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Teen Poetry #6
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In Our School Library.....
| Teen Poetry #6 |
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In Our School Library..... |
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EleanorMoonbaby Member
since 2002-09-02
Posts 202England, UK 
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The room is white cold disinfected Like some sort of psychiactric ward. Believe it or not, there is a security camera on the wall; Looks like Big Brother is watching us. On one end of the room There are two rows of chairs (facing each other, of course. Chairs are very sociable). On the first row? A student sits absorbed Trapped in a cage made from the music of his Discman and the intensity of his study. It blocks everything out (he likes it that way). Next to him, a boy and a girl are talking. Lively, yet hushed banter Not daring to talk too loudly. They glow happily (nothing can outshine the flourescent lighting) On the second row? A girl lies sprawled out across the row of chairs. Her wrists look Dry Fragile Frail In the cold, empty light. She can see veins, like delicate blue spaghetti. In the background? Computer screens flicker. "Last night, I had a dream that I went to the doctors, and she gave me eight minutes to live. I'd spent thirty minutes in the [edited by moderator] waiting room"- S [This message has been edited by quietlydying (10-20-2002 07:29 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 Eleanor Warren - All Rights Reserved | |||
quietlydying
since 2001-06-10
Posts 935the wonderful land of oz |
there's some very interesting imagery here. but a few things... why would there be a security camera in a library? have you read george orwell's novel or just seen the tv show? psychiatric wards are quite different from normal hospital wards, and i believe that you're trying to describe more of a chemically clean place [a regular ward], so i think it would be best if you changed the wording around to specify that. if this is in a library, why are there no tables? i'm just trying to picture it, and i can't see the boy working without a table. especially in a library. you mentioned nothing about books. are they tucked away in some corner? in another room [like the library at my old high school]? etc. you should change the wording to 'IN the second row', it seems to sound better. i do enjoy the imagery, however i find the fact that it's in a school library a little bit puzzling. libraries are cluttered places. with books, computers, tables, chairs, displays, etc. and it's a difficult [if not impossible] thing to do to try and have a reader associate cluttered with disinfected, clean, barren [the image that seemed to be given in this piece] and so forth. i don't mean to sound overly harsh, because really enjoyed the images in here, i got a clear concise picture of a place [that looks nothing like a school library]. but i read your critique message, and did what you asked. ::grins:: /jen/ i just haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister. |
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EleanorMoonbaby Member
since 2002-09-02
Posts 202England, UK |
Hehehehe.... well, you evidently haven't seen my school library! First things first; yep, it has a video camera because our creepy computer technician Mr Lunn likes to watch us. Or check for vandalism (apparently). As for tables....... No-one actually works on them. We all tend to sit on the chairs with our ring binders across our knees. The boy (my friend Luke) always does that. I was more focussing on the people and how they are affected by the library than the material surroundings. It was a spur of the moment poem. Hence the lack of books. As for the psychiatric ward..... The library, like many wards of this sort is sort of controlling. You can't speak too loud or laugh, etc. If you read One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest (or even watch the film) you'll see what I mean about control. Our librarian is our very own Nurse Ratched! Anyhoo, thanks for commenting, and I see your point..... my random scribbles rarely make sense! Ellie *)  "Last night, I had a dream that I went to the doctors, and she gave me eight minutes to live. I'd spent thirty minutes in the [edited by moderator] waiting room"- S [This message has been edited by quietlydying (10-20-2002 07:29 PM).] |
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quietlydying
since 2001-06-10
Posts 935the wonderful land of oz |
oh, i don't need to read books to get a real-life glimpse of a psychiatric ward. i don't think i'll really elaborate on that one. /jen/ i just haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister. |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
I really liked the poem. The imagery you use is very vivid, somewhat morbid and frightening too....and yes, a library can be morbid and frightening. I never go to them anymore  *I* thought you wrote the poem very nicely. That's my humble opinion.  This message has been brought to you by the letter 'Y' |
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Skyfire
since 2000-12-27
Posts 3381Riding |
I like this one. It brought to my mind an image of what I used to look at a library like: a prison. The last bit, about the girl, was a nice twist, I thought. It jsut really works for me  |
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Ina Senior Member
since 2000-10-09
Posts 1236Quebec, Canada |
wow...thats your acual library? mine is very cozy, granted go to school in an old building. that creeps me out the camera in the library. The poem was nice. Regina |
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EleanorMoonbaby Member
since 2002-09-02
Posts 202England, UK |
quietlydying.... sorry, did'nt mean to sound patronising. I don't know much about psychiatric wards, just that the one in the town i live is very clean and quiet. i haven't ended up in there yet cuz my doc says im fine on meds. anyhoo, that was a metaphor for the usual weirdness tht goes on in our library. i'll shut up now because ive drunk to much so i'll just end up soundin stupid. thankies to y'all. ellie *) "Last night, I had a dream that I went to the doctors, and she gave me eight minutes to live. I'd spent thirty minutes in the [edited by moderator] waiting room"- S [This message has been edited by quietlydying (10-20-2002 07:30 PM).] |
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