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Nazera29
Junior Member

since 2002-08-14

Posts 34
Connecticut

0 posted 2002-09-12 06:38 PM

The song I sing is coming to an end
And I can look in the mirror and count the cracks on one hand
(as I mouth the words to my reflection)
The pictures of love and life and loss ring loudly
I can remember the symphony
As clearly as the radio and records that defined my days
(but you I can’t let go)
The sound of our heartstrings and the clash of symbols and pain
Is the love of my life, the song I ache to hear
And as the moss grows over my beating heart
I sing it one last time before my lips close
(and I kept my promise, I still love you)
And my last breath rings in the air
The end to our love song.

this was kind of inspired by Emily Dickinson and other older poets, like Edna St. Vincent Millay... its a new type of poetry for me, so please let me know what you think

*We are the hero in our own story*

Skyfire

Member Elite

since 2000-12-27

Posts 3381
Riding

1 posted 2002-09-12 09:14 PM

Ooh, man! Ouch! Awesome ideas in here, although I don't care much for the topic (of love; just a quirk). I think you did pretty well on this one

Am I going to get to read more?

The best way to ruin a romantic moment is to say something about ingrown toenails.

LyricFetish
Senior Member

since 2000-01-13

Posts 528
North Carolina

2 posted 2002-09-12 09:54 PM

Beautiful! I don't know what else to say, except that this was very well-written. The comparison was perfect.

*~Meredith~*

"Before you slip into unconsciousness,
I'd like to have another kiss..."
*The Doors

Dark Enchantress
Senior Member

since 1999-07-27

Posts 1258
meet Morgana

3 posted 2002-09-13 04:14 PM

Personally I felt that it was beautiful. Even though it's a new style for you, it worked out well.

"you don't need one of these to let me inside of you" T.A.

vlraynes
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-25

Posts 8229
Somewhere... out there...

4 posted 2002-09-26 06:37 PM

Nazera29-
I have to agree...this is beautifully done.
I truly enjoyed reading it.
~Vicky

"...until you have read the verse on his heart,
you have not truly met the poet.
~vlraynes

Nazera29
Junior Member

since 2002-08-14

Posts 34
Connecticut

5 posted 2002-09-26 10:04 PM

thanks everyone, i love getting feedback

it really helps me improve the bad parts, or even better leave it alone if its alright! thanks again, jess

*We are the hero in our own story*

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

6 posted 2002-09-30 01:56 AM

I can see how the mentioned poets influenced you. There's a lot of classical tone in this poem. I particularily liked the opening few lines.

Maybe you could spice up the ending a bit, but otherwise, I was rather impressed with this. Good work.

Parasite

Learn to place poetry before people
Before you place your poetry before the people.
~Andrey Kneller

Child of the Stars

Senior Member

since 2000-09-07

Posts 1658
Ann Arbor, MI

7 posted 2002-09-30 03:24 PM

I worship Emily.

I too can see the influence, but it's really your own style... I loved these lines:

I can remember the symphony
As clearly as the radio and records that defined my days
(but you I can’t let go)

Kudos for trying something new, and who knows, maybe you'll end up sticking with it.

~Carly

"My own eyes are not enough for me; I will see through a thousand and yet remain myself..."
~C.S. Lewis

[This message has been edited by Child of the Stars (09-30-2002 03:25 PM).]

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