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Marshalzu

Member Elite

since 2001-02-15

Posts 2681
Lurking

0 posted 2002-10-03 06:17 PM

Bruised and battered
Cod and, chips
away at all thats, left
foot first out of the, door
bell impatiently, rings
around the, eye
witness to the, beaten
eggs whipped into a, batter(ed)
bruised and gently sobbing.

Andrew

Mister Zu:
Targetmrzu@hotmail.com

Jester
Junior Member

since 2002-08-13

Posts 41
The dark corners of your mind

1 posted 2002-10-03 06:37 PM

I really liked the flow of this... the line
"left foot first outside the door" together with the word impatiently afterwards makes it very powerful. Not much i could say... would be nice if there were some way to put batter(ed) differently...but that would change the whole thing. Great poem.

I am your God, will you kill me now or shall I be continually suicidal?

Marshalzu

Member Elite

since 2001-02-15

Posts 2681
Lurking

2 posted 2002-10-03 06:46 PM

You won't believe how long I played with "Batter(ed)" and yet nothing would work and so in the end I went with the compromise which I think detracts very little from the poem.

Anyway thank you for your reply

[5thC]: Making you believe the unbelievable

HopelessRomanticGuy
Member

since 2001-08-17

Posts 495
LI, New York

3 posted 2002-10-03 07:37 PM

This is an awsome poem, man. Y'know, being the person I am, I planned to come in here with some advice for what to do with "batter(ed)", but nothing seems to work... it really is too bad... but it flows VERY well the way it is, so maybe us critics should just appriciate that fact, ne?

Hmm..

I just noticed, that if you read it without analyzing it and just let the images come to you, it's like a whirlwind of images flying through my head. Quite an interesting sensation, I must admit! What a wonderful poem....

After Love comes Pain, then Love, Then Pain, then Love, then Pain..... does anyone else see a pattern here? Oh well, can't say it's not worth it.

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

4 posted 2002-10-03 07:54 PM

Eggs ever-so-delicately, battered
Bruised and gently sobbing.

Something like that?

[This message has been edited by Local Parasite (10-03-2002 08:43 PM).]

Skyfire

Member Elite

since 2000-12-27

Posts 3381
Riding

5 posted 2002-10-03 08:19 PM

*blinks* I had to read this twice, dude. You're messing with my head again. I like it though, I haven't seen that style before.

My second home is Ryan's place... just don't tell him that, eh?

quietlydying

Senior Member

since 2001-06-10

Posts 935
the wonderful land of oz

6 posted 2002-10-03 09:59 PM

i personally enjoy the batter[ed].

but you know me with my parenthesis. har har har.

nice write.

i enjoyed reading it.

::grins::

/jengoingnutswiththecattonight/

i just haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister.

[the closest thing i've found to heaven is sitting here talking to you.bif naked]

Marshalzu

Member Elite

since 2001-02-15

Posts 2681
Lurking

7 posted 2002-10-04 08:18 AM

Personally I don't believe there is any combination of words that could possibly replace the ones I have.

[5thC]: Making you believe the unbelievable

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