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Dopey Dope
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Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

0 posted 2002-10-26 03:04 PM


NOTE: This one rhymes guys. It's a style I wrote in this poem and never tried again. This post is here because Rhonda (skyfire) asked for me to post again. What a whiner Anyhow, have fun......
The New Day:


And so the glow of what you know is forever gone.
You see the free of newness glee is in the cropping sun.
It's plant, the pant, of all our grants within the world so cold.
This blue, our shoe, of cooper brew conceals all of mold.

Yes, regress, to the seas of green.
Show, glow, within the new shine sheen.
Pity, giddy, it's all the same to me.
Greed, the need that cages the free.

It's in the us of wordly love that feels there's no time left.
It's true, and nothing but, through world and past regret.
Turn away, the new time day, a place where lost was found.
The sun of gun, a new time done, begins in bloody ground.


This post has been brought to you by the 'Totally Awesome Society of Puerto Rican Egotistical Sexy Men'.

[This message has been edited by Dopey Dope (10-26-2002 03:05 PM).]

© Copyright 2002 Pepe de la Muerte - All Rights Reserved
Morgana Le Fay
Junior Member
since 2002-10-25
Posts 22

1 posted 2002-10-26 06:17 PM


I kind of like it and I kind of don't... I'm not really into rhyming so maybe that's why. But no excuses for you. You can do better.

by the woods, you hear it creeping, and you know, they're the blood in you

anonymousfemale
Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797
Limbo
2 posted 2002-10-27 08:04 AM


Before i say anything on this piece, do you know what I found the other day? A picture of you...and pepe - LOL! That served for about half a minute as entertainment.

Now this piece...can I be honest? Good, I don't like it all. After reading what you've written recently and then this it's not something that really catches my attention. While I can see the type of rhyme you were going for it doesn't really come together very well. Meh - that's just me.

Still love ya!

~AF~

Anti Lemming Crusader - Fight against the conformity!

Local Parasite
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since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg
3 posted 2002-10-27 12:55 PM


I like the title...

I'm going to be positive and stop there.  (hah... just kidding)

OK so everyone's being harsh on you, Javier... and they're not specifying, which is the only thing I don't like about that.  I think that the rhyme dominated this poem and choked out whatever it was you were trying to say...

"Our shoe?"  I mean, come on man... really.  

Don't feel so bad about this poem.  I did think it was okay, but you could make it a lot better if you obeyed your own meter a bit more.  The first and second line are almost iambic but are tossed off track by the last few words in each.  

I know you were still expressing something in this piece, but at first glance it looks like you were just pissing out a bunch of rhyme.  Know what I mean?

But I won't judge you by your poetry.       

Despite the few setbacks, I still liked the poem... your poetry is never a chore to read, Jav.

Parasite


Learn to place poetry before people
Before you place your poetry before the people.
~Andrey Kneller


[This message has been edited by Local Parasite (10-27-2002 12:56 PM).]

Skyfire
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since 2000-12-27
Posts 3381
Riding
4 posted 2002-10-27 03:24 PM


*grins* Yes, I am a whiner. And it's about time it's been made public too. Wait a minute....

On to the poem. *thinks* I agree with LP when he said that the rhyme seems to dominate the poem. It's not a bad poem, just not up to your usual standards is all.
*hugs* thanks for posting though *grins* I've been waiting anxiously ( )

I'm so cute!

cherish
Senior Member
since 2001-03-25
Posts 1639
swimming in fairy floss...........
5 posted 2002-10-28 10:36 PM


Post The Banana Axis buddy.

I thought that the rhyme scheme would have worked really well if this were some kind of rap. I think that if you released your grip on form a little bit and concentrated on a bit of coherance and conformity within this piece it would read a whole lot better.
(im hungry)
No doubt that theres an explanation behind this, so I'll wait to hear it. (Have you figured out why I havent replied to your poems yet?)

Are you scared?                        BOO! Are you now?

anawnda
Member
since 2002-07-26
Posts 113

6 posted 2002-10-29 04:03 AM


dunno, but this piece reminded me of a U2 song or maybe its a diff band, i kinda enjoyed just reading it and not really analyzing anything, i didnt rack my brains this time over.analyzing stuff,i guess you wanted to express somethin in a hurry or you just couldnt think of how to go about it.
so there, you just wrote whatever came easy for you at that time... anyway maybe its just me...but i like this a lot im actually finding a tune for it on my guitar, it would make a cool song

skyshine
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Member Elite
since 2002-02-07
Posts 3058
Beneath the northern stars
7 posted 2002-10-29 11:07 PM


The meaning got kinda lost in the rhyme, but oh well I still liked the poem.

--Beth

Howl at the stars, whisper when you're sleeping, I'll be there to hold you, I'll be there to stop the chills and all the weeping.

Allysa
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Senior Member
since 1999-11-09
Posts 1952
In an upside-down garden
8 posted 2002-10-30 10:41 AM


Javi- I don't really enjoy this one as much as the others you've recently written, the shoe part does throw me off a bit.  Anyway, it just shows that your poetry has improved, I think.  Otherwise, I'm just completely off and that's usually what it is.  Ok, I'm rambling for the point of rambling and so I don't have to do my readings... Arg.  

Later Javi, I heart you.

"Wie ein Quadrat in einem Kreis, eck' ich immer wieder an obwohl ich doch schon lange weiß, daß ich niemals ändern kann." ~Wizo

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