1A teen w/ prolems - pipTalk Forums

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Teen Poetry #6

1A teen w/ prolems

Chloey
Member

since 2002-09-29

Posts 74
in a silver mustang convertible

0 posted 2002-10-01 07:30 AM

If you were my friend
you wouldnt be so mean
everytime i talk to you
you put up a screen

If you were my friend
you wouldnt use me
when i try and help
you abuse me

if you were my friend
you'd be there for me
instead of always
you ignoring me

If you were my friend
you'd be there till the end
This kinda like if you were my friendif you were my friend was a remake of this

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

1 posted 2002-10-01 09:30 AM

Hey Chloey.

  Great to see more of you in here.

What you've done with this poem is a rather common theme among teen poets, I find... you use an opening line and explore different possible extensions of it in several stanzas.  It gets difficult with this kind of poem, though, to keep it from being redundant.

You might consider, instead of repeating the line, simply rephrasing it slightly at the start of each stanza.

Another thing I think you should try is spending more time on your rhymes... or like Riley said in another thread, maybe just go without rhymes for a while.  It can be a better way to get in touch with your poetic self.

I think this poem has a lot of potential to be very good, as do you.  Keep writing, Chloey.