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Teen Poetry #6
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Creativity
| Teen Poetry #6 |
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Creativity |
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Riley 
since 2002-07-18
Posts 1038in the pouring rain 
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just one faulty line, jostled in between numbers and letters. like blood seeping from a festering wound, words fall, dropping like tears:; upon the already soiled ground creeping, crawling, killing, chilling almost rhyming, as found likely a thousand times to many of a certain thought creating a pool in which i swim one to many times before ~*I'm not gonna say I'm gorgeous, that for you to decide, if you really wanna know me, see the world through my eyes*~ [This message has been edited by Riley (10-24-2002 10:05 PM).] |
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quietlydying
since 2001-06-10
Posts 935the wonderful land of oz |
i'm just wondering what the colon paired up with the semi-colon is for. and i am fully aware of your preference for lack of punctuation and do respect that, but why do you use a few commas sporadically [and somewhat awkwardly] placed [paired up with the colon and semi-colon] and yet no caplitlization and whatnot? i find this a little confusing. as well, i noticed a period in the beginning, but none at the end. if you do decide to use punctuation, you should use it fully throughout, otherwise omit it completely. now don't get me wrong i'm not trying to be overly harsh. i did find some very strong imagery and nicely worded descriptive language in this piece, but you seem to be a very eager writer, and the critique flag is up. so i would like to help you out with a few things.  you need to be careful with your choice of words in some places. it tends to make the piece read oddly. for instance, a festering wound normally doesn't bleed. to fester means to puss and rot and whatnot, general grossness and infection [hence uncle fester from the adams family  ]as well, jostled means to be pushed around and hassled, whereas in this piece i got the impression that you were trying to say it was just stuck there, almost lost or it doesn't really fit in. as well, don't forget to proofread before posting. it just helps clarify a few things for the reader. as well, maybe you could reword either the seventh or eighth line so that the word thought only appears once. it does detract from the piece when words like that are repeated, especially so close together. if you're stuck, just try a thesaurus and look up a few synonyms. good write and thanks for posting. /jen/ what if they gave a war, and nobody came... |
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Riley
since 2002-07-18
Posts 1038in the pouring rain |
Hey  OK, lets see, the wierd punctuation and whatnot was created for a reason  . The title was Creativity so I got a little creative with the punctuation, I just played around with it and put everything in odd places.....I dunno. I always have my little explanations  ...hehe...and as far as festering, my lil sis got a nasty sore, cut or what have you and the doctor said it was a festering wound and she poked at it and it started to bleed and everything so... and jostled....it was being "pushed" around by all the words, letters, numbers etc. and the thought thing.....typo...I don't think I ment to put that....whoops. Thanks a lot for reading /jen/Riley ~*I'm not gonna say I'm gorgeous, that for you to decide, if you really wanna know me, see the world through my eyes*~ |
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anonymousfemale Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797Limbo |
I'm going to be blunt - again. Another piece that I didn't like. The punctuation really pissed me off for the simple fact that you've tossed around ideas that might sound good in theory but in practise turn out to be a different story. It's all well and good to call your piece 'Creativity' but if you're going to try and back up your lack of adequate punction through creative means, at least use it correctly. You can be unique with a style but if you end up doing it half-arsed, there's no point even doing it in the first place. Also, check your grammar. Proof reading works wonders.  ~AF~ Anti Lemming Crusader - Fight against the conformity! |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
AF, you need a dartboard in your room or something. Read critique messages before replying, some people ask for "only a mild critique," which means comments like "another piece I didn't like" are rather unnecessary. You should learn to incorporate a little tact into your responses. Otherwise, you'll most likely find them unwelcome. Riley, looking over this poem, I see an interesting idea... you've written descriptively of a concept, Creativity. I really like that, and I know how difficult it is to accurately portray something non-physical like that. I think you've done a great job of it, however... I especially like how you described yourself swimming through creativity. That gives some nice liquid imagery that provides an excellent feel for the poem. The punctuation is obviously something you were just screwing around with. You did a good job, but make sure that you have some specific intent when you pull something like a colon and a semicolon. There's creativity and there's sloppiness. It's important to find the line between these, and not cross it. Well done on this one, Riley. Parasite Learn to place poetry before people |
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EleanorMoonbaby Member
since 2002-09-02
Posts 202England, UK |
Hiya! :waves: I can't say this was my favourite out of your poems, but it was a good read, nonetheless. There was a lot of gruesome imagery in here, not the type of thing usually associated with creativity, but it does work quite well. Nice one, and keep it up! Ellie  High above the mucky-muck, castle made of clouds; there sits Wonderboy, sitting oh so proudly.... |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
I thought this was fine. Some tips above might help, but overall it was a good poem.  This post has been brought to you by the 'Totally Awesome Society of Puerto Rican Egotistical Sexy Men'. |
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