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clumsy
Member

since 2002-10-10

Posts 106
canada.

0 posted 2002-10-12 11:14 PM

When it comes to this,
I'm afraid that I've said
And done the wrong thing.
But your world is so perfect
Compared to mine
And maybe if I wasn't in it
There'd be more sunshine.
I'm trying to figure out if
This is all there it
If you is all there is
I want to fall with you
Hold your hand walking in the stars
To break with you.
But in the end I know I will only
End up killing myself
For steadfast love
That will never be
And I'm looking at your photographe
It's got dust around the edges
Just like my heart
Has shadows around it
And I'm ripping you up
Because I can't stand to see you
Smile if I'm not smiling myself.

Android 17

Senior Member

since 2001-07-21

Posts 664
Winnipeg

1 posted 2002-10-12 11:19 PM

*slightly narrows eyes* I wanna talk to about this, on MSN okay?

Heh---other than that, I don't know what to say! If I said, "Good job" it'd be too bland a statement...but---Good Job!

~ 17

All I do, is think about you...

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

2 posted 2002-10-12 11:22 PM

Nicely done. Looking for more.

This post has been brought to you by the 'Totally Awesome Society of Puerto Rican Egotistical Sexy Men'.

Skyfire

Member Elite

since 2000-12-27

Posts 3381
Riding

3 posted 2002-10-13 12:19 PM

You okay? Nicely written, but slightly worriesome, and I don't even know you. Email if you wanna talk, okay?

clumsy
Member

since 2002-10-10

Posts 106
canada.

4 posted 2002-10-13 12:56 PM

i'm fineeee everyone. i wrote this AWHILE ago when i was crushing on a girl named liz. but now i have the most wonderfullest girlfriend named katryna. thanks for your help though.

EleanorMoonbaby
Member

since 2002-09-02

Posts 202
England, UK

5 posted 2002-10-13 09:36 AM

I loved this, it rang true. That is all. Thankies.
Ellie *)

"Last night, I had a dream that I went to the doctors, and she gave me eight minutes to live. I'd spent thirty minutes in the [edited by moderator] waiting room"- S

[This message has been edited by quietlydying (10-20-2002 07:37 PM).]

PoetryIsLife

Senior Member

since 2001-10-27

Posts 1763
...in my boxers...

6 posted 2002-10-13 09:26 PM

This took many a trip, down many a path. At times, superb, superb images, mi amiga. Some lines seemed out of place, but some lines, such as the ending, fit right in. Well done, senorita.

Sincerely,
Titus

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

7 posted 2002-10-14 12:05 PM

This is pretty good. I liked the way you described the path of the narrator's emotions, with a conclusive ending. This poem has excellent unity, from start to finish. Good work.

Parasite

Learn to place poetry before people
Before you place your poetry before the people.
~Andrey Kneller

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