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NSnaomian
Member

since 2002-07-22

Posts 232
In my troll closet I be

0 posted 2002-10-20 11:06 AM

You may know me and think I’m strong,
But I assure you you’re missing some.
Some say life is a rickety stair,
A box of chocolates,
But I believe it is a road to somewhere.
I move around swerves,
There are ups and then downs,
Tough hills and those mediocre curves
And some dips, just as you’re looking around.
I’ve been through a lot you know,
Days of laughing and having fun,
But some were filled with tears.
I’d be in a never-ending run,
Then standing still due to fear.
All this time I’ve kept going
Down that rusty, winding road.
A deep breathe and baby steps,
That’s how the whole thing started.
It may be a long, slow path,
But it’s a beautiful one at that.
There are those nights when I’ve had trouble sleeping,
I tossed and turned from side to side,
Thinking there’s something missing in my life,
But then I realize, it’s just the beginning.
That road builds on,
To a place unknown from my mind.
I tell you, not everything is as it seems,
You may know me and think I’m strong,
What you see all came from somewhere,
Somewhere in my past,
Steps from this road,
This road I wander along.

LoveBug

Moderator

Member Elite

since 2000-01-08

Posts 4697

1 posted 2002-10-20 04:01 PM

Oh my goodness! How can this have no replies?! This is such a wonderful piece, and it touched me really deeply. I really needed to hear this. You are so right, everything that we go through is for a purpose. All the bad things make us strong and shape us into the people that we are. Such a wonderful wonderful piece! Keep the ones like this coming!! This goes into my library!

Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.

quietlydying

Senior Member

since 2001-06-10

Posts 935
the wonderful land of oz

2 posted 2002-10-20 05:12 PM

since it was only posted this morning, people need some time to get online and read it.  ::grins::

but if this is what we're to expect with your membership in passions, i'm abosolutely thrilled.  i'm not sure if i've told you before, but since you are relatively new...  WELCOME.

it had such a strong message.  and it put me in such a beautiful mindset.  i thank you.  since you don't have the critique flag up, i won't go in depth.  i just think it could use maybe one more edit, to get the flow down properly.  there are places where pauses would definitely be of use and so on.  And some sentences do start in rather awkward places.  but that's about it.

good write and thanks for the read.

/jen/

to give pleasure to a single heart by a single act is better than a thousand heads bowing in prayer. [ghandi]

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

3 posted 2002-10-21 10:26 AM

I really liked this poem. I thought you wrote it very well. The only thing that caught my eye was the fact that "rusty" doesn't describe a road, while everything else in the poem basically did. I think you popped out of meaning with meaingful symbolism that was not necessary. That's my opinion. Other than that, the poem completely rocked and I do hope to see more of your work!

This post has been brought to you by the 'Totally Awesome Society of Puerto Rican Egotistical Sexy Men'.

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

4 posted 2002-10-21 12:32 PM

Well when I read "rusty" I thought it meant the colour, like a glossy brown colour that you'd see in antique things... kind of suggests an aged beauty.

The actual thoughts that are present in this piece are terrific. I personally felt you could have focused a bit more on the imagery, but otherwise, you did a great job.

Parasite

Learn to place poetry before people
Before you place your poetry before the people.
~Andrey Kneller

vlraynes
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-25

Posts 8229
Somewhere... out there...

5 posted 2002-11-05 01:28 PM

NSnaomian~
This is an extremely well-written piece.
I truly enjoyed reading this, and will
be looking for more from you.
~Vicky

P.S. Don't forget to check out Teen Challenge #2!
"...until you have read the verse on his heart,
you have not truly met the poet.
~vlraynes

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