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Kevin

Senior Member

since 1999-11-02

Posts 729
Torrington, Ct, Usa

0 posted 2002-09-23 06:33 AM

“Sure is,” he offered to the twenty three year old grad behind the bar,
and his declaration that it was indeed a cold one.
He shook January to the floor,
and trusted his coat to the others,
soaking in the discouraging familiarity of walls and faces.
It was all so drowsy underneath the fishbowl lighting,
as he mounted the far end stool.
“One for my friend there too,” he snickered,
grabbing for the drink already seated before him,
and nodding to the deep-sea diver in the corner.
The kid courteously smiled to the line as reliable as the man who offered it,
and tossed back a question.

“How’d this one treat ya’ buddy?”

The man paused and peered out through the clouded windows at the fast collecting snow
Then turned and confessed to his glass:

“Same old’ kid, Same old.”

I'm on my feet, I'm on the floor, I'm good to go
All I need is just to hear a song I know

AngelShell
Member

since 2000-03-01

Posts 446
not heaven nor hell so...

1 posted 2002-09-23 07:11 AM

Wow, this one is amazing, it almost reads like a story.
The line 'He shook January to the floor' was fantastic (I have to admit I had to read it a few times, living in the Southern Hemisphere and all, there was one point when I was thinking 'what the hell is he going on about...').
I also liked the last line, it was provoking and open without being too vague.

One Criticism, the line length at times varied a little too much, throwing off the feel slightly, but not overly distractingly.

Congrats.

Michelle.

~I haven't memorized all of the cute things to say but I'm working on it~

anya
Member

since 2002-07-27

Posts 393
London, UK

2 posted 2002-09-23 08:21 AM

A very unusual and interesting piece Kevin,
it is so very atmospheric, you created an extremly vivid scene here, well done

Anya

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

3 posted 2002-09-23 09:23 AM

Your poetry has really seemed a bit different lately, Kevin.  Or is it just me?  Seems like you've been more into the narrative lately.

This poem is very good.  I too liked the descriptions and events.  The setting you created is something I'm very fond of, an old bar scene, almost westernish.

The line that stuck out for me was "soaking in the discouraging familiarity of walls and faces."  Perfect!

Impressed with this one, Kevin.

Parasite

Learn to place poetry before people
Before you place your poetry before the people.
~Andrey Kneller

devinechild22
Senior Member

since 2002-08-28

Posts 571

4 posted 2002-09-23 10:49 PM

i pretty much agree with everything that parasite said. i think that this poem is one of your very best altho your poems are mostly all amazing. i don`t think i`ve ever read one i didnt like now that i think about it. anyway...great write! i still love u. lol. j/j

cherish
Senior Member

since 2001-03-25

Posts 1639
swimming in fairy floss...........

5 posted 2002-09-24 03:28 AM

Very well thought out Kev. You did good on this poem. Loved the narrative style and I think Angelshel said it when she picked out her favourite line. I loved the imagery you used, it set the scene quite well. This is the best I've read from you so far. Keep up with the style.

Are you scared? BOO! Are you now?

quietlydying

Senior Member

since 2001-06-10

Posts 935
the wonderful land of oz

6 posted 2002-10-13 02:17 AM

oh this one is good.

this one is very good.

as has been said before, i thoroughly enjoyed the narrative tone to this piece.

you know what? it almost reminds me of the opening scene of 'the apprenticeship of duddy kravitz'.

i'm not sure if anyone around here knows mordecai richler, but yeah.

well done ol' chap.
well done.

::big cheesy grin::

/jen/

i just haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister.

[the closest thing i've found to heaven is sitting here talking to you.bif naked]

Skyfire

Member Elite

since 2000-12-27

Posts 3381
Riding

7 posted 2002-10-13 04:08 PM

I love it. Plain and simple, I love it .

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

8 posted 2002-10-13 07:04 PM

VERY VERY well done Kevin. This one impressed the very teeth in my mouth. They are grinding away at the beauty of this narrative poem. I loved every bit of it. Every single word of it complimented the other. Very nice imagery, and a great last line. I felt like I was at this apathetic bar, just letting my cares burn away into the January frost. If my girlfriend ever cheated on me, or my wife ever left me- this is the bar I'd like to go to.

This post has been brought to you by the 'Totally Awesome Society of Puerto Rican Egotistical Sexy Men'.

quietlydying

Senior Member

since 2001-06-10

Posts 935
the wonderful land of oz

9 posted 2002-10-13 09:01 PM

i just had to read it again.

/jen/

i just haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister.

[the closest thing i've found to heaven is sitting here talking to you.bif naked]

quietlydying

Senior Member

since 2001-06-10

Posts 935
the wonderful land of oz

10 posted 2002-10-13 09:02 PM

just had to read it again.

/jen/

i just haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister.

[the closest thing i've found to heaven is sitting here talking to you.bif naked]

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

11 posted 2002-10-13 09:05 PM

and again!

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