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Allysa

Senior Member

since 1999-11-09

Posts 1952
In an upside-down garden

0 posted 2002-09-20 11:28 AM

Sitting on California
painted orange on a map
on the black top
Nevada's not that far away
from me
as you wrap your arms around me

we laugh and act like children
playing on the playground
like overgrown five year olds
in overalls

Tunnel slide and fears condense
Thunder and lightening surrounding
I crawl inside and hide
you coax me out

Raindrops clinging to your face
you should have gone home
and left me here
but you stayed.

"You're the center of adrenaline And I'm beginning to understand You could be the best thing about me." -SG

LadyDracaWolf
Member

since 2002-09-19

Posts 73
CA

1 posted 2002-09-20 12:44 PM

It's good to have some one or thing to cling to, especially in times of change. I've been the rock that my friends cling to and they've been the rock for me.

Death is not extinguishing the light;
it is putting out the lamp
because the dawn has come.

Rabindranath Tagore
Poet, Philosopher, Nobel Laurea

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

2 posted 2002-09-20 02:23 PM

I like the ending. Other than that, I have to admit the last line of the first stanza didn't seem to feel right to me... I wouldn't say "as." I'd make it an entirely new statement, "you wrap your arms around me." It might make it seem more significant if it stood alone.

If this isn't your intent, then simply brush me off.

I'm just a peanut gallery, after all.

Nicely written once again, Alyssa. I see a connective theme with this poem and the other one that you posted. Hope you're enjoying yourself.

Parasite

Learn to place poetry before people
Before you place your poetry before the people.
~Andrey Kneller

Kielo
Senior Member

since 2002-02-11

Posts 1109

3 posted 2002-09-21 05:30 PM

I really like the images of two big kids acting like little kids.

It has a childlike quality, yet, at the same time, there is also an older, more mature side to the poem. I like!

Kielo

Allysa

Senior Member

since 1999-11-09

Posts 1952
In an upside-down garden

4 posted 2002-09-23 12:47 PM

Parasite- I agree. I tried to change it but then that whole "24 hrs after the post" thing popped up. ARG
*ANY MODERATORS, FEEL FREE TO DELETE THE AS*

Thank you all.....
More later..

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