In the Absence of Your Love

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quietlydying

Senior Member

since 2001-06-10

Posts 935
the wonderful land of oz

0 posted 2002-10-13 02:23 AM

i was reading through some older posts and was seeing how some poets in here were cautiously venturing into freeverse and whatnot.

and it reminded me that i too, once rhymed.

i know i know. shocking to say the least. but it's true!! so here i have for you, a repost from a few teens ago. but yes, it was a class assignment. so there is an explination. har har har.
.

.

.

And now I feel nothing but a cool breeze,
where conceited love-for-show had it's place.
Dancing out of my life with such great ease,
I surrendered, lacking faith to give chase.
Swallowing many insecurities,
fill the void your absence has left within.
Satiate, in lieu of all the worries,
the anguish leaking through my paper skin.
Panic! Empty the body, rid the soul.
Gone, that which I have no need for exiled.
Vulnerable, fill the empty hole.
Body of a woman, heart of a child.
I, your creation, lie cracked and broken,
lost on the border of sainthood and sin.

.

/jen/

i just haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister.

[the closest thing i've found to heaven is sitting here talking to you.bif naked]

[This message has been edited by quietlydying (10-13-2002 02:26 AM).]

Skyfire

Member Elite

since 2000-12-27

Posts 3381
Riding

1 posted 2002-10-13 03:44 PM

I honestly don't like this as much as your other stuff. I like it, but... it's not you... which could mean that I've grown accustomed to your style. Good thing or bad thing? I don't know. It's good, just not like the poems you've been posting recently... ya know?

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

2 posted 2002-10-13 07:19 PM

I liked it a lot. I read it really slowly though making sure that everything was grasped by my fragile little mind.
I think it has just as much flare as your others, just in a very different category.

I'm loing the body of a woman line...very nicely done. Very opposite-endy (i made that word up!)....in other words, contradictions were apparent within the poem. Sort of a internal battle of what's going on.

Well done

This post has been brought to you by the 'Totally Awesome Society of Puerto Rican Egotistical Sexy Men'.

Marshalzu

Member Elite

since 2001-02-15

Posts 2681
Lurking

3 posted 2002-10-14 09:14 AM

This is an absolutly wonderful poem, I really enjoyed the read. It's different to a lot of your other posts but it has a similar tone to them.

Andrew

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

4 posted 2002-10-14 12:27 PM

I'm leaning towards Skyfire's comment of not liking it as much as your others... but I still liked it, sort of... hehe... a glimpse into your history.

I think you did a good job ditching rhyme... you demonstrated a kind of uncertainty about the rhyme in your poem and I could really tell you were struggling on a few of them. I could go on and on about the things you did wrong with the rhyme scheme but, you can always ask me personally...

Hey... structure just isn't right for some people. You write amazing poetry when you're not bound by formatting. Reading this made me appreciate that a bit more.

Parasite

Learn to place poetry before people
Before you place your poetry before the people.
~Andrey Kneller

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