The first girl i ever asked out

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Teen Poetry #6

The first girl i ever asked out

ShadyMakaveli
Member

since 2002-08-21

Posts 128

0 posted 2002-09-15 03:42 PM

I guess it was fate
That day in grade eight
I called, asked you out on a date
Your answer i await, you contemplate
Suprised at your reply
Filled with utter happiness, i could cry
A moment in time, i won't forget
Shouldn't have got my hopes up yet
As the worst part was to come
Backfired, left feeling dumb
Embarrassed and the laughing stock
All happiness overcome with shock
My world shattered, nothing else mattered
Heart ripped out, feeling bruised and battered
Lost all confidence and pride
Permanently scarred inside
Years have passed by
That day almost brings tears to my eye
Can't let go, til i know
An explanation i feel you owe
to put my mind at ease
So when i ask, tell me please

Spine Grinder
Senior Member

since 2000-10-28

Posts 1127
Standing In Silence...

1 posted 2002-09-15 08:06 PM

hey i liked this! it sounds sad...but we've all gone through it..i know i have. but yeah, i liked this, good job!

~Ur feelings never change, u just learn 2 hide them~

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

2 posted 2002-09-16 12:48 PM

You have a lot of grace with rhyming, as I've seen from you so far. I hate to admit that I felt your lines were a bit unevenly sized... you could have put more effort into making them a bit more similar in length, to add to the flow.

Just a suggestion, I'll understand if you reject it.

Parasite

Learn to place poetry before people
Before you place your poetry before the people.
~Andrey Kneller

ShadyMakaveli
Member

since 2002-08-21

Posts 128

3 posted 2002-09-16 01:53 PM

thank you both for responding, parasite i am considering what u said about similar lenghts of lines, i didn't put much effort into this, it just flows out on to paper, most of my poems take 10 minutes tops to write, this one took me about 5, i have so much that i wanna write about, i have a hard time slowing myself down to actually put the effort into my work, but i feel as if it's not a huge importance right now, cause these aren't final copies they can always be revised, and with more effort put into them

. Thanx again for repsonding, i appreciate it.

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