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Pool of Thought
| Teen Poetry #6 |
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Pool of Thought |
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PoetryIsLife 
since 2001-10-27
Posts 1763...in my boxers... 
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Covered in the weighty, seething liquid of my mind. Carrying the burden of the many mental paths I travel. It's sticky, sticky, sticky... can I never be free? Is this my rightful course? I lay awake at night, my thoughts my blanket, my mind my lover, my mind my tormentor. No one hears the screams, no one sees the pain. I carry the weight. I wear the blood of my thoughts. The life of my mind my second skin. I continue to do so, and I will always, for my mentality demands it. Night after night, I will rest in this pool of thought. [This message has been edited by PoetryIsLife (09-25-2002 07:47 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 Daniel Redding - All Rights Reserved | |||
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PoetryIsLife
since 2001-10-27
Posts 1763...in my boxers... |
Unusual, I know. It works though (for me, anyway.) I wanted this one centered though.... anyone remember the HTML code to center it?  Sincerely, Titus "My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems." |
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Dark Enchantress Senior Member
since 1999-07-27
Posts 1258meet Morgana |
I want a picture. Please. I'm only hard on you because you're you. "you don't need one of these to let me inside of you" T.A. |
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Jenn Cirrincione
since 2000-07-02
Posts 2107Fl |
Just change "left" to centered on the screen when you edit. I liked this, it's unique. Jenn Why is it that we are at our most ingenius only when trying to destroy the things that keep us alive and thriving? |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
(for the description below, keep in mind that doing a paragraph break would be left carat, p, right carat) left carat, center, right carat Body of text left carat, /, center, right carat quote: Wordy start, and seething and boiling are very similar. Perhaps? Covered in the weighty, seething liquid of my mind. (with description like that, adding "troubled" is overkill) Line break. quote: Caring or carrying? quote: I love how strange the repetition of sticky feels. Like overcooked spaghetti. Definitely keep it. Line break. quote: I just have to say, my mind my lover/ my mind my tormentor ALONE makes this poem worth it. Those are amazing lines. Line break, if y' want, though tormentor is so strong, it might not need to be set apart from another stanza. quote: Powerful ideas here. To make it more powerful, put a period after weight. The rest can stay as is. quote: I like how rest is equated to drowning (soundlessly). Forever and a day is cliche, so I'd advise excising/changing it. I really enjoyed this poem, Titus. Thanks for the heads up to its existence. Mike [This message has been edited by bsquirrel (09-25-2002 01:06 AM).] |
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Krishankins
since 2002-06-23
Posts 972Texas |
Well Titus, Mike seems to have broken this one down to parade rest already! I'd be crazy to say that this piece is anything but wonderful. I love the lines "my mind my lover, my mind my tormentor". It is SO realistic, as in life, they are often one and the same. "I wear the blood of my thoughts, the life of my mind -- my second skin" Another powerful line! This piece is packed full of amazing imagry, and emotion. At the same time, though, it reminds me of a dream where the dreamer is screaming, and no one in the room can hear them. This particular aspect is full of loneliness in itself. Like Mike, I thank you for the heads up. I would have hated to miss out on such a wonderful read!!  Kris Hey dog, did you see the size of that chicken!? |
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PoetryIsLife
since 2001-10-27
Posts 1763...in my boxers... |
Thank you all. Sincerely, Titus "My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems." |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
Yes! Now that's what I'm talkin' about! |
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Marshalzu
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking |
This is a most intriguing read, thank you for sharing it I really enjoyed the experience Andrew If your reading this signature I have replied to your poem, please repay the compliment :) |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
Nice critique message.  I did like a lot of this, but I'd have to mention that I think you should be more wary of cliches. They can harm the quality of your poem in many ways. Something to keep in mind for when you write in the future. Otherwise, good write. Parasite Learn to place poetry before people |
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Nazera29 Junior Member
since 2002-08-14
Posts 34Connecticut |
well this poem made me queasy, so job well done... i really think that the poem came across as you intended, i felt that stickiness you were talking about, and the heaviness of your "blanket". good job! Jess *We are the hero in our own story* [This message has been edited by Nazera29 (09-30-2002 05:14 PM).] |
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PoetryIsLife
since 2001-10-27
Posts 1763...in my boxers... |
Muchias Gracias, amigos.~Titus "My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems." |
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