my troll closet I be

8 posted 2002-10-29 08:16 PM

You know what I hate? Sometimes I say I'm going to do something, I get side-tracked and it doesn't happen. Well anyway. I forgot to add to library hehe.
Tah Tah!
=-Laura-=

Real friends are those who, when you feel you've made a fool of yourself, don't feel you've done a permanent job.

skyshine

Member Elite

since 2002-02-07

Posts 3058
Beneath the northern stars

9 posted 2002-10-29 11:13 PM

Definitely a very intriguing piece.

--Beth

Howl at the stars, whisper when you're sleeping, I'll be there to hold you, I'll be there to stop the chills and all the weeping.

vlraynes
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-25

Posts 8229
Somewhere... out there...

10 posted 2002-11-02 12:14 PM

Hi, Jen.
I apologize for taking so long to reply to this piece.
I've been to this thread at least a half dozen times,
and each time, I've read the poem at least twice.
I keep thinking that I'm actually going to come
up with a reply to do this poem justice, but
it's just not happening, so I'll stop trying..lol.

This is an excellent piece of writing, and
I truly enjoyed reading it...all 20 times.
You have a way with words that causes your poems
to have a very powerful impact on the reader,
and this is no exception to that.
You are an extremely talented writer, Jen, and each
thing I read from you, seems better than the last.
Awesome write, my friend!
Hugs,
~Vicky
"...until you have read the verse on his heart,
you have not truly met the poet.
~vlraynes

devinechild22
Senior Member

since 2002-08-28

Posts 571

11 posted 2002-11-02 01:37 PM

I love this. I`d have to say it is your best work. I really really enjoyed this. IT had sooo much emotion that was very well expressed. Superb job!!!
*Allison*

lil cherry
Member

since 2002-10-02

Posts 86
Ont, Can.

12 posted 2002-11-02 06:58 PM

absolutely awe inspiring. I don't even know what to say that could descrive how much i enjoyed this poem. amazing work. wow.
~~*lil cherry*~~

HopelessRomanticGuy
Member

since 2001-08-17

Posts 495
LI, New York

13 posted 2002-11-02 08:00 PM

If I though mere words written by my hands could do this justice, I would use them all, yet nothing I can say comes even close to the art that is this poem. And yet, somthing must be said... I do believe this poem is on a completely different level from what I've seen before. (I could go on and on, but I'll spare you that trauma.. lol) Suffice to say, it is, as of now, one of the best poems I've ever read.

-Rich

"You can't hurt meee!! 'Cause I've got on my cheeeeese helmet!"

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

14 posted 2002-11-04 10:50 AM

I enjoyed the beginning moreso than the middle, and I enjoyed the ending moreso than the middle as well. I feel like somewhere in the middle a bit of the flare was lost. Those are my feelings, but these are also: I really loved this piece. I thought it was an amazing write. Thanks for posting it.

This post has been brought to you by the 'Totally Awesome Society of Puerto Rican Egotistical Sexy Men'.

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