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Chel2082
Junior Member

since 2002-07-23

Posts 40
Baltimore, MD

0 posted 2002-10-12 10:29 PM

Why can't you tell the truth?
I give you so many chances and all you do is lie
You talk to other people, but not me, your best friend
Why can't you tell the truth?
I found out the truth from other people
And all you can do is say you are sorry
Why can't you just tell the truth?
The worst thing in the world is for you to lie then tell the truth after someone else tells the truth for you.
Why can't you just tell the truth?

With GOD all things are possible...<3 CHEL

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

1 posted 2002-10-12 10:32 PM

I like your repeated lines, revisitation of the original idea and the like... brings a lot into the poem.

I also liked the lines that referred to not only the party in question, but also the narrator, in personal tones... "but not me, your best friend" does a good job of describing the relationship between the two people in the poem.

Nice work.

Parasite

Learn to place poetry before people
Before you place your poetry before the people.
~Andrey Kneller

[This message has been edited by Local Parasite (10-12-2002 10:32 PM).]

quietlydying

Senior Member

since 2001-06-10

Posts 935
the wonderful land of oz

2 posted 2002-10-12 10:57 PM

there is some very real potential in this piece.

you explored this topic very well and expressed your feelings in a straightforward manner.  something i do so very much enjoy.  ::grins::

however the second last line is a bit too much.  try and find a way to shorten it, or reword it.  i found that you used too many similar words bunched together, which forces the reader to reread the line.  maybe you could use a metaphor in its place?

one last thing.  i find that the title 'why' is used far too often, even though it may be the subject of the poem.  perhaps you could come up with something a little different?  it could be anything, from a lie you were told [you said you were washing your hair] or anything about the person [never trust a man with blue shoes], etc.

basically just have fun, and explore all of the different possibilites.  remember, nothing is ever carved in stone.  that's why the word 'edit' exists.  ::grins::

good write and keep it up.

/jen/

i just haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister.

[the closest thing i've found to heaven is sitting here talking to you.bif naked]

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

3 posted 2002-10-13 01:16 AM

I like the little life lesson at the second to last line. You wrote this in a way that sounds like you were utterly confused on how this person that you like so much is doing this to you. I felt it....or at least I think I did.
Well done on the poem though

This post has been brought to you by the 'Totally Awesome Society of Puerto Rican Egotistical Sexy Men'.

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