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anya
Member

since 2002-07-27

Posts 393
London, UK

0 posted 2002-09-08 06:12 AM

So you are going away to The Far South Land,
I hope I didn't do anything to make you want to go so far,
you say it's just that the rain is getting you down some,
I always knew a flower like you would bloom brighter in the sun,
I worry that you wont be your joyous self there,
but secretly know a smile like yours transcends hemispheres,
but you now need to know,
not everyone's intentions are as good as yours,
not everyone keeps that six year old innocence,
I wish we were back being eight years old,
when being apart was only a half truth,
that was too far in the future to be real,
and watching you leave is becoming too much,
it's making me feel so alone,
knowing soon we will be staring up at different skies.

[This message has been edited by anya (09-08-2002 06:30 AM).]

Severn
Member Rara Avis

since 1999-07-17

Posts 7704

1 posted 2002-09-08 06:17 AM

Anya, I like this piece...

You welcome critiques so I'd just like to suggest that you take a look at all your commas on the end of every line. And then you start other lines with initial caps. I experiment myself with punctuation, it just pays to be consistent, and find a pattern that makes some sense...I suggest that if you want to keep the lines with the initial capitals, that you change the commas before them into fullstops/periods etc...

hugs, this is a tender write, and I can feel (and identify with) the pain in it.

K

VAS
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-11-16

Posts 7450
Oregon

2 posted 2002-09-08 12:26 PM

yes, a very heartfelt piece and Severn has made some excellent suggestions

enjoyed the read, anya

hope your friend soon does not feel so far away

Whether on the shoal or on the shore,
I'll seek the lighthouse evermore.

Magnus

Member Laureate

since 2001-10-10

Posts 14135
South Carolina, USA

3 posted 2002-09-08 03:45 PM

I agree to the comments/suggestions...and
also that this is a tender write, which
shows a lot of feelings within....

anya
Member

since 2002-07-27

Posts 393
London, UK

4 posted 2002-09-08 05:12 PM

thankyou for the comments, and thankyou Severn for the advice, unfourtuantly VAS my friend, well actually my sister, won't seem near for a long time as she is moving to South Africa,
anya

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