Challenge 1 (Untitled) - pipTalk Forums

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Dark Enchantress
Senior Member

since 1999-07-27

Posts 1258
meet Morgana

0 posted 2002-10-19 11:33 PM

In the backseat
I saw the squire
He danced on his head
While I frowned and
He said, ‘my dear
What is the matter? Look
At how I dance around
Here on my head’

I saw, not the squire,
But him just then
For the first time
In quite a while and for
All in me that was
Like little emotional
Donkey pitches

I took him

And in the sweat, the
Breath, and the
Old fast food beverage
Cups – I cried

I felt it then
For the very
First time, though in
Fact, it was not mine
Because the shattering
Thrill of a serial kill
Finally found a way
To tell him I said
‘I need you’

Sanity is in itself enough to make you insane.

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

1 posted 2002-10-20 01:54 AM

This is my favourite poem from you. Hands down. It reminded me of a hidden track at the end of the KMFDM album "Xtort." Don't know if anyone in this forum is familiar with it, but it was a pretty cool track... kind of faerie-taleish, spoken, with a disorganized rhyme and unpredictability of content.

This poem has a lot of fantasy-ish content.... I love it. Want more info? Here ya go.

quote:
In the backseat
I saw the squire
He danced on his head
While I frowned and
He said, ‘my dear
What is the matter? Look
At how I dance around
Here on my head’

Well first of all, you're using past tense... I love past tense in this kind of poem, makes the story seem so much more spoken. You have a very subtle rhyme, and a repetition of the third line... those two elements give it just enough lyrical quality to sound like spoken poetry.

quote:
I saw, not the squire,
But him just then
For the first time
In quite a while and for
All in me that was
Like little emotional
Donkey pitches

I took him

And in the sweat, the
Breath, and the
Old fast food beverage
Cups – I cried

You take a very slow transition from surreal into real here... mentioning modern concepts such as fast food, which modernize the storyline... I like that... you handled that very well.

quote:
I felt it then
For the very
First time, though in
Fact, it was not mine
Because the shattering
Thrill of a serial kill
Finally found a way
To tell him I said
‘I need you’

The shattering thrill of a serial kill... nice anapests there, Morgana.

Another subtle rhyme that isn't at the end of both lines... you had a vowel rhyme with "time" and "mine" too which aided the flow...

So much in this poem struck me visually... but mostly the spoken tone of how it was told as a story. I truly enjoyed this.

Parasite

Learn to place poetry before people
Before you place your poetry before the people.
~Andrey Kneller

PoetryIsLife

Senior Member

since 2001-10-27

Posts 1763
...in my boxers...

2 posted 2002-10-20 01:55 AM

Distractions, distractions
keep us from
the very things hung.
Our dreams just beyond our touch,
but there! now! in our hands
if only we see through the fog.

A wonderful write, memina. At times, the meter stumbles, but otherwise, greatly enjoyed.

Sincerely,
SaVerite

"My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems."

(2002 Copyright)

Dark Enchantress
Senior Member

since 1999-07-27

Posts 1258
meet Morgana

3 posted 2002-10-20 02:05 AM

Meter? What's a meter?

Sanity is in itself enough to make you insane.

vlraynes
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-25

Posts 8229
Somewhere... out there...

4 posted 2002-10-20 03:15 AM

Dark Enchantress~
I really enjoyed this piece.
I have to agree with LP.
This reads as if you were sitting in the same
room telling me the story. Nicely done.
You've met the challenge well.
Hugs,
~Vicky

"...until you have read the verse on his heart,
you have not truly met the poet.
~vlraynes

LoveBug

Moderator

Member Elite

since 2000-01-08

Posts 4697

5 posted 2002-10-20 03:56 PM

This is a very good piece... very deep and emotional, and also wonderfully structred. I won't go as far as Local did, though!

Great work, though!!

Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.

quietlydying

Senior Member

since 2001-06-10

Posts 935
the wonderful land of oz

6 posted 2002-10-20 05:00 PM

hey jam. check your box. i've marked it up a bit.

anyways, this was an amazing poem m'dear. you've stolent the words right out of my mouth. you envy me, and i envy you. it all works out in the end. excellent freeverse.

/jen/

to give pleasure to a single heart by a single act is better than a thousand heads bowing in prayer. [ghandi]

Riley

Senior Member

since 2002-07-18

Posts 1038
in the pouring rain

7 posted 2002-10-20 05:54 PM

Great, beautiful!

Ri

~*I'm not gonna say I'm gorgeous, that for you to decide, if you really wanna know me, see the world through my eyes*~

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

8 posted 2002-10-21 11:29 AM

This was very well written. I liked it so much. Probably one of my favs from you. I loved the tone it was written in. Reminded me of some pieces of mine.
Hope to read more from you.

This post has been brought to you by the 'Totally Awesome Society of Puerto Rican Egotistical Sexy Men'.

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