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Riley

Senior Member

since 2002-07-18

Posts 1038
in the pouring rain

0 posted 2002-10-22 09:44 PM

fears
to many tears
drops
stone
worthyless kinks
do you get it
out of rhythm
in rhyme
all the time
good deeds
been done
in and out
over and over
just end
over
done
get it
gone
no more
i don't care
no longer
listening
la la la
and so on
falling
ow
thats hurting
so much
tears come
again
and again
yes you know the drill
over and over
cast away
onto clear waters
for another day
oh my gosh
look.........
and then i fall over
and you will never know
what happened

~*I'm not gonna say I'm gorgeous, that for you to decide, if you really wanna know me, see the world through my eyes*~

SailorFirebird
Junior Member

since 2002-10-21

Posts 16
15 Miles North of NoWhere

1 posted 2002-10-23 09:38 AM

that was interesting. i liked it. it's twisted and makes no sense, yet it makes sense at the same time. i also like the way you wrote it. i, personally, could never write in that style. they say we all have our own forte, and this style suits you quite well, i think. hope to see more.

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

2 posted 2002-10-23 11:18 AM

Not bad, Ri. but I disagree with Firebird... I think your writing usually has a lot of substance that is difficult to constrain into such a small, restrictive format. I tend to enjoy your writing more in long lines at a time.

Still, not bad. I liked "onto clear waters," it kind of stuck out.

Parasite

Learn to place poetry before people
Before you place your poetry before the people.
~Andrey Kneller

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

3 posted 2002-10-23 01:17 PM

I liked this but only for what I superficially saw. I couldn't connect with the poem, it seemed to out of order. You'd have something going and then put in "lalala" and just switch everything all around. For me, this style could not be taken too seriously. That's my opinion. I've written in it and I will never do that again hehe. Anyhow, I did like it though....hope to see more of your other poems.

This post has been brought to you by the 'Totally Awesome Society of Puerto Rican Egotistical Sexy Men'.

dinky
Member

since 2002-10-19

Posts 258

4 posted 2002-10-23 04:58 PM

i really liked this especially the lalala part
it seemed alot like what someone would really do
good write, i hope to see more
~sam~

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