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Teen Poetry #6
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Christmas Card
| Teen Poetry #6 |
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Christmas Card |
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anonymousfemale Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797Limbo |
The silence came begging through Obscurity two and twenty days ago. The longing dashed the meaning, The reverie demolished the optimism. Long standing… Abused under the eyes Of your god. The one hiding beneath the White sheets whispering BooOooOo… ‘Merry Christmas’ read the green And gold card in the September breeze, Naturally ensnaring your hazy wish. Every lie wept silver blood In beads thicker than paint. You’re the publisher The writer The meticulous antagonist Wound up in a ball of string And sent off to Russia With love of course. The southern drawl you protected Behind the typhoon of misery Led the soldiers away. They leapt into the ocean And drowned amid your sense And the purple ashtray with floral trim. The hand painted grandeur In Tibetan ennui. -------------------------- Something after a very long time. Pick away.  ~AF~ "No wonder I do not make people comfortable. I am a mirror. I have far too many things to say." - Mouthing the Words |
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| © Copyright 2002 Elizabeth Johnson - All Rights Reserved | |||
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devinechild22 Senior Member
since 2002-08-28
Posts 571 |
good poem. good poem. |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
I believe she said, "pick away." A couple of "good poems" isn't going to satisfy this girl, trust me.  First, let me go grab my dictionary.  OK, got it. quote: I don't like "two and twenty days ago." I can't find any word for that other than, wordy... trim it up a tad, it will be easier on the eyes. Or at least find a less used way of saying it. quote: I like what you did in the first two lines, noun verbed the noun, that was neat to read twice in succession, and to draw relations between. The ellipsis after "long standing" gives a good pause to accompany that statement, before the final two lines. No critiques for that little chunk up there. The following couplet seems... how do I say? Well, to be blunt (as I know you love), it seems pointless. If you are willing to explain to me the meaning of it (other than to disrupt the seriousness of the tone), then please do enlighten me. quote: Ooh... pretty colours. I think this is the most effective visual technique you've set forth in the poem, simply because you give the reader some colours to illustrate for them the christmas card. "September breeze" also did a lot for me, just those two words alone gave me the picture of you standing outside, holding the card and squinting at it on a sunny September day, your hair blowing in the breeze, etc... quote: I might be stupid but... why Russia? Just a general term for someplace far away? Am I missing something (probably)?  quote: Hah! Harsh... quote: This is an extremely strong closing stanza. Every line is a perfect contribution to the intended message. Beautifully written, AF. Parasite Learn to place poetry before people |
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Jenn Cirrincione
since 2000-07-02
Posts 2107Fl |
Okay, my stupidity lies in the last line. Tibetan ennui? Hmmm? Splain yourself Lizzy. I'm not inclined to pick this apart as he did... But I did think this poem was very descriptive, and very well written. An outstanding return to the world of PIP. and I loved it. Jenn Why is it that we are at our most ingenius only when trying to destroy the things that keep us alive and thriving? |
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LadyDracaWolf Member
since 2002-09-19
Posts 73CA |
This poem instantly brought up the issue of the first amendment. Are we really allowed to shove our religion into ppl's face's in the hope that they'll convert? Is this really a free thinking but orthodox country? Perhaps it will remain unanswered. This poem ranks among the few to be one of the thought provoking poems which will be stuck in my little head for a long time. Keep writing! Death is not extinguishing the light; |
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cherish Senior Member
since 2001-03-25
Posts 1639swimming in fairy floss........... |
For once, I have NO freaking idea what in the blazes you're on about! I'd love to do a bit of ripping, but all I can manage is a small fart of a critique, cuz, really, I'm going to need and explaination. To get a feel for what I mean, I thought that: "The one hiding beneath the White sheets whispering BooOooOo…" was ME!  Ok, ok, I know it wasn't a reference to me, but hey, they're the only lines I could draw. I know I bombarded you with christmas cards (defaced of course) so are you saying you're going to send me to Tibet? Or is this about my brother?!  You know I'm being lame, so I'm going to keep a watch out for this and come back when youre ready to bring me my mental catharsis of a poetic lifetime. Till then, my brain rots in peace. (luff ya chickita *mwa*) Are you scared? BOO! Are you now? |
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quietlydying
since 2001-06-10
Posts 935the wonderful land of oz |
i'm way too tired to rip it up doll, but i want you to know that i hate you. if i could have even one ounce of your talent - i would die a happy woman. keep writing - your words would amaze old bill himself. love ya lots. /jen/ so foul and fair a day i have not seen. - macbeth act 1, scene 3 |
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Marshalzu
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking |
Ooh I like very much, I have no idea what it all means but I enjoyed reading so much *prods you* you should post more of your work for us too see as your such an excellent poet and your work is such a pleasure to read Andrew |
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anonymousfemale Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797Limbo |
Thank ya muchly everyone that replied. I understand that the piece was a little hard to decipher so sorry if it went over everyones heads.  I'll try to explain it as best as I can now. The silence came begging through Obscurity two and twenty days ago. The longing dashed the meaning, The reverie demolished the optimism. This basically means that pretty much everything stopped 22 days from the original date of writing this. It would make it August for me - essentially all hell broke loose on this night in particular. The longing etc etc is pretty straight forward. Everything turned to crap. Long standing… Abused under the eyes Of your god. The one hiding beneath the White sheets whispering BooOooOo… It's obviously a mockery of someone in a supposed higher authority than myself. They are a victim of a religion yet do nothing but deface the boundaries of it. I'm pretty much saying here that their "god" isn't that great because they can't honour them in the right fashion. It ties in with the events of August. I was an "evil" person. Whew...that's a lot to get out of 5 lines.  ‘Merry Christmas’ read the green And gold card in the September breeze, Naturally ensnaring your hazy wish. Every lie wept silver blood In beads thicker than paint. This part ties in the two months, september and august. The silver blood is something I actually can't go into here because, well, I'll be banned again so yeah, use your imagination. Christmas is meant to be a time of unity and peace - the lies associated with August were exercised in Septembers longing for an eternal break with the memory of a perfect christmas. You’re the publisher The writer The meticulous antagonist Wound up in a ball of string And sent off to Russia The publisher is in reference to my ability to display certain aspects of myself to the world in an edited format, the writer is the story teller part, the antagonist being the darker part of myself. The Russian part is a quiet joke with my friend and myself. She's Russian and we always say we'll send the parts of ourselves that we despise back to her homeland to feel the wrath of the true Vodka. Being wound up is me being tied together with sections of myself and sent off to a land I know nothing of to die. With love of course. Sarcasm is intended as is the harshness. There isn't an ability for love and as such fits perfectly. The southern drawl you protected Behind the typhoon of misery Led the soldiers away. The final stanza talks of my alter ego hidden in the earliness of September. Pick a personality and I'll give you the accent. This particular one has a southern drawl and is pretty much the eye of the storm. The soldiers are my strength that eventually gave up. They leapt into the ocean And drowned amid your sense And the purple ashtray with floral trim. The drowning and ocean are the finality in a metaphorical sense. Think about that for a moment...The ashtray is in reference to yes, an actual ashtray, yet also the section of myself that I managed to preserve with the haze of smoke otherwise known as my sanity. Most of it "drowned", ok? The hand painted grandeur In Tibetan ennui. Once again another mockery. Grandeur cannot be created in my opinion. As such, it's the ultimate finality to the two months that were created through not only a lack of understanding but a twisted sense of boredom. I hope that helped. It's a very confusing piece that was a pain in the ass to write. Hopefully this helps. ~AF~ "It is far more difficult to murder a phantom than a reality." - Virginia Woolf |
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Child of the Stars
since 2000-09-07
Posts 1658Ann Arbor, MI |
I definitely appreciate this thing more now that I know what it all means...thanks for the explanation Widabeff. I'm slippin' this into mah library for safe keeping, and a reminder..of something..yeah...anyways. Hope to see more of you.~Carly "My own eyes are not enough for me; I will see through a thousand and yet remain myself..." |
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quietlydying
since 2001-06-10
Posts 935the wonderful land of oz |
 it deserves it. this piece is friggin awesome. /jen/ what if they gave a war, and nobody came... |
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cherish Senior Member
since 2001-03-25
Posts 1639swimming in fairy floss........... |
quote: Haha..you just discribed mums husband...you and I Lizzy, are both evil!  *mwahahaha*The explanation made a whole lot of sense to something which perviously, I could only wonder about. Keep going Cinders... Are you scared? |
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quietlydying
since 2001-06-10
Posts 935the wonderful land of oz |
but i'm evil too!!  i feel so left out. oh i always do.  /jen/ what if they gave a war, and nobody came... |
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cherish Senior Member
since 2001-03-25
Posts 1639swimming in fairy floss........... |
...Ok Jen, call my house sometime and tell the world you're out to corrupt me...then you'd be evil Are you scared? |
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anonymousfemale Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797Limbo |
Been there, done that. Consider yourself added to the hitlist. |
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BOO! Are you now?