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| Teen Poetry #6 |
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Solas |
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EleanorMoonbaby Member
since 2002-09-02
Posts 202England, UK 
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Let's rewind. This weekend only, we can go back to the start Long before the sentence and solas. We can relive (August 22) Let's go to the fields by my house and forget. We can run (or fly?) Between the tough dry grass And the heavy grey sky. We can crouch in the bushes (shelter and sanctuary) Hide from the rain Then abandon it all And run/fly/swim/float out in it. Then we can really relive (but just for this weekend). High above the mucky-muck, castle made of clouds; there sits Wonderboy, sitting oh so proudly.... |
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| © Copyright 2002 Eleanor Warren - All Rights Reserved | |||
Riley 
since 2002-07-18
Posts 1038in the pouring rain |
Hey  sup Ellie? I shall try my best.Let's rewind. This weekend only, we can go back to the start Long before the sentence and solas. I liked the little alone line, and also just wonderin about the punctuation, like a period after start? We can relive (August 22) Let's go to the fields by my house and forget. OOOOOO, special moment.......do tell....  I liked this, how you mentioned the date and everythin.... We can run (or fly?) Between the tough dry grass And the heavy grey sky. Heavy gray sky? Hm....... I like the ? inside the parenthes ( sp??? ) We can crouch in the bushes (shelter and sanctuary) Hide from the rain Then abandon it all And run/fly/swim/float out in it. Wow, very very thinkinly ( word or not? ) I and really starting to like the some and then none thing with the punctuation. Then we can really relive (but just for this weekend). I like this last stanza, it pulls the whole thing together....I like the repeating of the relive thing.......and the weekend. Great job Ellie...I enjoyed this... Riley LeAnne Grant ~*I'm not gonna say I'm gorgeous, that for you to decide, if you really wanna know me, see the world through my eyes*~ |
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anonymousfemale Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797Limbo |
Gee, this looks like something I've seen before.  Anti Lemming Crusader - Fight against the conformity! |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
I quite enjoyed this. Seems you're trying your hand at some newer techniques, and I can see the influence that some of the forum's trends have had on your writing. Just be careful not to let the influence shade out your individual style. Well done, Ellie. I'll be looking forward to your next post. Parasite Learn to place poetry before people |
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EleanorMoonbaby Member
since 2002-09-02
Posts 202England, UK |
Riley, you're getting quite good at the whole critic thing, aren't you? My English Lit tutor would love you! Thankies for taking the time to reply! Anonymous.... erm..... where have you heard this before? Have I just heard it before somewhere and not realised? :confused: And there's me thinking I'm so original  Parasite- thanks. I like to experiment, and (brackets) are big at the moment! Gawd, this forum is turning into some sort of literary catwalk..... Ellie  (feeling hyperactive despite the 2 hours sleep and raging insomnia!)High above the mucky-muck, castle made of clouds; there sits Wonderboy, sitting oh so proudly.... |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
I liked the style used in this poem. I could feel what was being said.  This post has been brought to you by the 'Totally Awesome Society of Puerto Rican Egotistical Sexy Men'. |
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chasing rain Senior Member
since 2001-05-15
Posts 737Canada |
Before I get into anything, is it just me, or is the use of parentheses getting really popular these days? oO; *baps parentheses* ^^ Eleanor- 'Tis a good write, it is. ^^ The active imagery here gave the poem a little more movement. However, I found the poem a bit bland. But maybe it's just me. Why bland, you might ask yourself? (and bap me one million trillion times o_O; ) Well, firstly, the tone of the poem is the same throughout. Tone? What tone? Well, usually, in a poem, there are tone shifts which make the poem seem more interesting. More deep, maybe. (hard hard to explain tone.) The reason why this could seem a bit bland is because of the extensive use of the parentheses. To have a better affect on the reader, you could perhaps take away some of the parentheses where it is not needed. The choice of where you insert the parentheses gives the reader a sense that maybe that phrase is important, or maybe that line is important. Maybe it's crucial to the entire poem! And so, we must control the parentheses. ^^ Yes yes? For example: "We can run (or fly?)" No need to have parentheses there. It will make sense either way, and if you want to subject it to something important, you can let the reader decide on that. Sometimes, it's best to write a subtle poem because then, people can interpret it differently and they won't be forced to believe one thing. ^^; That's the only main thing here. I won't go into much detail, but it is you choice to do whatever you like to your poem. ^_^ Keep up the good work! -Leah |
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EagleScorpion Senior Member
since 2000-03-08
Posts 1644Here, Now, Forever |
hehe |
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WinterWren Senior Member
since 2002-12-01
Posts 1044...Coming to |
This was very good! I like how you use ( ) I don't know how to spell those and Im not gonna bother trying! I really really like this poem, you sure got my curiosity up! Well done! WinterWren |
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