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Riley

Senior Member

since 2002-07-18

Posts 1038
in the pouring rain

0 posted 2002-10-16 08:20 PM

on the ceiling of my finest hour
rests a mere singlet of blood
thrashing out the gooey wonder
a broken voice out of my reach
tell me mirror of my flawless faults
standing out within your claws i cry
echoing through the silent halls
caressing my body of utterly dreadful sorts
forth bring my scream
relentlessly pounding against my head
talentless jaws kick doubtless
i hold on fighting for my own life
of what i have left
again and again it comes
do you hear it
cackling evilly watching the red river run
as my eyes roll to see no more
all of this cover by a smile
eyes glisten with water
none chalet i grasp for air
and fall
into another day
and just another night
of torture

~* Love humiliates you, hatered cradles you-White Olender *~

Ina
Senior Member

since 2000-10-09

Posts 1236
Quebec, Canada

1 posted 2002-10-16 10:04 PM

whats a "chalet"? I liked this, it was sad. I liked
"on the ceiling of my finest hour
rests a mere singlet of blood
thrashing out the gooey wonder"

I really liked the image of a "singlet of blood"

Keep up the good work

Regina

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

2 posted 2002-10-16 10:14 PM

I think the ending would have been best left at "another day." I first read it like that and then scrolled down and saw there was more... I don't know... just saying "into another day" is a great place to close the poem off without having to end on a buzz-word like that.

The rest of the poem is really well-done... once again you're exploring newer, darker realms of poetry and adhering to them extremely well.

You're a very eclectic writer.

Parasite

Learn to place poetry before people
Before you place your poetry before the people.
~Andrey Kneller

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

3 posted 2002-10-17 04:42 PM

I thought you wrote it well. I enjoyed it muchly.

This post has been brought to you by the 'Totally Awesome Society of Puerto Rican Egotistical Sexy Men'.

Skyfire

Member Elite

since 2000-12-27

Posts 3381
Riding

4 posted 2002-10-17 08:01 PM

Woah... dude... I'm impressed

I've never really gotten into dark poetry (much to my chagrin), but you did this extremely well in my opinion

You are so my hero!

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