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Realms of Nothing

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Radrook
Senior Member
since 08-09-2002
Posts 658


0 posted 10-02-2002 01:44 AM       View Profile for Radrook   Email Radrook   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Radrook

You are gone
and the
solitude I feared visits me.


It seeps relentlessly under the door.
It oozes slowly through its hinges.

It  approaches
slithering silently accross
my bedroom's desolate floor.

I hear its echoed breathing

I smell its metalic breath as it closes the distance.

Steel tentacles reach and coil,
forcing me into
its  cavernous realms of
nothing.

[This message has been edited by Radrook (10-02-2002 01:45 AM).]

© Copyright 2002 Radrook - All Rights Reserved
Marge Tindal
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since 11-06-1999
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Florida's Foreverly Shores


1 posted 10-02-2002 01:10 PM       View Profile for Marge Tindal   Email Marge Tindal   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Marge Tindal's Home Page   View IP for Marge Tindal

Radrook~
If I haven't welcomed you to Passions before this, I apologize~
WELCOME !

This write is just filled with imagery that made me 'feel' I was 'there'~
A pleasurable read this fine afternoon~
*Hugs*
~*Marge*~

~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~
           noles1@totcon.com                       

Seymour Tabin
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since 07-07-99
Posts 32119
Tamarac Fla


2 posted 10-02-2002 01:13 PM       View Profile for Seymour Tabin   Email Seymour Tabin   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Seymour Tabin

Radrook
Well done, enjoyed the read.
Earth Angel
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since 08-27-2002
Posts 40647
Realms of Light


3 posted 10-02-2002 01:14 PM       View Profile for Earth Angel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Earth Angel

Talk about creating an atmosphere! This was superbly done!

~ Smiles to you this fine day! ~

Earth Angel
caterina
Member
since 07-25-2002
Posts 192
Canada


4 posted 10-02-2002 01:25 PM       View Profile for caterina   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for caterina


I keep finding these wonderful poems of yours Rad, this is a great take on silence and you have used line breaks and white space which, I feel, gives it more drama.

Really nice.

caterina
Cpat Hair
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Member Patricius
since 06-05-2001
Posts 12075


5 posted 10-02-2002 01:36 PM       View Profile for Cpat Hair   Email Cpat Hair   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Cpat Hair

Rad, I enjoyed the form and feel.. but in honesty got lost on the ooze and steel.. ( chuckling) perhaps I was expecting the tentacles to be cold and slime covered..the way empty can feel after a night the words that are spoken all come out wrong and you know the things said are like the thing oozing under the door... unstoppable..

Sorry for the ramble... I did truly enjoy... and as you can tell it made me think...
Radrook
Senior Member
since 08-09-2002
Posts 658


6 posted 10-02-2002 01:49 PM       View Profile for Radrook   Email Radrook   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Radrook

Thanks for the feedback.
Yes, it was an attempt at recreating the oppressive atmosphere that inevitably accompanies loneliness. Having been lonely for most of my life helps!  LOL

Thank you all for the encouraging words.
Glad you enjoyed.


Rad, I enjoyed the form and feel.. but in honesty got lost on the ooze and steel.. ( chuckling) perhaps I was expecting the tentacles to be cold and slime covered..the way empty can feel after a night the words that are spoken all come out wrong and you know the things said are like the thing oozing under the door... unstoppable..

Sorry for the ramble... I did truly enjoy... and as you can tell it made me think...


Hi CPT
True, the image painted at the outset is of a thing not akin to steel which cannot ooze through hinges, unless--of course--it is in a molten state.

Suddenly, it sprouts steel tentacles. There SEEMS to be a clash there, a contrast between the initial amorphous image and its partially metallic one--certainly!

I was aware of this when I wrote the poem and seriously considered giving the creature "slimy" tentacles as you suggest. But my purpose was not to create an atmosphere of pure horror. I felt that slimy tentacles tilted the mood in that unwanted direction. So I chose a less frightening alternative. One ore in line with the poem's purpose.  

Also, I realized that slimy tentacles usually do are not attached to realms of nothingness while metal tentacles could very well be attached to some cyborgish entity which can forcefully transports one to a different plane of existence.

So faced with either getting rid of the oozing part and making the thing totally metallic, or making the it totally slimy and realizing that neither alone suited my purpose while both together did, I exercised poetic license this once and left it as was--a creature with the ability to shift shapes, either partially or completely. Thus it sprouted metallic tentacles. Sorry for the distraction though. Glad you brought it to my attention so I could at least provide an explanation.

Thanks for feedback.


BTW
It is also well to keep in  mind that the genre of  surrealistic poetry permits much greater flexibility in imagery.

So the standards which might apply to another genre might not necessarily apply to surrealistic poetry.

[This message has been edited by Radrook (10-02-2002 02:28 PM).]

Enchantress
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since 08-14-2001
Posts 37801
Somewhere in time~


7 posted 10-02-2002 01:54 PM       View Profile for Enchantress   Email Enchantress   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Enchantress

Very very nicely done....
~Hugs~

~ Time has cast a spell on you
  So you won't ever forget me ~

Cpat Hair
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Member Patricius
since 06-05-2001
Posts 12075


8 posted 10-02-2002 02:01 PM       View Profile for Cpat Hair   Email Cpat Hair   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Cpat Hair

Certainly this is not the forum this is usually done... but my thoughts ( by way of edit) Please ignore if they in any way upset or are deemed out of line..it is after all your creation not mine..


You are gone,
and feared
solitude visits me.


seeping relentlessly
under the door
oozing slowly through
hinged spaces

slithering silently
across my bedroom's
desolate floor.

I hear its echoed breathing

smell its metalic breath

as distance is closed
to hope.

reaching tentacles
coil,
forcing me into
cavernous realms of
nothing.

as I feared

you are gone
Radrook
Senior Member
since 08-09-2002
Posts 658


9 posted 10-02-2002 02:42 PM       View Profile for Radrook   Email Radrook   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Radrook

Certainly this is not the forum this is usually done... but my thoughts ( by way of edit) Please ignore if they in any way upset or are deemed out of line..it is after all your creation not mine..


Hi!

Not out of line at all.
Neither am I upset by feedback regardless of its nature.  Every person is indeed entitled to an opinion and this is yours my friend. : )


Yes, you do say almost exactly what I intened. But yet, I do not know exactly why though I do have a good idea, the dark brooding mood, the oppressiveness I wished to convey seems to have vanished or has been weakened severely by the rewrite.

Of course going into extensive analyses as to why this is so is not in harmony with this particular forum's purpose and I certainly do not wish to abuse my privileges nor disrupt the forum's harmony in any way. But thanks for the feedback. It did make me think!


BTW
I do commend you for your efforts at striving to make the surrealistic imagery more rational.

God bless!

[This message has been edited by Radrook (10-02-2002 02:44 PM).]

Cpat Hair
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Member Patricius
since 06-05-2001
Posts 12075


10 posted 10-02-2002 03:40 PM       View Profile for Cpat Hair   Email Cpat Hair   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Cpat Hair

ah yes opinion...like armpits we all have them... ( chuckling) I do not think we will offend anyone with such exchanges, it is just not usually done here. No strictures against it, and if Severn sees this she will be joyous to see a serious discussion take place in this forum about poetry.

if the brooding mood is indeed detracted from then one could change the images and wording slightly to increase the feel as desired. I economized on words and honestly on changes not wanting to insert my own interpretation as much as perhaps ease the flow. Tone of course can be set by line length and pause as well as repeating certain phrases or images... your original poem does a great deal to set the tone using both. If you wanted to strengthen the image or word repeated I think it would work fine..and perhaps by being less concise than I was in conveying the words..in effect using the bit of 'ramble" to set the mood and indicate the brooding repeating nature of the thoughts it would achieve the desired effect.

I have found that reading and writing are acts of interpretaton. What you write, I have to interpret into my own version of language. Anytime I read apoem, I often see it in terms of my own images instead of what the writer actuall wrote and have to slow myself down to comment or actually say whether it is the idea I enjoyed or the way the idea was presented. What I edited was my shortened version of what I interpretted from your poem. Never meant as a slam on an others writing or words....just the way I understand things and in part a compulsive need to restate them in a language closer to the one in my head.
Rocko
Junior Member
since 03-10-2014
Posts 14


11 posted 04-24-2014 02:19 AM       View Profile for Rocko   Email Rocko   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Rocko

Your version is better than mine.
More economical and solves the oozing vs metal problem. I also like its conclusion.
 
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