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Tumbles
| Teen Poetry #6 |
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Tumbles |
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Riley 
since 2002-07-18
Posts 1038in the pouring rain 
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white splashed against seeping red pelts majority tears clasp onto the ground fingernails digging in the shiny leaves against a flea-bitten substance of sorts amazing lack of creativity balance spilt like juice on the open floor feeble attempts to clense forgotten with minutes and hours jokes heard to many times to be funny anymore they all fall so easily now, i just can't stop no more questions please, it hurts to bad just go away, now! favors of unjustly musicals of life hatred floats down like an unbreakable bubble yet somehow you understand physical pain is cleared, pushed away like the wind pushes 'way the ugly clouds on an overcast day taking over my life ~*I'm not gonna say I'm gorgeous, that for you to decide, if you really wanna know me, see the world through my eyes*~ [This message has been edited by Riley (10-27-2002 02:31 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 Riley Grant - All Rights Reserved | |||
Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
Some of your lines seem kind of lonely, Ri, and I think it's due to the fact that you lacked a transition between them and those prior. You made each line kind of separate, in so many places that it kind of became redundant and started to bug me a little. One thing I think you should avoid is lines like "man chopping down a tree," which just says some kind of image... what about it? Nothing about it, you just move onto another one. I know that line didn't appear in your poem, but I'm too lazy to go back and get one that actually did. I hope you see what I'm saying there.  Try to make sure that your lines all have something to do with your poem, and even if they do, make it more apparent that they do. Trust me on this. That's the only bad thing I have to say about the poem... the rest of it is pure gold. I like how you invent things like "unbreakable bubble" or "shiny leaves" and use them like they're normal, everyday concepts... or even use them in similies. That's such a neat element of your writing. Nice work, Miss Riley. It's always a pleasure to read yours.  Parasite Learn to place poetry before people |
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