here in this house - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

anya
Member

since 2002-07-27

Posts 393
London, UK

0 posted 2002-10-06 01:59 PM

Here in this house
the sickly sunshine barley filters through the musty windows,
and the light that makes it through is quickly ushered away.
And in here the air is different somehow,
a cloying sweetness that encroaches upon you and seeps through the skin.
Like the rays of a dying star,
this place is fading fast,
all the glory days are spent,
so now it is just a countdown
till all this crumbles, decays and is forgotten.
And as I walk through these doors,
the spiritless chill hits me first,
then the memories that once happiness and laughter existed here,
and I see how tainted this place is to me now.
So I am here in this house, no longer can I say I am here in my home

[This message has been edited by anya (10-06-2002 02:01 PM).]

Deep_Inside
Member

since 2002-02-14

Posts 377
i can't stop hiding

1 posted 2002-10-06 06:20 PM

this poem has lots in it and i like that but there was a small struggle to get through it
thanks for the read

Riley

Senior Member

since 2002-07-18

Posts 1038
in the pouring rain

2 posted 2002-10-06 09:09 PM

hehe, like the critique message!!! Great poem.....great.....it took me a minute to get through it cause I am tired and not paying attention but it was good! HEHE! Stupid me...ok great!
Ri

~* Love humiliates you, hatered cradles you-White Olender *~

quietlydying

Senior Member

since 2001-06-10

Posts 935
the wonderful land of oz

3 posted 2002-10-06 09:17 PM

this painted a really vivid picture.

i enjoyed it greatly.

and to all who read this, you should try reading it while listening to blank page [smashing pumpkins]. man, it blows you away.

just one thing. there are a few grammatical errors that should really be fixed up. the main one:

quote:

then the memories that once happiness and laughter existed here

and one very last suggestion i just thought of.

quote:

till all this crumbles, decays and is forgotten.

i think this line would flow much better if you omited the word 'and' and replaced it with a dash, or comma. some form of pause. as well, if you added the word 'of' in betweent 'all' and 'this'. maybe you could even extend 'til' into it's full form [until]. but that's just a thought of mine.

other than that, it was a very good piece. the best i've read from you yet.

keep writing.

/jen/

i just haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister.

[the closest thing i've found to heaven is sitting here talking to you.bif naked]

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

4 posted 2002-10-09 11:00 AM

I greatly enjoyed this, Anya. It's probably the best that I've read from you in these forums.

Excellent work. As Jen said, you paint a vivid image.

Parasite

Learn to place poetry before people
Before you place your poetry before the people.
~Andrey Kneller

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.