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Teen Poetry #6
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Pregnant
| Teen Poetry #6 |
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Pregnant |
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Child of the Stars
since 2000-09-07
Posts 1658Ann Arbor, MI 
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Give it a second. You're the judge, don't let me tell you how your yellowed skin your aching lobes your torn-up, thirsty throat will carry you to nothing but a body torn in two (arms of ice) on your bed on your road-rocked face. This my love is perfect. I'll prove smiling (if you can) even though I've got your dull, dull, orange mass incubating in my gut. Note-->I'm not pregnant. You can stand up now.  [This message has been edited by Child of the Stars (10-25-2002 11:55 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 Carly Anne Van Dort - All Rights Reserved | |||
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quietlydying
since 2001-06-10
Posts 935the wonderful land of oz |
ow. i could almost imagine the feeling. powerful, very. however i have a slightly different take on pregnency. amazing job though. i thoroughly enjoyed it.  /jen/ what if they gave a war, and nobody came... [This message has been edited by quietlydying (10-26-2002 01:22 AM).] |
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anonymousfemale Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797Limbo |
*resumes breathing* You had me worried there for a second, Carlita. Another very thought provoking piece. The feelings in this are quite intense with just enough depth. You've done it again!  Well done. Thoroughly enjoyed. ~AF~ Anti Lemming Crusader - Fight against the conformity! |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
Whoa... freaked me out too...  This is OK Carly, but I don't like how simple your style is... it seems you forgot to add the "poetry" in the way you were saying everything. Even things like "incubating in my gut" seem to lack any real impact... it's a statement, not a description... you always rocked when you did the descriptions rather than statements, or at least gave your poetry some kind of structural element to make it flow. Carly, sorry for being like that, but your critique message says slaughter it if you like... well I like. Parasite Learn to place poetry before people |
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Tamma
since 2000-01-17
Posts 794In His Arms, Harpers Ferry, WV |
Had me wondering, too...Good piece. Never heard of prenancy described like this before. I just dont know what else to say... ~ Tamma Have you ever heard that "No shirt, No shoes" rule? My question is...Why doesn't that rule include pants? |
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Android 17
since 2001-07-21
Posts 664Winnipeg |
*I* on the other hand, enjoyed the "incubating in my gut" phrase. Simple, not complex---yet true to what would be happening. Hmmmm---simple, and complex; all in the same stroke. Lol, it's simply complex! Get my drift? Mah---it's fairly hard to explain... *chuckles* And about freaking me out...you'll have to try better than that, my dear... Tyhla du dra piyd uv so seht! |
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TradingSpaces19 Member
since 2002-08-31
Posts 134Arvada, Colorado |
this is really good. Thank you for sharing. Although it does make the reader think that you are pregnant, but thats okay because within the first few lines of the poem you capture the reader's attention. Andrea |
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cherish Senior Member
since 2001-03-25
Posts 1639swimming in fairy floss........... |
*wipes her forehead* Well, now that that part's been cleared up, onto the poem  I felt it lacked a certain CarlyPassion. But then again, it could have been your intention to leave it feeling barren..er...yesh. I dont know, I've been having 'children' issues all afternoon...thanks for sharin'  Are you scared? |
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Child of the Stars
since 2000-09-07
Posts 1658Ann Arbor, MI |
Thanks for replying and giving me your thoughts, guys.  Cherish got it...it's meant to feel feelingless. I tried to keep from putting anything in there that didn't belong..that didn't fit the scenario I was trying to create. Emotion and poetic passion, for instance. I wrote this after I got pissed at some girls at my school who were carrying their children like they were bricks. Not to keep them safe, no, to keep themselves from being hurt by them. This poem is so very far from my view of pregnancy...I think it's one of the most..something..amazing..ish..things..a woman can experience. But when it's a burden, a halt in a girl's life, something they despise, it makes me angry. Also makes me angry when they place the blame on someone else. Yeah, I know stuff happens. But when the girl's still conscious of her decisions and is able to make them, but doesn't..ick..So. I tried something new, didn't work. Ah well. I've been really tearing up this poetry thing lately. Sorry to make you all worried, hehe. Thanks again. That was long. ~Carly "My own eyes are not enough for me; I will see through a thousand and yet remain myself..." |
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Jenn Cirrincione
since 2000-07-02
Posts 2107Fl |
Carly sweetie, didn't really like this. You know you are an amazing writer but I hover between two qualms. Allan's complaint as to the "lack of poetry" it just didn't hit me, really. And the other is just, well...this take on pregnancy just sounded bitter and well, not very creative. I'm sorry, don't mean to be rude about it, but I know it's in you to bring forth so much more. (However the bitter part might have been intended, I still didn't like seeing it in that POV...doesn't make it terrible work however, just my opinion.) I apologize my dear, not trying to be a jerk. Keep writing hon Jenn Why is it that we are at our most ingenius only when trying to destroy the things that keep us alive and thriving? |
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