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Master
Senior Member

since 1999-08-18

Posts 1867
Boston, MA

0 posted 2002-10-11 03:39 AM

All of you who’ve transgressed blindly against the ageless lies -- find me!
With the sickle of my lyrics I’ll tear open your eyes
Till you see though the syllables of bull**** like sibyls
Where the scarecrow of skepticism hangs on the crucifix
While your conscience hovers above like a beautiful angel – Lucifer!
Set me loose now! I’m a loose cannon, losing my cool,
A lone gunman rumbling through the crumbling halls of the school
Education breeds success like truth breeds politics
The streets have swallowed their share of the hollow tips
But I’ve climbed out of the trenches onto the branches of the Tree of Knowledge,
Watching the sheets of the calendars fall down like foliage.
I picked up the rotten apples of my fairest fantasies,
Bit the bitter core of the festering fruit of reality
And couldn’t rinse my mouth from the aftertaste of the fallacy
I stood on my calloused knees, freezing from the church’s stone-cold floors,
Where gold cupolas submerged the homeless and hopeless with hope.
I swallowed the stones that never turned into bread, (how tragic!)
Found the gates, but the smashed Apostle would not let me enter.
On paper wings, I scaled the fence but ended up like the phoenix,
And the passion that spread across my manuscripts so emphatically
Burned the embers of my soul into ashes and I descended, crashing
Face-first into the clouded puddles
Of the cold November.

[This message has been edited by Master (10-11-2002 10:06 PM).]

Crazy Eddie
Member

since 2002-09-14

Posts 178

1 posted 2002-10-11 08:26 AM

I liked this though my first impression was that I thought it was too wordy.

Take this for example:

All of you who’ve transgressed blindly against the ageless lies,--
Find me! With the sickles of my syllables, I tear open your eyes

You could distil it down without losing any meaning, and being succinct generally gives the individual words more impact:

Blind transgressors against the ageless lies –find me!
With sickle syllables to tear your eyes

This is only an example of reduction not a suggested change hopefully it’ll help to explain what I meant by wordy.

Thanks for the chance to read and reply

the_loner_23
Member Ascendant

since 2002-06-08

Posts 5479
Jacksonville, Florida, USA

2 posted 2002-10-11 11:59 AM

I like this poem. Don't listen to Eddie.

Cold hands means a warm heart

Crazy Eddie
Member

since 2002-09-14

Posts 178

3 posted 2002-10-11 04:32 PM

quote:
Don't listen to Eddie

Seems like sound advice to me.

GOlDsparklESS
Member

since 2001-12-13

Posts 428
central nj

4 posted 2002-10-11 05:29 PM

o phat.

Dark Angel
Member Patricius

since 1999-08-04

Posts 10095

5 posted 2002-10-11 06:14 PM

Hi Master, I read this twice and loved the raw feel of it. I agree with crazy eddie though.. perhaps eliminate some words as he suggested just to reduce.. by no means change.

enjoyed.

Maree

regards2you
Member Elite

since 2002-10-01

Posts 3940
California

6 posted 2002-10-11 06:36 PM

I like the unusual. Thanks for sharing this here for it breaks up the "love stuff", etc., though I like those, too.

I liked: "watching sheets of calenders fall down like foilage".

In the beginning of this, Eddy is right, but, the ending seemed to come together very nicely. For me, anyway.

powerful and thought provoking

Warmly,
Pat

..without surrender, be on good terms with all persons..
"Desiderata"

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