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lonewolf1
New Member

since 2002-10-16

Posts 9

0 posted 2002-10-19 02:52 PM

Biased

She doesn’t know,
she never will.
Her killing beauty,
sends a chill.

I’ll never see
her beauty set free,
but for this chance
I’d cease to be.

Now all is changed.
I’ll never look
upon a rose.
It’s beauty she took.

For all my life
nothing shall compare
to the beauty
of her stare.

All is biased,
nothing remains.
I look on beauty,
and see her stains.

Now all others
I shall forever compare.
To the beauty
of this maiden fair.

I will never forget
a goddess like she.
Her perfect beauty
set me free.

Though all looks ugly
compared to her,
and of this sickness,
none can cure.

Given the chance
to correct my mistake.
To forget her beauty,
an error I’d make.

This biased view
none will cure.
For here I lie,
dreaming of her.

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

1 posted 2002-10-19 04:28 PM

I liked this one a lot. You wrote it well and the scheme of things was written nicely.
A poem well written on your part, and read on my part

This post has been brought to you by the 'Totally Awesome Society of Puerto Rican Egotistical Sexy Men'.

Riley

Senior Member

since 2002-07-18

Posts 1038
in the pouring rain

2 posted 2002-10-19 04:38 PM

Awesome...., the rhyming scheme seemed a little of at times but then again I'm wierd! Great job!

Ri

~* Love humiliates you, hatered cradles you-White Olender *~

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

3 posted 2002-10-19 05:09 PM

The meter was off in a few places. I love your use of iambic meter where you pulled it off, but in a few places you definitely digressed from it and just tried to squeeze a less-flowing set of words in...

I don't know, that kind of bothered me. Otherwise, I really enjoyed reading this... I like your style, kiddo.

Parasite

Learn to place poetry before people
Before you place your poetry before the people.
~Andrey Kneller

lonewolf1
New Member

since 2002-10-16

Posts 9

4 posted 2002-10-19 07:34 PM

Thanks for all your imput. Her and cure definitely don't rhyme. I'll fix it. If any other messed up rhymes catch your eye let me know.

P.S. Thanks for the warm welcome.

lonewolf

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