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Teen Poetry #6
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cherish
Senior Member
since 2001-03-25
Posts 1639
swimming in fairy floss...........

0 posted 2002-10-12 08:10 AM



Salt

(i)
When the river has passed
Its used-by date,
And the water stagnates
Into a saline mess upon
Your cheek,
Turn upon your sparkled heels
To charm your deaf audience
With love-suicide tragedies.

(ii)
You are the beggar
Upon her dry bed
Of torn arms.
Satiating parched lips
With drops of sweat
Curling around
Your outstretched fingers.
No longer love-lorn but in lust.

(iii)
Skin covers her insides
Older then that within.
So she slashes her sheets
Frenzied and violent, to
Ebb her memories
Of salt-less waters
Coursing through hidden veins
Forged by romantic luster.

(iv)
All your dreams spill, and lose
Themselves between waves at sea.
A different melody crashes
Over your ears
Waving soft bruises like a
Vaccine a beggar never injects.
It sings abrasively and abuses
You. Intoxicated, now, on timeless infatuation.


~~~~


Blah Bleh De La Li La La. Just felt like posting something without having first gone on a replying-spree. I've had enough of those for a while besides, I'm reading 50+ poems a day as it is...but this, this is something I wrote this afternoon. Don't read too much into it cuz it isn't as pre-meditated as I would have liked. Tell me that you hated it. It would make me feel a whole lot better- trust me.

I'm not going to provide an explaination cuz the semantical implications of the 'poem' are incriminating. And yes folks, it's a Lovey Dovey poem . A few things though for the one or two of you who're going to read this:

Salt- Is something I hate cuz it dehydrates and leaves me 'empty' and freakishly thirsty

River/fresh water- Love

Bed/Riverbed- What love/lust rested upon and

Anything alluding to the physical self, including 'Vaccine'- Physical afflictions.

Goodnight Folks. Love is a hapless creature which carries around its fortunes wherever its scent reaches.   

  

Are you scared?    BOO! Are you now?

© Copyright 2002 cherish - All Rights Reserved
Marshalzu
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since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681
Lurking
1 posted 2002-10-12 09:32 AM


As usual this is absolutely wonderful, the imagery and flow is superb and all in all it's a pleasure to read. Keep on writing this wonderful work or I'll have to prod you

Anyway Huggles and thanks for sharing

Andrew

Local Parasite
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Transylconia, Winnipeg
2 posted 2002-10-12 11:51 AM


I can't tell you I hated this.  Maybe I just haven't read Cherish poetry in ages, but this blew me away.  Wonderful imagery, wordings and themes... there were so many killer lines.  "Hidden veins" made me take notice... veins are not their content, they are simply the duct for what they can contain... to have "hidden veins" says nothing about what is in them, but only that there exists the capability for them to contain something... for them to provide a path for some hidden aspect of you...

That is my favourite part of the poem.  The whole thing is great, though... I interpereted it to describe how love can change people into something they never wanted to be...

quote:
Skin covers her insides
Older then that within.


Took that to mean, we cannot escape our nature, no matter what new habits we have formed... I read it as an introduction to the revelation that love was always nothing but lust, and love is not an inborn quality, but lust is.

Sorry, I'm rambling...

Talk to you soon, Cherry.  Nice to see you in here again.

Parasite

Learn to place poetry before people
Before you place your poetry before the people.
~Andrey Kneller

LCBS
Senior Member
since 2001-11-29
Posts 532
Connecticut
3 posted 2002-10-12 12:55 PM


I hated it


LCBS
Senior Member
since 2001-11-29
Posts 532
Connecticut
4 posted 2002-10-12 12:55 PM





And by hate I mean I couldnt have liked it more. I read it a few times in different ways.  First, I read it and didnt think about it, it was good.  Then I read it and looked for deeper meanings (even though you said not to) and I liked it even more...Great job...

*cough* I mean I hated it* cough


Hmmmm....

Dopey Dope
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Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico
5 posted 2002-10-12 03:48 PM


Hello my lovely island.
I enjoyed this poem, and by enjoyed I mean I hated it with a passion.
I, to be honest, didn't like this as much as some of your other work, but it was still good. Your choice of wording always impresses me. You know words that, when I read them, make me think "that's not a word, she's a liar!!!!"
Anyhow, well done on the poem. I look forward to reading more! (remember I sent you 9 of mine... )

much love,

This post has been brought to you by the 'Totally Awesome Society of Puerto Rican Egotistical Sexy Men'.

Skyfire
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Riding
6 posted 2002-10-12 04:38 PM


It's a good thing that you didn't want us to read into it, cause to be frank, I'm too tired to. I did enjoy --er, hate it though, as I usually do with your work. *sigh* Kudos to you, Cherish, may the best woman win.
Android 17
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since 2001-07-21
Posts 664
Winnipeg
7 posted 2002-10-12 11:18 PM


As always, this was a great peice of work. My only wish, was that it was longer. But then again, it'd take away from the poem...now wouldn't it? Oh well...

I've always seen your poetry, as windows to what's going on with you...

All I do, is think about you...

quietlydying
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the wonderful land of oz
8 posted 2002-10-13 01:51 AM


it sucked [because i could never write like that].

and i hate you [because you're such an incredible writer and i'm unbelievably nauseously jealous].


you never cease to amaze me.

/jen/

i just haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister.

[the closest thing i've found to heaven is sitting here talking to you.bif naked]

quietlydying
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the wonderful land of oz
9 posted 2002-10-13 01:53 AM


and because i do it whenever i fall in love with a line...

quote:

Turn upon your sparkled heels
To charm your deaf audience
With love-suicide tragedies.



beautiful.

i am awestruck by that phrase.

/jen/

i just haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister.

[the closest thing i've found to heaven is sitting here talking to you.bif naked]

anonymousfemale
Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797
Limbo
10 posted 2002-10-13 03:24 AM


Hello m'dear.

It's nice to see you posting around these parts again. I missed seeing your writing because it was always of such a high quality that no other person in here can measure up to. The again, maybe I'm biased - lol.

Now the piece itself really held my attention all the way through. The language itself without all the other fantastic aspects of it really does demonstrate how much of a grip you have on the English verse. I'm impressed.

(i) magically sets the scene for the entire write. It's a beautiful description of tears and how they can affect a person.

(ii) and (iii) is something I could connect with a little too well. The whole process of the, we'll say, actions makes life more mortal than immortal in all of it's entirity.  
quote:
Frenzied and violent, to
Ebb her memories
Of salt-less waters

Isn't that the truth...?

(iv) the last part of this caught me most of all. Perhaps I'm just in a big depressing pit of wallow at the moment and am reading into this a little differently than what I should be but it's perfectly describing the decline of a psyche once so strong, now succumbing to a world intent on destruction. The melodies are the parts of the self that disappear into the wind never to be seen again because everyone knows that a beautiful melody cannot be repeated.
quote:
Waving soft bruises like a
Vaccine a beggar never injects.

Ahh but sometimes those vaccines are better left to thought than to be embraced in time, eh?

Overall you've got on hell of a strong piece here. I cannot stress enough how amazing it is. It is definitely one of your stronger ones that I've seen (and I've seen a lot ) so be proud of this. Be incredibly proud because not a lot of people can write with such a beauty and magnificance than you can.

I'll talk to you soon, ok?

Me.

"It is far more difficult to murder a phantom than a reality." - Virginia Woolf

Riley
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since 2002-07-18
Posts 1038
in the pouring rain
11 posted 2002-10-13 12:28 PM


hehe, liked ur critique message! I haven't read much of ur writing but this is good. I really liked the metaphor!


Ri

~* Love humiliates you, hatered cradles you-White Olender *~

PoetryIsLife
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since 2001-10-27
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...in my boxers...
12 posted 2002-10-13 08:11 PM




~Ti

"My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems."

(2002 Copyright)

Acies
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since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665
Twilight Zone
13 posted 2002-10-24 11:18 AM



delightfully wonderful

là où est mon amour?
donde está mi amour?
wo ist meine Liebe?
Nelly Furtado é a menina a mais bonita no mundo largo do todo.


Darkness
Member
since 2002-10-17
Posts 202
The place just beyond my eyes, where my spirit flies.
14 posted 2002-10-24 01:36 PM


This is the absolute best poem I've read since, since, well I can't remember. I wish I had your extensive vocabulary and flow in my poetry. ANYWAYS... envy is a sin and not that I'm religeous in any way I just don't want to sound to sappy about my compliments.

Hope to read more,
Dark-to-the-ness

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