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anya
Member

since 2002-07-27

Posts 393
London, UK

0 posted 2002-10-16 03:58 PM

It's a strange time to watch you diminishing, to watch you dying,
overwhelming grief intertwined with those golden summer days,
but the sunlight hours began to fade,
I started to feel a chill in the air, summer could not last much longer, neither could he,
and the nights drew in, the darkness was about us all the more,
the darkness was in him all the more,
but there is nothing you can do to stop summer crumbling into the bitter cold,
no way to catch that fleeting sunshine,
and so it goes that all beautiful things will come to an end,
just like he did,
he was a glorius Indian Summer that had to, in the end,descend into winter,
but for him the spring will never come again

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

1 posted 2002-10-16 04:03 PM

This is absolutely beautiful.  I read this about three times just to get the full impact of it.  What you've described here is extremely touching... you've done a wonderful job of putting it into words.

I like the seasonal comparison between what is either a literal death, or a death of happiness (I'm not sure which it is at this point).  It greatly enhanced the implied importance of this person, in my opinion, which plays an extremely valuable role in the poem's initial impact.

One critique I have to make is that you break your lines more often, so that it flows more like poetry and less like prose.

I loved reading this, Anya.  Extremely well written.

Parasite

Learn to place poetry before people
Before you place your poetry before the people.
~Andrey Kneller

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

2 posted 2002-10-17 04:12 PM

I really liked this poem. You wrote it well, and the title completely caught my eye. I enjoyed this.

This post has been brought to you by the 'Totally Awesome Society of Puerto Rican Egotistical Sexy Men'.

Skyfire

Member Elite

since 2000-12-27

Posts 3381
Riding

3 posted 2002-10-17 07:38 PM

Beautiful anya, just beautiful. It reminded me of that song "Strawberry Wine" but it's way better than the song. I got the most gorgeous mental inages while I was reading this. Great job

A. L. Becker
Member

since 2002-09-06

Posts 167
San Francisco, California

4 posted 2002-10-23 03:39 AM

I think it's perfect as it reads Anya. Beautiful.

"Oh, do not ask, 'What is it?'
Let us go and make our visit."
-Eliot

vlraynes
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-25

Posts 8229
Somewhere... out there...

5 posted 2002-11-05 12:37 PM

anya~
This is an absolutely gorgeous piece of writing.
I'm with Rhonda...the images this creates are beautiful.
Extremely well done.
~Vicky

P.S. Don't forget to check out Teen Challenge #2!
"...until you have read the verse on his heart,
you have not truly met the poet.
~vlraynes

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