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gymnast
Member

since 2001-11-18

Posts 80
Scotland.

0 posted 2002-10-18 06:22 AM

On that dark Autumns night
You sat with me
On the top of the hill
To watch the stars twinkling light.

The sky was a deep midnight blue
We cuddled together
Watching the trees
From which birds have flew.

The view was so beautiful
As we watched from the hill
A river of pure blue
Never a scene so wonderful.

The air was cold, had a chill
So you gave me your jacket
Drew me in closer
And we sat there so still.

It was the perfect night
Spent with the perfect guy
Filled with such magic
Love at first sight.

A night to remember, never forget
Sharing together
A tale of true beauty
In which true lovers met.

But then it was gone
And with it went you
Torn away my precious dream
All I can do is mourn.

It's the only place I've met you
Your just a dream
I hope some day to find you
As my love for you is true.

This is my first poem for a looooong time here. It's probably not one of my best but let me know what you think anyway!
||Amanda||

Give All To Love, Obey Thy Heart. ~R.W.Emerson~[/center]

[This message has been edited by gymnast (10-18-2002 06:29 AM).]

SuperSonic
Junior Member

since 2002-10-17

Posts 16
Northern Ireland

1 posted 2002-10-18 06:43 AM

This is a cute little poem, I was able to picture the scene very easily, and I loved the way you described the sky as "deep midnight blue"

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

2 posted 2002-10-18 11:15 AM

This is good... I was shocked that it wasn't actually about someone, when I got to the end, because the way in which you described the setting made it seem so real.

Well done, you caught me off guard in the end.

Parasite

Learn to place poetry before people
Before you place your poetry before the people.
~Andrey Kneller

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

3 posted 2002-10-18 07:13 PM

I liked the poem, but I felt it could have been done better. Some lines didn't make sense to me. You describe such an amazing view, and being with the perfect guy and so on, but then you go on to say that it was love at first sight. I didn't see the correlation how it was love at first sight. Some things were well thought out, but the "true lovers" part and the line about "from which birds have flew"......well the true lovers part I didn't quite understand, what is a true lover and what is a fake lover? If this was a dream, wasn't this a fake lover? I didn't understand.....and the bird one, I think (think, mind yoU) that it's grammatically wrong. I'm not sure haha. English isn't my first language, but it's up there. So this is just a guess.

Anyhow, the poem was pretty well written. I'm just mentioning certain parts of it that led to uncertainty on my part. Sometimes when writing poetry people think (and i have done this) that if it doesn't make sense its good, and im not saying yours doesn't make sense, but we should all try to make our ideas flow, even if it means a symbolical flow. It should still flow in some congent logical format. Even if it flowed illogically it would be a cohesive illogical poem which would make sense to the world of illogic, which is a world- just a different kind

haha.

Anyhow, the poem was great. That's why I replied in depth. I enjoyed it. I do hope to see more from you

This post has been brought to you by the 'Totally Awesome Society of Puerto Rican Egotistical Sexy Men'.

[This message has been edited by Dopey Dope (10-18-2002 07:15 PM).]

Riley

Senior Member

since 2002-07-18

Posts 1038
in the pouring rain

4 posted 2002-10-19 11:21 PM

Hey!!!!! Wassup???? * bep bep *

great poem...loved it
Ri

~* Love humiliates you, hatered cradles you-White Olender *~

vlraynes
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-25

Posts 8229
Somewhere... out there...

5 posted 2002-10-24 04:16 PM

gymnast~
Well, I can't tell you whether this is one
of your best or not, but I CAN tell you that
I like this one VERY MUCH.
I felt the same as LP. Even though I had seen
the title, the imagery was so vivid that I forgot
that it was supposed to be a dream.
It was a surprise to have to 'wake up' to reality.
You did an excellent job on this one.
Well done!
~Vicky

"...until you have read the verse on his heart,
you have not truly met the poet.
~vlraynes
[This message has been edited by vlraynes (10-24-2002 04:16 PM).]

NSnaomian
Member

since 2002-07-22

Posts 232
In my troll closet I be

6 posted 2002-10-24 06:10 PM

I have to say I was disappointed when I got to the end and it was a dream. BOOOooo!
Hehe jk jk
It was very good and I also liked the "deep midnight blue". Very nice was to go about senses.
Great job!
Laura~

Real friends are those who, when you feel you've made a fool of yourself, don't feel you've done a permanent job.

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