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Chloey
Member

since 2002-09-29

Posts 74
in a silver mustang convertible

0 posted 2002-10-03 08:14 AM

Life is a wonderful thing
but yesterday it was sad
a lady beat her child
she said they were bad

Now she is in prison
her life is done
never to see her child
she'll miss her son

he's real sad but happy to
he wont see his mother
but he's no bein beaten
but he still has he brother

East to the Ocean
West to the Sand
Death to the Biz-atch
That touches my man

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

1 posted 2002-10-03 01:21 PM

I think you trailed off just a bit too early in this poem. You concluded on kind of a weak point, I think you should maybe go back and revise this, adding a more conclusive stanza as the final one, which leaves the reader with some thought that relates to the entire poem. That's usually a good formula for an effective ending.

Another thing, Chloey... you should do some searching when you have to repeat words like "sad" or "happy." Those are kind of basic words... you would come across a lot stronger if you started trying to mix up your word usage a little bit... when I was learning how to write, I used a thesaurus, which was extremely helpful. You might want to try that.

It's good to see your subject matter deviating from your own personal life, though, and into subject matter that is beyond you. Writing like this, about other people... is important in realizing yourself as a poet.

Of course, this is all just my opinion... good luck with everything, Chloey.

Parasite

Learn to place poetry before people
Before you place your poetry before the people.
~Andrey Kneller

Marshalzu

Member Elite

since 2001-02-15

Posts 2681
Lurking

2 posted 2002-10-10 10:11 AM

I like the simplicity of this peice sometimes it's easy to use large words but in peices like this you can get away with using smaller, simpler words. Thanks for sharing

Andrew

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