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Surreal
Junior Member

since 2002-10-21

Posts 35
Paris

0 posted 2002-10-21 12:20 PM

Note: This does not glorify violence in any way whatsoever, it is merely a representation of a bitter ending to a love story.

“Stop staring, stop staring,” she said
And he could almost feel the letters breeze past him
In a symphony of those favorite epithets
Compromising how he loves (hates) the way she wears phrases
As if they could hang on her elegantly like his sweat does
So she’s got the gun
And he’s got the trigger
“No more regrets”
Yes, he’ll forget the way her hair curves around her neck
And the exact shade her eyes flare
When she wants to strike out with those eyelashes
(Floating like butterflies above her cheeks)
Even if he doesn’t want to kiss (kill) her anyway
It’s all about the guilt
And he can see the perfect circle he made
Right through that sweater of his she loves to wear
“Stop bleeding, stop bleeding,” he said
And the crimson turned into a rainbow
But he couldn’t catch her before the sunlight made her faint
And those eyelashes faded away, and her hair died that day
“She was too beautiful” he tried to explain in vain
Such a shame he couldn’t understand the way
The colors made her stay

[This message has been edited by Surreal (10-21-2002 01:18 PM).]

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

1 posted 2002-10-21 12:54 PM

I really loved this poem. Truly, I loved it. Your first post was completely and utterly impressive. I will say this though, it took me about 20 reads to decide that this wasn't a glorification of violence or anything like that. Just in case, though, become familiar with our guidelines.
Anyhow, now that business is taken cared of...the poem, it was purely amazing. I loved every part of it. I'd like to welcome you to Passions and hope you reply as much as you post. I see that you've already started to explore other people's poems. Try going around our site a bit, this is your home.

Great poem, and check your e-mail for a special message!

This post has been brought to you by the 'Totally Awesome Society of Puerto Rican Egotistical Sexy Men'.

Surreal
Junior Member

since 2002-10-21

Posts 35
Paris

2 posted 2002-10-21 01:19 PM

Thank you very much for your reply, I apologize if it appeared to promote violence in any way.

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

3 posted 2002-10-21 03:31 PM

I think it's pretty clear that this isn't a glorification of violence.

I read it a couple of times, just because by the end I realized I wasn't giving it quite enough attention.  It's a very good poem, actually, and it deserves to be read with a great deal of intrigue.  I have a suggestion... maybe you should make it draw more attention visually?  Give it a bit more structure in terms of line organization, maybe use some italics or parenthesis to highlight certain places visually...

I think this poem has too much of a basic appearance, whereas its content is deserving of far more than that.  Just my humble opinion of course.

I enjoyed this a great deal... it has a lot of depth, and I wasn't at all disappointed by the ending.  You've composed a very solid piece of writing.

Welcome to Passions in Poetry.  I hope you have fun reading, replying and sharing in here with the rest of us.

Parasite

Learn to place poetry before people
Before you place your poetry before the people.
~Andrey Kneller

quietlydying

Senior Member

since 2001-06-10

Posts 935
the wonderful land of oz

4 posted 2002-10-21 05:39 PM

what an entrance into passions!!

welcome!!

i really enjoyed this piece, it blew me away for a first post. but brian does have some good advice. you have so much in these words. it's a very good piece, and it deserves to see some structure and punctuation and whatnot. the more you advance with your poetry, the harder and harder it is to omit proper structure.

it's begging for it... heh.

great piece and can't wait to see more from you.

::smiles::

/jen/

to give pleasure to a single heart by a single act is better than a thousand heads bowing in prayer. [ghandi]

clumsy
Member

since 2002-10-10

Posts 106
canada.

5 posted 2002-10-21 07:44 PM

oh wow. just wow. this was... too beautiful beyond words.

cherish
Senior Member

since 2001-03-25

Posts 1639
swimming in fairy floss...........

6 posted 2002-10-21 10:15 PM

Ohhh...very impressive!

I love the way you wrote this with various discriptions in parenthesis. The imagery was wonderful, Jean. What I took this to be about was a guy not letting a girl just be. Sometimes they get too 'protective' and stifle the girl. Or something along those lines.

Welcome Jean!

Hope you have a great time here. Like the others said, this is a very impressive first post- hope to read more from you soon!

Are you scared? BOO! Are you now?

fearing-laughter
Senior Member

since 2001-04-24

Posts 605
land of cheese (Wisconsin)

7 posted 2002-10-21 11:03 PM

hey,
welcome to passions! tis a good place...after that is out of the way i would just like to congratulate you for creating a wonderful poem of very vivid images. i too had to read this piece more then once, and it had that almost tangible quality about it that some pieces can acquire. my favorite line was "and the crimson turned into a rainbow" for some reason that just stands out in my mind. once again, thank you for sharing and i hope to see a lot more from you.

-Bergundy-

"crack my head open, on your kitchen floor. to prove to you, that i have brains." -Alkaline Trio

StellarChica
Member

since 2002-07-06

Posts 207
floating down a river...

8 posted 2002-10-21 11:14 PM

How much did I love this? So much. I almost cried. Hey, I'm a sensitive girl..Oh boy, soooo good. Great. Wow. And all those other things that tell you this was amazing.

Marshalzu

Member Elite

since 2001-02-15

Posts 2681
Lurking

9 posted 2002-10-22 09:30 AM

Wow this poem is so amazing I had to read it twice, the quality of the writing was amazing and It made me want to read on, thank you for sharing this with us and I hope we get to see more of the same

Andrew

Surreal
Junior Member

since 2002-10-21

Posts 35
Paris

10 posted 2002-10-22 01:02 PM

Thanks to all of you for your wonderful comments. I will definitely take your criticisms into consideration, I understand where you are coming from with them. This has been such a warm welcoming, thank you once again.

Riley

Senior Member

since 2002-07-18

Posts 1038
in the pouring rain

11 posted 2002-10-23 09:39 PM

Wow, just wow, I am very impressed, specially since this is your first post... this line really caught me

And the exact shade her eyes flare

That blew me!!

...loved it

Riley

~*I'm not gonna say I'm gorgeous, that for you to decide, if you really wanna know me, see the world through my eyes*~

Imajica
Junior Member

since 2002-09-16

Posts 14
NM, USA

12 posted 2002-10-24 07:49 PM

So many lines in here are going to stick with me, you have a magnificent way with words. I love how you add the true thoughts to what is said. I loved it, so much

"Is there a superintendent of the spaceship, Luke"
-APS Superinteddent Brad Allison

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