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Teen Poetry #6
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[[[coward]]]
| Teen Poetry #6 |
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[[[coward]]] |
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quietlydying
since 2001-06-10
Posts 935the wonderful land of oz 
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i know, i haven't been on much in the last while, but i also haven't written anything new since i was last here [omit a lame song i wrote the other day - maybe i'll post it later]. please give me as much criticism as you can. it's just been so hard to write lately, so i'm hoping if i get more encouragement and criticism it might help. thanks. And although I am now a full breasted, wide eyed woman [with short hair], I still quiver and cringe and hide my eyes underneath the frayed hem of insecurity and wisdom. The Voices are ringing and rising through the halls and down the stairs - playing songs in keys I know all too well but my lips refuse to sing. Nature's goodies go up in smoke and swirling and burning into my lungs as I scold myself once again because I'm getting too old for this kind of thing. Racing and dancing and prancing it goes, heart is up twelve beats or so. And I still don't know why to this day I let it seep in, through my ferocious armor made of sharpened stainless steel and super-absorbent paper towel. I'm another year older and just as weak. /jen/ so foul and fair a day i have not seen. - macbeth act 1, scene 3 [This message has been edited by quietlydying (09-25-2002 06:24 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 jennifer elizabeth - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Dark Enchantress Senior Member
since 1999-07-27
Posts 1258meet Morgana |
Oh... you emailed me? You must have my other address. Do you? Hum diddy dum. The one I check is phoenixrose@comcast.net. I'm going to have to get back to this. I don't want to cop a cheap feel. You know? Those ol' hookies just don't run as well. So I'll be back. I just wanted to pop in and say hello. Hello. - Jaime "you don't need one of these to let me inside of you" T.A. |
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anonymousfemale Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797Limbo |
hey m'dear  First of all there are some very strong lines in here that rip you from a sugar coated dream and place you in a reality all too well known from this side of the fence. Lines like this, quote: and this, quote: really stand out and make a diference to the piece overall, y'know? I know you know.  I actually can't spot any place in this that requires improvement. To alter any lines would throw out the balance you've got running through it. The ending ties in neatly with the opening. You're describing your physical attributes initially and closing with the internal. They're on even par with eachother. It's a damn good write, Jen. Be proud of this. *click* for der library. *muah* love ya! Me "No wonder I do not make people comfortable. I am a mirror. I have far too many things to say." - Mouthing the Words |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
I have to agree with AF on pretty much everything she said. You composed this extremely well and I don't see much room for improvement. One thing I particularily enjoyed was the mention of musical notes. I don't know, I thought that was really cool. Just thought I'd share with you the lame workings of my brain...  See you around, Parasite Learn to place poetry before people |
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Masked Intruder
Moderator
Senior Member
since 1999-05-23
Posts 1231Near golden sunsets |
check your email |
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Dark Enchantress Senior Member
since 1999-07-27
Posts 1258meet Morgana |
I thought I'd go back and tell you what I liked best, but I really couldn't. You're still one of my favourite poets around here. Bordering on someone whose voice I am jealous of. I'll probably email you tomorrow. Tonight is really busy. I shouldn't even be online right now. "you don't need one of these to let me inside of you" T.A. |
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