»
Archives
»
Teen Poetry #6
»
untitled
| Teen Poetry #6 |
|
untitled |
|
|
Kielo Senior Member
since 2002-02-11
Posts 1109 |
she cries mourning a broken heart Used, abused, she is worn, torn, shattered. She stands alone. Afraid of rejection, of the pain it brings. Afraid of being accepted, used, and thrown away. and i cry mourning a broken heart . . I'm not sure how well I like this one. I think my muse is still on vacation. Kielo I LOVE YOU! *kisses you* hehehe... |
||
| © Copyright 2002 Jeremiah Leonard - All Rights Reserved | |||
Larry C
since 2001-09-10
Posts 10286United States |
Kielo, Well it is sad. But well expressed. Good job.  If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again. |
||
PoetryIsLife
since 2001-10-27
Posts 1763...in my boxers... |
I like how you tie the beginning in with the end, parallel those two stanzas. The abrupt, short and sweet (perhaps sad, not sweet) lines that you use in the middle stanza add a nice flavor to this piece. Sort of like a shot of expresso. Bam! It's down, gives you a buzz and an enjoyed drink. It's tehre and then it's gone. That said, the middle, though, might use a bit more.... a little bit more coffee, perhaps? As it stands alone, though, it's good. I enjoyed it.  Sincerely, Titus "I'll prepare myself, and one day my time will come." |
||
Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
Well, your muse will come back if you beat it enough. Things like this little tidbit are good installations to that process.  This isn't a bad poem at all, but the subject matter is a bit... well... used. You might become a bit more specific and have a lot more to write about. Sometimes when I have writer's block, I try to specify my bad ideas. They can become good ideas. Example - Take the subject "love." Don't write about it! Specify it. Love between a man and a woman. Sure, very Disney of you. Specify even more. Love between a man and a woman he can't have. Why can't he have her? Once you're done, just let your writing take you away. Parasite Learn to place poetry before people |
||
|
Kielo Senior Member
since 2002-02-11
Posts 1109 |
Ok, thanks. Those all sound like good suggestions. I try to avoid writing about love for two reasons... One, I think its overdone, and two, I don't particularly enjoy the thought of falling in love at the moment. I'm rather disenchanted with most males. Be that as it may, I am thankful for the helpful responses!  Kielo |
||
|
Skyfire
since 2000-12-27
Posts 3381Riding |
"Used, abused, she is worn, torn, shattered." I really like this part. It may be classic rhyming, but it works for me. "She stands alone. Afraid of rejection, of the pain it brings. Afraid of being accepted, used, and thrown away. This part is okay too, but it kind of threw me when you went from rhyming to not rhyming. I don't know if the rhyming was unintentional, but if it was deliberate, next time you could try dividing it into two stanzas; one that rhymes and one that doesn't. It just really threw me when I was really starting to get into the rythm, and it disappeared. I hope my suggestions didn't come off as cowish, and that's all they are: suggestions. In the end it's your poem to do with what you wish |
||
|
Kielo Senior Member
since 2002-02-11
Posts 1109 |
*hits head* I didn't notice the rhyme... I used to check my poems for unintentional rhyme, but I stopped after a while. *sighs* I'll have to fix that somehow... |
||
|
vlraynes Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-25
Posts 8229Somewhere... out there... |
Kielo~ Well, rhyme scheme or no rhyme scheme or a mixture of both...doesn't matter to me. I like it! I have to echo Titus. I really enjoyed how you brought it full circle. Very nicely penned. ~Vicky "...until you have read the verse on his heart, |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
