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Open Poetry #22
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Cpat Hair
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0 posted 2002-09-19 03:00 PM



My hand rested
On the swell of you
Not knowing
If awake
You would have moved away
Or stayed

Midnight is a long ride
From the hours pre-dawn
When I awoke,
Turned and lay my arm
Over your curled up leg
Thinking of how
At one time such a touch
Might have led to more

I turned over
Back now to your front
And lay there listening
To the distant rumble
Of late passing storm
Gracing the panes
With a patter of drops
That covered the sound
of your breathing

Realizing
My touch
Was no longer
Electric

© Copyright 2002 Cpat Hair - All Rights Reserved
Martie
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since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049
California
1 posted 2002-09-19 03:05 PM


Ron

"midnight is a long ride"

yes, it is...a poignant fall into morning. I am touched by this.

nakdthoughts
Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200
Between the Lines
2 posted 2002-09-19 03:06 PM


I remember that exact moment...just  stayed in denial way too long....

Isn't it sad that emotions change...but with a little fine tuning you can be electrified again..as long as  both want it, still

M

Earth Angel
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since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215
Realms of Light
3 posted 2002-09-19 03:07 PM


It may be that there isn't the electricity of a new found love, but the comforting caress of warm and loving hands is timeless.

I was touched by the poignancy of this poem.

~ may your days and nights be filled with the love that you deserve ~

EA

Interloper
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Member Rara Avis
since 2000-11-06
Posts 8369
Deep in the heart
4 posted 2002-09-19 03:09 PM


A grounding piece, Ron.

Fool, said my Muse to me, look in thy heart and write.

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

5 posted 2002-09-19 03:10 PM


This is why I've been sleeping on the couch for the past 12 years.

sigh. Fell asleep hugging a pillow again last night...well, this morning. So obviously, I related.

*chuckle* on a side note? I told my sister that it's very bizarre--each day? I wake up with "Dick Van Dyke"--and every evening? "Jack Nicholson" axes through the door. "HONEY--I'm HOME!" That would be funny if it weren't so on target. Thanks, Ron.

Decaflame
Senior Member
since 2001-05-11
Posts 1635

6 posted 2002-09-19 03:21 PM



...Thinking of how
At one time such a touch
Might have led to more...

sometimes I think
I was sent the summons
to appear
for my own divorce,
but it got lost in the mail...

Your excellent bite,
like a rare steak...
but well done inside...

bsquirrel
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since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855

7 posted 2002-09-19 03:58 PM


Ron,
Eloquent streetscape
of the desire
for desires.

Mike

[This message has been edited by bsquirrel (09-19-2002 04:17 PM).]

the_loner_23
Member Ascendant
since 2002-06-08
Posts 5479
Jacksonville, Florida, USA
8 posted 2002-09-19 04:00 PM


Awesome piece of work

Cold hands means a warm heart

passing shadows
Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577
displaced
9 posted 2002-09-19 04:06 PM


I won't go through that anymore, I decided that a long time ago. I felt it again though with your writing here...very sad indeed.
Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704

10 posted 2002-09-19 07:58 PM


This hurt to read Ron. Such an ache of melancholy.

My one problem - and it's small - is the word electric. It just doesn't seem to fit the overall mood, but then again - maybe you didn't want it to...

damn fine writing Sir.

K

vandana
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USA
11 posted 2002-09-19 08:00 PM


enjoyed
Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704

12 posted 2002-09-19 08:01 PM


Oh one thing - do you ever post in CA? If not, have you considered it?
Cpat Hair
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Posts 11793

13 posted 2002-09-19 08:09 PM


Thanks to everyone for the replies..they are greatly appreciated.

Severn:
  I struggled with the last word for some time...and it seemed too easy to chose an obvious yet too obtuse or hard to chose the one I did... it could easily have been "important" or "desired" but also too obvious and predictable...the real word here still eludes me..it's in my head but refuses to come out at this time... could be charged...but that too is not in tune with the images or the mood... perhaps you have a suggestion... I'm listening

Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704

14 posted 2002-09-19 08:44 PM


That's the crux of the issue then - what is the 'real' word for this...it's nothing to do with electric..I don't think it's anything to do with the actual feel of the touch at all. Simply because you said it could just have easily have been a word like 'important' or 'desired.'

I think that a concept along the lines of those words is the real word - despite your feeling that such a word might be too obvious or banal. Sometimes, the simplest word can add a touch of light to a poem..it can be like a cog has clicked into place. Electric in this case has the opposite effect, and I guess that comes over to the reader given that I immediately sensed that it was out of place.

It seems to me that you need to let your instinct flow here and accept that you might need a simple word

welcome
invited
vital
wanted

missed - which sounds good to me actually - it is not so obvious in that it refers to the action of not touching, rather than touching. It's simple, with nice sibilance. Missed would be my choice, but really I think if you listen for the simple word that you know is right..you'll hear it soon enough..

K

serenity blaze
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since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

15 posted 2002-09-19 08:50 PM


ahem...scuse me? I disagree...politely of course...

But "electric" was the part I think I liked the most---

I guess it had a personal connotation to me as I once summed up a poem with the following lines:

"We knew that it would be like this--
electric spark on fingertips."

Because it's HOW IT FEELS...

AND electricity being energy? has capacities for good use as well as bad...as someone very wise told me once, there is no such thing as "negative energy"--it either is, or it ISN'T. It's what WE do with it."

He further added, to "consider ourselves as a "battery"--but replace the node terminology with "active" and "receptive" instead of negative and positive or even masculine and feminine, and we would be closer to thinking correctly about the flow of energy that does, and is scientifically proven to transfer from being to being."


Sorry, couldn't help myself...I LIKED the electricity...

Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704

16 posted 2002-09-19 08:56 PM


OMG! A debate in Open. I'm going to...faaaaaaint..

heh

K

Auguste
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By the sea
17 posted 2002-09-19 09:35 PM


I do believe this is some of your better writing.  I found this piece very moving and I would leave "electric" as I think it works well in tying this gem up nicely.
Gentle Spirit
Member Patricius
since 2000-10-09
Posts 13989

18 posted 2002-09-19 09:40 PM


A very poignant yet outstanding write Ron.  Some thoughts to ponder you leave us with indeed.  Well done.

If I have touched one heart through my words, then I have acheived my dream...

Alicia
Member
since 2002-03-22
Posts 279

19 posted 2002-09-19 09:50 PM


~Reading and reading this. It is without doubt my 'poem of the day'. Have this desire to _hear_ it. -- Pleased here. Be too. Thank you. *Peace.
Madame Chipmunk
Member Rara Avis
since 2001-12-05
Posts 8296
Michigan
20 posted 2002-09-19 09:56 PM


This is a fantastic piece of writing... but I have to agree with Karen about the word "electric"  Thats what made it fantastic for me...
The first time David and I kissed, it felt totally electric and thats exactly how I always describe it and so does he.
~ hugs from a chipmunk with an electric kiss

Lyra

copyright2002 Lyra Nesius

"poetry is life distilled"  Gwendolyn Brooks

Duncan
Member Ascendant
since 2001-08-07
Posts 5455

21 posted 2002-09-20 12:23 PM


First of all, Ron, this poem really wrote a moment.  
I have to agree (for the most part) with Severn.  As soon as I read the word 'electric' it didn't seem to fit perfectly.  The feeling the word gave me fit, just not the word.  Though, I liked the overstated effect of it, in a way.  
I like the understated effect of 'missed', also.  
Your moment, Ron.  If it were mine, I'd probably say

Realizing
My touch
Was no longer
Cause for tremble

That's what I like about your poetry, it makes me think.



serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

22 posted 2002-09-20 05:24 AM


back again..because I really like the ending.

I think though, Electric, in this context, might do well, de-emphasized to a perhaps a lower case "e" maybe even italics, with a space between that, and the preceding line, thus:


Realizing
My touch
Was no longer

electric


Just a thought, the extra line space emphasizes the finality and sadness of "was no longer" and the "electric" standing alone--leaves the poem with a contrast in one word--electric, suggesting what used to be...but sadly alone and pathetic in that context? also suggests the harsh electric reality of what passion can become. I also like it separated because it gives the eye a physical sensation--apart from the rest--a nice subconscious touch. But then? *tch* It IS just a suggestion!

Cpat Hair
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since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793

23 posted 2002-09-20 08:34 AM


First... Many thanks to everyone for taking time to read and comment! It is always a pleasure to have someone read your words and take the time to drop a note saying what they thought of them. SO.. Thank you ALL.

Now..the ending...

Duncan, Severn: I realize the ending could be many things, and truly like Duncans suggestion. I also know that any of the words Severn chose would work just as well, with each adding or subtracting in subtle ways from what the reader might take away.
This poem in all honesty, needs to age in my mind for a bit before it gets edited to any degree as it is too personal to me right now for me to be totally objective about how to end it and if I think about it too much..I'll end up deleting it from my archives....so...Thank you..and I will file these thoughts with the poem for now and perhaps revisit it again one of these days when that "right" word or phrase comes to the surface.


Ser.... Hard to imagine you having an opinion and willing to share it.
I understand your thougths for they were in large part how I ended up with electric. The comments on changing the form of the poem to seperate the last word are good...and I really should pay more attention to the visual impact of words on a page than I do. All too often the words as we have talked, write themselves from somewhare( I don't know where) and once released on paper defy me to change or monkey with. For now the word remains Electric....and perhaps there are more than one version of this poem that will survive... thanks my friend for the thoughts and the comments....they are always appreciated.

Madam Chipmunk... you just made me blush... hugs back at you my dear lady...


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