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Xeonox

Senior Member

since 2000-04-01

Posts 1764
CA, USA

0 posted 2002-09-25 01:58 AM

Relic life I live,
To be swayed by myths,
Reality a bore-
Fantasy I adore,

You finished reading,
Now tell me the story,
How life is as you know-
A feeding frenzy
Of choices and wants,

Creating inner peace,
Providing a crease,
In life’s, perfect piece,

Details left alone-
Time spans so short,
Who will be abort?
Planning has occurred,
Now the reminiscent begins,

Shall we try once-
Again?
For answers
To questions-
To answers
Back and forth,
Extruding amongst-
Ourselves,
Salvaging sanity-
In a droplet of perfection.

Ronil (A mask for everyday. Imagine a life without them.)

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

1 posted 2002-09-25 11:22 AM

I absolutely love your critique message! It makes me feel a craving to pick your poem apart rationally/logically.

I totally agree with your critique message! I hate when people can't back up what they say, or say something like "I dunno, something about that didn't work for me." Sucks, doesn't it?

Anyways, here I go with the poem...

quote:
Relic life I live,
To be swayed by myths,
Reality a bore-
Fantasy I adore,

I like this opening, it's rather strong. "Relic life I live" has that tiny hint of alliteration in it that makes it really sound good.

quote:
In life’s, perfect piece,

Why the first comma? Is there a reason for it that I'm missing? It doesn't work gramatically, but you might be using it poetically somehow. I tend to miss these things. Enlighten me?

quote:
Who will be abort?

Ewww... you have to figure this out. Do you want to say "who will be aborted?" Try rephrasing it. "Who will (pronoun) abort" will likely work, but you will have to attribute the action of the verb to a definite party, which is what you might not like. The most general word I can think of is "we."

I liked the rest of this, though. The closing is quite effective. "Droplet of perfection" is a good way of minimalizing the concept of perfection, making it seem scarce and fragile, yet precious.

Well done.

Parasite

Learn to place poetry before people
Before you place your poetry before the people.
~Andrey Kneller

quietlydying

Senior Member

since 2001-06-10

Posts 935
the wonderful land of oz

2 posted 2002-10-13 02:08 AM

i had to check out what brian was saying.

i did enjoy this, but i felt that maybe you could add some periods in there, or something to that effect.

since the entire thing was just one sentence, it seemed to go on and on, without giving the reader a chance to stop and reflect. i mean, the stanza's helped, but not enough. you need to start with the basics.

and i loved the first stanza:

quote:

Relic life I live,
To be swayed by myths,
Reality a bore-
Fantasy I adore,

nicely done.

but i do agree with lp about the 'abort' issue. it does need to be fixed up, but i don't feel like going into it again since he already did.

/jen/

i just haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister.

[the closest thing i've found to heaven is sitting here talking to you.bif naked]

Skyfire

Member Elite

since 2000-12-27

Posts 3381
Riding

3 posted 2002-10-13 04:01 PM

I can't back it up with rational or logical evidence, cause I'm still a quarter asleep, but I will say that I like it, and I always enjoy reading your work

Riley

Senior Member

since 2002-07-18

Posts 1038
in the pouring rain

4 posted 2002-10-13 04:31 PM

* looks up * i agree w/ parasite way up there!!!!

Yea....great job!

thankies for the read

Ri

~* Love humiliates you, hatered cradles you-White Olender *~

[This message has been edited by Riley (10-13-2002 04:32 PM).]

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

5 posted 2002-10-13 07:09 PM

I liked the poem, but I thought that the last stanza was a bit different, and a lot better than the rest of the poem....

"Shall we try once-
Again?
For answers
To questions-
To answers
Back and forth,
Extruding amongst-
Ourselves,
Salvaging sanity-
In a droplet of perfection."

No rhyme.....just there....accept it or reject it....but it was there in its own right, existing. I felt that the last stanza had a lot more power than the stanza's before. My logical evidence, for me the rhyme hindered what you were truly trying to say. The last stanza brought out your pure thoughts. Somehow I felt you were thinking "ok this is the last part of the poem, it has to kick some butt....here i go", and you did...

maybe I'm crazy (I am), or whatever....but there you go pal....

looking forward to more.

This post has been brought to you by the 'Totally Awesome Society of Puerto Rican Egotistical Sexy Men'.

[This message has been edited by Dopey Dope (10-13-2002 07:10 PM).]

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