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SuperSonic
Junior Member

since 2002-10-17

Posts 16
Northern Ireland

0 posted 2002-10-17 08:45 AM

A whisper in the wind…

An echo in my mind
A woman’s voice, beckoning
A purpose I have yet to find
A secret wish, a call of reckoning?

“Wait for me, in your dreams”
She pleads with my dormant soul
No longer is anything as it seems
In my unconscious I lose control

A shadow of the past?
A glimmer draped in night
A summons for the outcast
To instil peace, to end the fight

I gazed into her eyes,
Into a face that wasn’t there
The fire of anger dies
A peace outside a world that doesn’t care

After an eternity of bliss
My lip starts to shake
Sealed with a kiss
Then jolted awake

Dragged back to existing
She vanishes into the morn
No point in resisting
A shredded mind, a heart that is torn

Between two places
Between two hearts
Between two faces
That consciousness parts

Alone once more
I find myself yearning
For one to adore
With a heart ever burning…

This is my first post here so Hi everyone, I hope you all enjoy it. All comments will be very much appreciated.

[This message has been edited by SuperSonic (10-17-2002 08:59 AM).]

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

1 posted 2002-10-17 12:29 PM

If you really like "all comments" then you should go into your profile and select the option to "encourage critiques." In the reply window, you'll be able to leave a little message for everyone saying something about the desired content of replies.

Anyways, on to your poem...

I am getting a lot out of this piece... I can really appreciate the style in which it was written, the rhyme scheme and stanza structure that are loose and unhindering...

I especially loved your opening stanza:

quote:
An echo in my mind
A woman’s voice, beckoning
A purpose I have yet to find
A secret wish, a call of reckoning?

The question mark is a good way to bring the narrator's state of mind into the flow of the poem, making the reader lift the end of the word "reckoning" a little bit. That kind of quizzicality does a lot to put the reader in to the state of mind that the poem commences with. A strong opening to the content of the poem, you give the reader enough information to catch interest, but not enough to have them equally lose interest. A very well done opening.

Another stanza I took interest in:

quote:
Dragged back to existing
She vanishes into the morn
No point in resisting
A shredded mind, a heart that is torn

This is perfect... such an effective description of the unwillingness to leave this mysterious longing, and yet, the knowledge that there is nothing that can be done to resist. Your feelings of helplessness are so well spoken here...

Overall, this kind of first post is far above what I would expect to read from a new member... you've truly impressed me. I'd have to say that you're a very promising talent, and have the potential to bring a lot into these pages.

Welcome to Passions in Poetry.

Parasite

Learn to place poetry before people
Before you place your poetry before the people.
~Andrey Kneller

gymnast
Member

since 2001-11-18

Posts 80
Scotland.

2 posted 2002-10-17 05:23 PM

WELCOME!!!
I love your poem it's truly beautiful-an awesome first post! I hope you are very happy here and I look forward to reading more of your poems!

quietlydying

Senior Member

since 2001-06-10

Posts 935
the wonderful land of oz

3 posted 2002-10-17 06:41 PM

welcome to passions!!

as brian said, it would be a good idea to check the critique flag.

i did very much enjoy this, but at times the rhyming did feel a little forced.  perhaps you could play around with it a bit.

thanks for the read, i can't wait to see more of you in the water.

have fun.  and once again, welcome.

oh yes, the more you reply to other people's posts, the more they'll reply to yours.  just a little bit of advice.

::smiles::

/jenneverusessmilieslikesherownbetter/

at first i wondered why white oleander was in the six dollar bargain bin.

and then i read it.

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

4 posted 2002-10-17 07:16 PM

I really liked this poem a lot. I welcome you to passions and hope that you enjoy your stay here. Read and reply. Critique and enjoy. The poem was very well written and I do look forward to more.

Check your e-mail for a special treat!

This post has been brought to you by the 'Totally Awesome Society of Puerto Rican Egotistical Sexy Men'.

Riley

Senior Member

since 2002-07-18

Posts 1038
in the pouring rain

5 posted 2002-10-17 08:10 PM

Welcome to Passions...I am sure you will enjoy the blue pages....watching for more....

Welcome and great poem!

Riley

~* Love humiliates you, hatered cradles you-White Olender *~

SuperSonic
Junior Member

since 2002-10-17

Posts 16
Northern Ireland

6 posted 2002-10-18 06:36 AM

OMG... *blushes* Thank you all so much...*gazes at monitor with wet eyes* its nice to feel welcome. Oh and Dopey Dope, that card is beautiful! I only hope I can continue to be a productive member of the Passions community.

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