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clumsy
Member

since 2002-10-10

Posts 106
canada.

0 posted 2002-10-23 10:48 AM

All those people with the starry hair, and long skirts
And bare feet, dance tonight, making angels in mud,
Making their fingerprints untouchable, they are untouchable
This is what I remember, I remember remembering you
I remember seeing every other face, yours,
And last night, there was no mud to slide into, laughing
At your self for having so much fun when the world is
A sour place to be. But really you're just laughing because,
You're over tired. You're a vampire in the night, walking down
Deserted streets, sneaking out of lock doors and dark houses
Memorizing the floor, memorizing her touch, and the sunset
Doesn't ruin your perfectly placed red and purple hair
No glitter today, no glitter ever. We talked about stealing
Musicians guitars, talked about stealing the posters off the wall
And you've stolen my heart, making it bleed just a little less,
Just a little less than before. And right now I'm missing
Running in graveyards, having fake funerals, and not waiting until
Tomorrow, I hate waiting for tomorrow, would you notice if I was
Gone today? Love is so far away, two weeks from now if not on Sunday
I'll sit in church, staring at the stain glass windows, paying no attention to
Eyes, that stare, I want to be beautiful with you, I want to accent your beauty
And I can't see how, you can leave me feeling so amazing and that
Now I can feel so alone without my fairies, unicorns and ghost's,
Making circles around me, as I lay on the cold room floor
Wishing nothing else but, to fade away.

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

1 posted 2002-10-23 01:23 PM

I liked it, but felt that there were 3 different poems somehow rolled up into this one.

This post has been brought to you by the 'Totally Awesome Society of Puerto Rican Egotistical Sexy Men'.

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

2 posted 2002-10-23 01:57 PM

3?  I counted two... but whatever...

There are some definite "shifts" in here that could be what Javier is referring to, but that's fine.  The title suggests something a bit fanciful and unpredictable, so the shifts are appropriate.

With the shifts follows a train of emotional tone.  You brought the fluid nature of the poem out by using a lot of enjambments to bring the lines together.  I really like that.

Very nicely written.

Parasite

Learn to place poetry before people
Before you place your poetry before the people.
~Andrey Kneller

NSnaomian
Member

since 2002-07-22

Posts 232
In my troll closet I be

3 posted 2002-10-23 04:37 PM

That was great, I love just reading it over and over and seeing it all in my mind. This person must mean a lot to you.
That was very nicely done.

Nao~
Have a good one.

Surreal
Junior Member

since 2002-10-21

Posts 35
Paris

4 posted 2002-10-24 01:51 AM

I loved this piece, and I found the beginning to be the part I liked best. The entire poem flowed together very well and the transistion between the different tones was very fluid. This was a lovely piece of work

Glory is a silent thing-- Mineral

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