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Teen Poetry #6
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My Girls Eyes
| Teen Poetry #6 |
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My Girls Eyes |
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Darkness Member
since 2002-10-17
Posts 202The place just beyond my eyes, where my spirit flies. |
My Girl’s Eyes Do you want to see the best in life? Why don’t you look in my girl’s eyes? Do you want to see great blue skies? Why don’t you look in my girl’s eyes? Do you want to see caring and tenderness? Why don’t you look in my girl’s eyes? Do you want to see the promised land? Why don’t you look in my girl’s eyes? Do you want to see the pot of gold, at the end of the rainbow? Why don’t you look in my girl’s eyes? Do you want to see the light from Heaven? Why don’t you look in my girl’s eyes? Do you want to see fresh cool water, and green rolling hills? Why don’t you look in my girl’s eyes? Do you want to see the spirit, the spirit of God himself? Why don’t you look in my girl’s eyes? Do you want to see the end offorever? Because we’ll still be together. Just take a look in my girl’s eyes. If you still doubt why I love her Just re-read all the above lines. |
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| © Copyright 2002 Sam Prond - All Rights Reserved | |||
Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
Darkness, this is lame. You took an elementary concept and used it for your entire poem. Line, repeated line... ugh, that never works out right, and I'm not afraid to tell you so. "Look into my girl's eyes" is even a tad cliche. Which is one reason you don't want it being every other line of your poem. You're a very good writer, man... so don't insult yourself by trying to write something in this style. It will honestly take you nowhere. Go your own way.  Parasite Learn to place poetry before people |
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Darkness Member
since 2002-10-17
Posts 202The place just beyond my eyes, where my spirit flies. |
My girlfriend really liked that poem. I wrote it for her on her birthday. I meant all that I said so how, could it not be my style. I don't know, I guess I'm not old enough to know whats good or not. Oh Well, It still means a lot to me and my little  |
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cmonkiki Junior Member
since 2002-10-18
Posts 11Ohio, USA |
Thank you parasite for taking something away. that poem means alot to darkness and i. it was the first thing he ever wrote to a person, ode to a dancer being second. every person present at my party cried when he read it to me, including me. thanks again my friend says you are very inconsiderate, why do you care if it's cliche, it means something to them You post some good work and constructive critism but im sorry this is a poem written to me. and it hurt that you said to darkness that it was cliche and an elementary concept. |
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Darkness Member
since 2002-10-17
Posts 202The place just beyond my eyes, where my spirit flies. |
you gettum kiki!!! |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
quote: Hmm.... I have to admit, that's overdone. The sentiment is sweet, but the writing is blank. It doesn't progress. It just catalogues emotions, without digging deeper into those emotions. I'm glad your girl enjoyed it -- it works on that level, anyway. Oh well, back to work. Mikey |
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aries_luv_ppl Senior Member
since 2001-09-20
Posts 1448Universal Mind |
>Do you want to see the end offorever? >Because we’ll still be together. >Just take a look in my girl’s eyes. >If you still doubt why I love her >Just re-read all the above lines. I like those lines The other I would admit rather repetitive, but it doesn't matter, if your girl loves it Eliza Simmons |
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Darkness Member
since 2002-10-17
Posts 202The place just beyond my eyes, where my spirit flies. |
Precisely! |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
Was I too harsh? Well I don't know... your critique flag says "Just tell me what you think." So I guess I took that to mean, just tell you what I think... and I did? It's fine to have certain pieces that mean a lot to you. And I'm not excusing myself or anything, but my advice to you is to make a footnote in those ones clearly stating "please don't critique this one, it means a lot to me." Nothing wrong with that, I'm sure you've seen people do it all the time in here. You say you would like to do whatever you can to get better, so... I tried to express to you exactly my feelings on this poem, and how it might be improved. Personally, my thoughts were that the best way to improve on this piece itself would be to rewrite it completely... maybe at least do away with the repetition... so I felt there was no reason to hold back on my opinion. I apologize if I've hurt anyone, but I still feel that my actions were justified... I do enjoy a lot of your writing, Darkness. Don't get me wrong, I like having you here. And by no means did I intend for anything personal. Well, I'll give this poem a bump, and maybe you can get some more feedback... of the kind you would prefer, rather than the kind I am capable of offering. See you around. Parasite [This message has been edited by Local Parasite (11-08-2002 11:25 AM).] |
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Darkness Member
since 2002-10-17
Posts 202The place just beyond my eyes, where my spirit flies. |
Its not that its just that you called it LAME. I can take the critiques just dont make direct comments like that. Its like you took something that was close to my heart and dashed it on the floor. |
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Darkness Member
since 2002-10-17
Posts 202The place just beyond my eyes, where my spirit flies. |
Hey local Parasite. Just delete it. Nobody really likes it anyway. |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
What are you talkin' about? I don't have the power to delete. 'Sides, there's a lot of people in this forum that read for content rather than structure. I just don't happen to be one of those people. |
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Spine Grinder Senior Member
since 2000-10-28
Posts 1127Standing In Silence... |
Sorry Darkness, but I'm gonna go with LP on this one, the repetition was a bit 2 much 4 me...the rest i liked, i just think that the repetition kinda ruined it.  You can close your eyes to things you dont want to see,but u cant close your heart to things you dont want to feel. |
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devinechild22 Senior Member
since 2002-08-28
Posts 571 |
Hey Darkness....I dont really knw you but hey man....Brian wasnt tryin to hurt your feeling..He was tryin to make you better...People did it a lot to me when I first started here and I do have to admit it hurt me sometimes but I took what they said and used it. It does help believe me. We all feel upset sometimes when we have this piece we love so much and other people dont like it. I do have to admit that it wasnt the best it could be. Dont get any of us wrong we are all here to help each other..That is why Brian replied to your poem..It was because he wanted to help make you a better poet...If that poem means a lot to you then you should just forget about what Brian said..If you like it then I guess that that is all that matters but still keep in mind that in no way was anyone tryin to hurt you...and maybe if you dont want people to say what they think you shouldnt post such a personal post...Ok I think that that is all.. P.S. I dont think it was right to go and attack Brian and have you g/f come and attack too...Maybe it couldve been handled better than that... *Allison* |
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Riley
since 2002-07-18
Posts 1038in the pouring rain |
Ok, I have to agree with both partly. Brian because ya know it says tell me what u think on ur critique thing and if you didn't want it to be critiqued say so. I dunno. Just my two cents. Riley ~*Pain strikes my heart, water drips down my face, I now stand in front of you, full of shame and disgrace*~ |
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LCBS Senior Member
since 2001-11-29
Posts 532Connecticut |
Now, I am one of those people, who says they read for structure....but is really about the content. And here is my honest, unbiased opinion. The poem as a whole needed some work. Not so much the repition (because I'm a fan of repition) but how you placed it within the poem. That is a personal preference however, your girlfriend obviously enjoyed it very much. From an emotional standpoint--it was very cliche. Now poets run away screaming from cliche because we have been taught to fear it. All cliche means to me is that many people have expressed their feelings in the same way you did. And in a way, that is what we all want, someone to relate to. Someone who feels the same way we do, and expresses it the same way we do. I still stand by that cliche is evil, but maybe in your case it works. Good for you, I hope that you and your girlfriend are happy and that she has a wonderful birthday. ~Lisa |
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clve527 Member
since 2002-07-08
Posts 200 |
I agree with Parasite here, this is very weak as a poem. If it was meant for your girlfriend, that is fine. She will enjoy it because you wrote it to her. But that does not mean that people who actually enjoy poetry as a writing method will share the same sentiment. Casey |
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