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Passions in Poetry

Dead in the Web of Broken Hearts

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Dopey Dope
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0 posted 10-13-2002 07:23 PM       View Profile for Dopey Dope   Email Dopey Dope   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Dopey Dope

NOTE: I always start my poems off with a little note so here you go.... I haven't posted a poem in more than a year, what a shame ha.....my style has completely changed, and I do urge some constructive critiques. Have fun with them too....I don't bite.


Dead in the Web of Broken Hearts:


The black widow strikes again as I dance with her in the moonlight.
I couldn't bare to let go of her octa-charm and her uni-love.
She is what I've always dreamed of having. She is her spider unit in form.
I'm not in love with her yet, but the infatuation is unbareable.

My vision is scewed, my motion is less, and I cannot seem to care anymore.
It is as if my mind has gone blind with lust, and prophetic in touch.
This, the poisonous venom of spider emotion, is infesting my very essence.
The take over is overwhelming, but still I cannot compel myself to break free.

This is it, this is the moment she and I have been waiting for.
The very second I willingly sacrifice my life to feed her desires.
My eyes close and my heart skips a beat before it finally gives way,
And I, I lay motionless. Dead on the cold tiles of the spider kingdom.

Dead in the web of broken hearts.




This post has been brought to you by the 'Totally Awesome Society of Puerto Rican Egotistical Sexy Men'.

© Copyright 2002 Pepe de la Muerte - All Rights Reserved
Riley
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1 posted 10-13-2002 08:00 PM       View Profile for Riley   Email Riley   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Riley

Cool, kind ruined the ending a little bit though, cause you used the title, but hey good anyway!!!!!!!!!


Ri

~* Love humiliates you, hatered cradles you-White Olender *~

PoetryIsLife
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2 posted 10-13-2002 09:13 PM       View Profile for PoetryIsLife   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for PoetryIsLife

My my my..... Dopey returns, and with perhaps the best poem I've read in ages. Damn. I can honestly say, I'm blown away as much as a fairly unemotional and unblowawayable guy can be.   Dopey... I love the new style. Its fantastic.

Deep, provoking, mezmerizing. A lot of sugar, granted, but deserved.

Love can truly mezmerize to where reality is lost and we walk unto our own death.

*hears the cows still laughing*

Hilarious sig, dopes.

Sincerely,
Titus


"My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems."

(2002 Copyright)

[This message has been edited by PoetryIsLife (10-13-2002 09:14 PM).]

quietlydying
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the wonderful land of oz


3 posted 10-13-2002 09:26 PM       View Profile for quietlydying   Email quietlydying   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for quietlydying

whoa!!

::cough cough::

i almost choked wading through all of those exclamation points.

anyways, thanks for posting for brian.  i'm sure he really appreciates it.

but jav, if that's you, damn you're FINE!!

i like a lot...

/jen/

i just haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister.

[the closest thing i've found to heaven is sitting here talking to you.bif naked]

quietlydying
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4 posted 10-13-2002 10:27 PM       View Profile for quietlydying   Email quietlydying   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for quietlydying

i've told you how i feel about this piece.

i am completely blown away.

awestruck as one could say.

i am in love with this piece.  simply in love with it.

/jen/

i just haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister.

[the closest thing i've found to heaven is sitting here talking to you.bif naked]

quietlydying
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5 posted 10-13-2002 10:30 PM       View Profile for quietlydying   Email quietlydying   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for quietlydying

slipped my mind.  whoops.  sorry about the third.

/jen/

i just haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister.

[the closest thing i've found to heaven is sitting here talking to you.bif naked]

clumsy
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canada.


6 posted 10-13-2002 11:17 PM       View Profile for clumsy   Email clumsy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit clumsy's Home Page   View IP for clumsy

i liked... very much so ^_^ weee.
Skyfire
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7 posted 10-13-2002 11:41 PM       View Profile for Skyfire   Email Skyfire   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Skyfire

Dude, *reads your critique message* *blinks* I hate cows. They scare me. Seriously, they terrify the crap out of me. Anyway, I agree with Riley that sticking the title at the end kinda wrecked what was a first rate poem.

It's so cool to see you around here
Marshalzu
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8 posted 10-14-2002 09:06 AM       View Profile for Marshalzu   Email Marshalzu   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Marshalzu's Home Page   View IP for Marshalzu

A brilliant read

Andrew
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9 posted 10-14-2002 12:35 PM       View Profile for Local Parasite   Email Local Parasite   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Local Parasite's Home Page   View IP for Local Parasite

I'm liking this new style, Javier.  I agree with what Riley said, probably because she completely ripped me off on that point...

I loved the "octa-charm and uni-love" thing.  I don't think that's ever really been done before, and I have to commend you on taking a very original approach there...

"My very essence" is kind of... well... melodramatic.

I really like this otherwise... it's sad, but it does happen, doesn't it?  I hate how people are usually sexually biased on this, and always consider it a case of male taking advantage of female... but it does happen the other way around, quite often.

Nice work Javier.  

Parasite

Learn to place poetry before people
Before you place your poetry before the people.
~Andrey Kneller

Ina
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10 posted 10-14-2002 04:37 PM       View Profile for Ina   Email Ina   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Ina

I really enjoyed your poem, Javier. It's been in awhile. I really dont know what to say except that i like the new style.

Regina
Riley
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11 posted 10-14-2002 06:09 PM       View Profile for Riley   Email Riley   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Riley

Cows? Sure, why not.....cows are cool, and my cousin moos at them so why not......and Brian, so sorry for taking the punch line to your norm, but I have been so used to seeing you say that to everyone it was an auto thing. Gtg!


Ri

~* Love humiliates you, hatered cradles you-White Olender *~

LoveBug
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12 posted 10-14-2002 06:33 PM       View Profile for LoveBug   Email LoveBug   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for LoveBug

I'm glad to see your work again. I like this style of writing more than how you did before (even though you did a great job then too!). This is a wonderful piece... it's hard when you know that you're going to be destroyed and hurt by someone or something, but you still long to have it. I hope to see you post more!

Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.

Child of the Stars
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13 posted 10-14-2002 09:11 PM       View Profile for Child of the Stars   Email Child of the Stars   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Child of the Stars

ooOOoo I'm sensing an eerie chain reaction here.

Javier. Javier Javier Javier... I missed that weird shivery feeling I get every time I read something of yours. Thanks for the renewal. Much love, peace, all that.

  ~Carly

"My own eyes are not enough for me; I will see through a thousand and yet remain myself..."
  ~C.S. Lewis

lil cherry
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14 posted 10-14-2002 10:02 PM       View Profile for lil cherry   Email lil cherry   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for lil cherry

that's amazing, i had never thought of using a spider as a symbol for this combination of emotions, very creative.
~~*lil cherry*~~
Allysa
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In an upside-down garden


15 posted 10-15-2002 10:23 AM       View Profile for Allysa   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Allysa

In respoense to your critique message, I adore cows....

Anyway......

I agree with Parasite.  The octa-charm and uni-love thing really caught my attention.  I adore it, Dopey.

I adore your new style of writing, Dope, it's wonderful, and flows magnificently.  (personally, I can tell if I enjoy a piece based on what it sounds like inside my head, and if it flows or confuses me, well, phooey...but let me tell you, this was AMAZING!)

Sorry if I sound like a creepy old woman, but I adore this poem.... it's marvelous.   Maybe I'll drop you an email soon...

"Wie ein Quadrat in einem Kreis, eck' ich immer wieder an obwohl ich doch schon lange weiß, daß ich niemals ändern kann." ~Wizo

Jenn Cirrincione
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16 posted 10-15-2002 05:24 PM       View Profile for Jenn Cirrincione   Email Jenn Cirrincione   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Jenn Cirrincione

Javier!! And how are you old man?
We've missed your antics around here.
My my my... loving this style you've latched onto, great work on it. I actually could feel the passion and all of the different heavy emotions involved with it. So glad to read your stuff again, and you keep writing them, I promise to keep reading.

P.S. College does a body good eh?
NICE picture

Why is it that we are at our most ingenius only when trying to destroy the things that keep us alive and thriving?

cherish
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swimming in fairy floss.......


17 posted 10-15-2002 08:24 PM       View Profile for cherish   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for cherish

Sheesh, YOU bitch long enough and you get it in the end, hope you weren't holding your breath.


quote:

The black widow strikes again as I dance with her in the moonlight.
I couldn't bare to let go of her octa-charm and her uni-love.
She is what I've always dreamed of having. She is her spider unit in form.
I'm not in love with her yet, but the infatuation is unbareable.



I like your 'subject'- the black widow spider cuz she's perfect for your purpose. (You males often don't know what's good or what's bad for you). I know a couple of people said that they liked the reference to 'octa-charm', but I though that it made that particular phrase a bit cheesy. I had visions of huge legs stroking you *shudders*. I know that that is taking the term literally, but that's what I felt it did; it made the image trivial.
I agree with you on the infatuation thought. You're not in love but cant bear to let go. Nicely put.


quote:

My vision is scewed, my motion is less, and I cannot seem to care anymore.
It is as if my mind has gone blind with lust, and prophetic in touch.
This, the poisonous venom of spider emotion, is infesting my very essence.
The take over is overwhelming, but still I cannot compel myself to break free.



Nice, you're being infested with spider venom and are now slowly dying, congratulations. No, you described this well, I liked the imagery a lot cuz it made a lot of sense with the idea of infatuation and being overcome by her charms.  
I just didnt like the way you wrote "my motion is less" its like trying to find the long route to the park instead of jumping the back fence into it.

quote:

This is it, this is the moment she and I have been waiting for.
The very second I willingly sacrifice my life to feed her desires.
My eyes close and my heart skips a beat before it finally gives way,
And I, I lay motionless. Dead on the cold tiles of the spider kingdom.




Aww, you've got to admit that you died happy. I mean imagine dying in the throes of an orgasm. How good would that be? Sure you would be dead, but she'd have your babies and you would have died sexually satisfied.

All's not lost. I liked the descriptiveness of it all but the thought of being self-sacrificing doesnt really connect with your idea of infatuation. I read it as you begining to feel sorry for yourself for giving up your life to the black widow spider. It's like you disregarded the fact that you, initally, wanted it.  You were infatuated, albeit by her charms, you lusted. You gave in, it isnt entirely a self-sacrifice if you got what you wanted. You died for her desires yes, but you also died because of your own.

I know Brian said that people think that Men take advantage of women all the time and that sometimes its the other way around- women taking advantage of men...but I think that this poem isnt about her taking advantage of you and you just dying there without getting anything out of it. You did get something out of it sex and pride, but had to pay the price. All she wanted was some sex, some food and your babies.

quote:

Dead in the web of broken hearts.



I dont agree with this line, cuz it's saying that there was a heart involved- that there was love involved, yet clearly, there wasnt any love to be had. You were merely infatuated by her charms and then lustful of her. I didnt like the fact that you used it in your title either- it took away from the poem instead of bringing it round to a full circle.

I quite liked the discriptions and the way you used spiders as a metaphor. The analogy was great, though I think you should put a bit more thought into it. It hardly means that I didnt like the poem itself and that you havent got the talent anymore, I just know you've got better (Banana!Banana!Banana).

Anyhow, Mr Jaxtrio and his harem of sexy seedlings all say hi.   

Are you scared?          BOO! Are you now?

anonymousfemale
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Limbo


18 posted 10-16-2002 07:44 AM       View Profile for anonymousfemale   Email anonymousfemale   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for anonymousfemale

Hey hey, Mr Javier

It is *very* nice to read something from you again. You've made me wander around in the archives and that's not a good thing because, well, they're full of cobwebs and I don't like spiders very much.

Now the piece - very well put together. This woman sounds like quite a delightful person. I like it when someone screws another person over - mwahahaha!
Now seriously, you've spun (ha!) up some wonderful images and have some very good lines. As per usual it's a great piece and it's easy to see how far you've come with your writing.

And the cows? Cows rock! Just don't eat them because meat is pure evil.

~AF~

"No hesitation, no delay
You come on just like special K
Just like I swallowed half my stash
I never ever want to crash"
Special K - Placebo

PoetryIsLife
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19 posted 10-17-2002 12:45 AM       View Profile for PoetryIsLife   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for PoetryIsLife

*bump*


~Titus
PoetryIsLife
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20 posted 10-21-2002 04:08 AM       View Profile for PoetryIsLife   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for PoetryIsLife

Will we see more soon?

By the way, it was sent to the right email address... guess you mistook it for junkmail... lol.

Sincerely,
Titus

"My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems."

(2002 Copyright)

Dopey Dope
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21 posted 10-21-2002 11:39 AM       View Profile for Dopey Dope   Email Dopey Dope   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Dopey Dope

Aw my bad titus. Probably did.
Will you see more? I don't know, do you want more? haha

Yeah you'll see more, but I space them out a lot. I was thinking about posting my next poem around my 17k post. Not for the exact 17,000 but maybe like 17,011th post hehe

I have a LOT of poems that nobody has ever read. Remember, I stopped showing people them for almost two years. So I won't run out of pieces. Have no fear.
Anyhow, most of the people here do not know who I am. I don't want people to be like "bla bla this guy is crappy" hehe.

Anyhow......to everybody, thanks for replying to the poem.. I usually explain all my poems with this extensively long reply, but nobody asked for it.

hehe much love

This post has been brought to you by the 'Totally Awesome Society of Puerto Rican Egotistical Sexy Men'.

Local Parasite
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22 posted 10-21-2002 12:26 PM       View Profile for Local Parasite   Email Local Parasite   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Local Parasite's Home Page   View IP for Local Parasite

Is it too late to ask for it?  
Dopey Dope
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23 posted 10-21-2002 01:26 PM       View Profile for Dopey Dope   Email Dopey Dope   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Dopey Dope

The black widow strikes again as I dance with her in the moonlight.

- I wrote this poem with a girl in mind. One that I thought, with time, I could have fallen in love with. I usually use spiders to symbolize either love or life. I am obsessed with the webs and how much work it takes to make it, and just how delicate they are. The black widow was picked because I felt that the lust with this girl was so intense that I could have died at any time. It was absurd, but I was happy to partake in such actions (thus the dancing in the moonlight- somewhat romantic, dontcha think?)-


I couldn't bare to let go of her octa-charm and her uni-love.

-I was in lust with her. So much that I didn't want to let go (leave puerto rico to go to college). Octa-charm: it just symbolizes how much charm she has. Spiders/8 legs/octagon
Girl/2 legs/ lots of charm
The equation says octa-charm hehe....same with uni-love: one girl, one love or lust. Like I said, the lust was so intense that, with time and depth, it could have turned into love.-

She is what I've always dreamed of having.
-Do I have to explain this line?

She is her spider unit in form.

-With this I'm just exemplifying that she is herself and no other. There is no mask before her face, there is only her within her own beingness. This is something, I should say, we all like. Who likes a poser? So yeah, this line was pretty out there.-

I'm not in love with her yet, but the infatuation is unbareable.

-This brings us back to my saying that the lust(infatuation) was so great that I COULD have fallen in love with her. The word 'yet' brings about the idea that it is a possibility. However, the wait is simply excruciating.-

My vision is scewed, my motion is less, and I cannot seem to care anymore.

-Now I'm trying to describe how I feel internally. I cannot see. Also, what I mean by "my motion is less" is that I was trying to figure out what I could say. I thought of "motionless", but then came up with a better way, a secret way to say it. However, even though I couldn't see or move, it didn't bother me. I was caged within this infatuation and couldn't bring myself to care. I liked it.-

It is as if my mind has gone blind with lust, and prophetic in touch.

-This reafirms (sp?) how I am blind with this lust or infatuation. The prophetic in touch just basically means I understand what's going to happen everytime I touch this woman. It's going to feel like bliss, like heaven. I can forsee this blis, and this heaven. Nothing too complicated there. This poem is pretty simple.-

This, the poisonous venom of spider emotion, is infesting my very essence.

-I try to make it seem like I am fighting this lust and desperately losing. How sad, huh? Not really. hehe The poisonous venom of spider emotion is the feeling of a soft-core love infesting my being. I say soft-core because it was probably just the very first steps to feeling that much about a person. Hard-core love would be completely mind blowing, I had not reached that level yet.-

The take over is overwhelming, but still I cannot compel myself to break free.

-I don't think I have to explain this line. Pretty out there.-


This is it, this is the moment she and I have been waiting for.

- Ok so we both want this moment. Got it?-

The very second I willingly sacrifice my life to feed her desires.

-This is the moment. This describes what we both want. I give myself to her to feed her. Black widow, she kills....EVIL! but hey we all like evil girls sometimes. Especially a hot model from Puerto Rico with a great body and a personality to match.-

My eyes close and my heart skips a beat before it finally gives way,

- This is me preparing for my "death", so to speak. It's a new beginning. This is where I brace myself for the final take down.-

And I, I lay motionless. Dead on the cold tiles of the spider kingdom.

-The take down sucks, because I am being taken down by such a powerful force that I lose myself. Losing yourself is bad folks, no matter what anyone says. However, regardless of that, I willingly lost myself within the cold tiles of love, of the spider kingdom.-

Dead in the web of broken hearts.

-This is where my heart comes into place. It reaches love in the end. But only within its end was love reached. I could not have known it was love until I was gone, and when I was gone I could not have acted out that love was actually there. It was as if nothing was present, and the present was nothing. Therefore, I, within my death (my beginning) I fell in love. And fell I did, hard.....so hard I couldn't get up....so hard my heart broke.....ouch, huh?-

And so folks, for those who have read all of this I ask you one question: WHY!!!!!!
Go away, drink a coke....why did you put yourself through this hell?

Much love to you though. Anybody who read it all deserves a kiss from me, even if you're a guy. I am that impressed haha.

thanks guys, later

This post has been brought to you by the 'Totally Awesome Society of Puerto Rican Egotistical Sexy Men'.

vlraynes
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since 07-25-2000
Posts 9136
Somewhere... out there...


24 posted 10-21-2002 08:34 PM       View Profile for vlraynes   Email vlraynes   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit vlraynes's Home Page   View IP for vlraynes


Hi, Javier.
Loving your critique message...you're SO humble!
I know it took me a little while to reply to
this, but that doesn't take away from how
much I enjoyed it.
You did a great job with the symbolism in this
piece,and it's definately one of my favorites from you.
Awesome write, my friend.
~Vicky

"...until you have read the verse on his heart,
you have not truly met the poet.
~vlraynes

 
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