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My world is viewed through dreamers eyes (villanelle)
| Teen Poetry #6 |
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My world is viewed through dreamers eyes (villanelle) |
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Kevin
since 1999-11-02
Posts 729Torrington, Ct, Usa 
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My world is viewed through dreamers eyes, and though we lay together, still, I know you sleep beneath own skies. I’m not a man to compromise my someday’s chance and today’s will. My world is viewed through dreamers eyes. But every word you speak implies that dreams are dreams and don’t fulfill. I know you sleep beneath own skies. Your words ar’nt mine, though maybe wise, to swallow them would make me ill. My world is viewed through dreamers eyes. So rest tonight, ignore goodbyes, and set them on the window sill. I know you sleep beneath own skies. Tomorrow daylight will apprise Ourselves to what our fates have willed. My world is viewed through dreamers eyes. I know you sleep beneath own skies. I'm on my feet, I'm on the floor, I'm good to go All I need is just to hear a song I know [This message has been edited by Kevin (10-15-2002 09:04 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 Kevin Bednarz - All Rights Reserved | |||
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quietlydying
since 2001-06-10
Posts 935the wonderful land of oz |
hmmmmm... while i did enjoy this one, i must say i don't like it as much as your other works. especially january. heh. i really love the line 'my world is viewed through dreamer's eyes', however i felt it was overused a bit. and it shouldn't be used as the title either. it would have a lot more impact if it was used sparingly. i must say the rhyming also sounded a bit forced. now don't get me wrong, i didn't hate it and i don't want you to think that. in fact i quite enjoyed it, but i think it could still use some work. there is some real promise in this piece. thanks for the read. /jen/ at first i wondered why white oleander was in the six dollar bargain bin. and then i read it. [This message has been edited by quietlydying (10-15-2002 08:57 PM).] |
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Kevin
since 1999-11-02
Posts 729Torrington, Ct, Usa |
I have to use it that much  its a villanelle |
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quietlydying
since 2001-06-10
Posts 935the wonderful land of oz |
i know, i just don't like it. i really detracts from the poem. just my seventeen cents. /jen/ at first i wondered why white oleander was in the six dollar bargain bin. |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
Kevin, I've written quite a few villanelles... enough to be confident in criticizing one of them. I think there is a lot you could have done differently in this in order to make it read through better. /jen/ observed that the repetition was taking away from the poem. This isn't the fault of the format, it is the fault of the choice of repeated lines. When writing a villanelle, it is extremely important to ensure that your repeated lines are ones that are broadly related to the poem, and will be an enhancement, not a detriment. "My world is viewed through dreamer eyes" is an alright choice for a repeated line... as it pertains to the rest of the poem rather closely. The other repeated line, however, is too weak to be that. I felt it was the weakest line of the poem, because "own skies" alone kind of doesn't make sense... plus, the meter dictates that "own" should be unstressed, which is harmful to the poem's flow. Bringing this line back is a bad idea because it constantly reminds the reader of the disrupted flow. In the end of a villanelle, when the two lines are repeated back to back... they should sound good when phrased one after the other. They should have a strong connection... The two lines you chose to repeat weren't central enough to your poem, nor did they connect enough, in order to make the villanelle format effective. I know you're a big boy, and you can handle criticism... so I'm not afraid to call you on that. As for the content, I thought it was rather well thought-out. You might want to revise this so that it suits the format more effectively. Practice, my friend. Practice. Parasite Learn to place poetry before people |
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Kevin
since 1999-11-02
Posts 729Torrington, Ct, Usa |
I can see how as a reader it would sound like my repeated lines were uncentralized, and the flow does trip up in the third line, your right, but I thought that the two lines were both central to the poem, I being a dreamer, and her being more down to earth, does that metaphor not come across? |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
You see what I mean, Kevin? You are alternating between two polarized lines. The fact that the sort of describe opposite ends of the spectrum that the poem discusses makes them non-connective. The way that they are worded is primarily what I'm concerned with... the error in meter of the second repeated line is my main concern here... But in the end, when they are meant to be brought together, they should flow into one another. Each is an independent statement and has nothing to do with the other in terms of sentence structure. I understand how these points are important to the meaning of your poem, but I don't believe they are "central." If both were central, there wouldn't be such a lack of connectivity... A good way to choose your lines is to see that they are one observation, and one observation to either follow or conclude from the first one. "My world is viewed through dreamer eyes" and "I know you sleep beneath own skies" are both equal observations, one doesn't lead into the other. I hope I'm being a bit more clear. I caught the metaphors and everything, but what I'm discussing doesn't really concern that, so much as it concerns the way you structured the poem. Every line is well done in this poem, Kevin... I just think your choice of organization could be improved. That's all. Parasite |
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Kevin
since 1999-11-02
Posts 729Torrington, Ct, Usa |
oh I got ya, sort of enjambment with the last two? ill work on it |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
Not my favorite piece, but enjoyed very much nonetheless. I really liked it kevin. You wrote it well. I happen to enjoy vilanelle's, so if you'd like to post more, go for it hehe. Hope to see more of your work man, you rock.  This post has been brought to you by the 'Totally Awesome Society of Puerto Rican Egotistical Sexy Men'. |
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