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Open Poetry #22
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Ode to Gaia (Revised)
| Open Poetry #22 |
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Ode to Gaia (Revised) |
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Kethry Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-29
Posts 9082Victoria Australia 
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* I don't know if this is a true sonnet but I am considering entering it in a competition for modern sonnets and would like some feedback before I do. *HuGS* In you, my love, the sun does brightly shine The layers of pollution cast aside The treasures of the city that are mine I will surrender to your rising tide All precious hope of warmth you bring and more While chill of winter holds us in its hand You are awake in promise, granting more You are the way to healing of the land You show the pathway through destruction's line Hold creation's promise we were given Though time and space bars way that shows all's fine Gifted by a tiny touch of heaven Above the stars and earth you gently shine Can you redeem this world that's blind, in time? Here in the midst of my lonely abyss, a single joy I find...your presence in my mind. Unknown [This message has been edited by Kethry (09-09-2002 09:58 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 Lynne Dale - All Rights Reserved | |||
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VAS Member Rara Avis
since 2000-11-16
Posts 7450Oregon |
It has the right number of lines and each line seems to have the accents in the right place/order/count, save one, can't remember which one. However, my exposure to the parameters of the form is minimal so don't take my word for it, by any means. One thing I would recommend, put a comma after "my love" as well as before since it's a synonym of 'you' in the line. VAS Whether on the shoal or on the shore, |
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Marsha
since 2000-07-10
Posts 7423Maidstone Kent England |
Keth darling heart sister and painter of the moon’s softened light see how quickly I scamper back to sit beside you and drink you in. Just when I believe you have spun all the magic you possibly can, you do it again and I’m left wondering at the apparent ease you have in crafting something so wonderful. I love this darling heart utterly utterly love it, have you any concept how special your writing is to me? Quote All precious hope of warmth you bring and more While chill of winter holds us in its hand You are awakening promise, granting more You are the way to healing of the land You show the pathway through destruction's line Build anew the promise we were given Through time and space you come to show all's fine Always I read it and ALWAYS, But ALWAYS I marvel at how wonderfully your words flow. Lyrical and poetically dancing down the page to pirouette in perfect steps of splendour. And this is utterly utterly wonderful, its perfect, warming, passionate and very well written   Love and warm stuff As always Mushy  Breathe through the heat of our desire |
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laryalee2 Member
since 2002-05-22
Posts 96British Columbia, Canada |
This is one of my favorite topics, and you've done it up just wonderfully! A heartfelt ode, a love song, a sonnet of appreciation...  Lary |
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Mistletoe Angel 
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
 (smiles) Oh Kethry, this is wonderful, sweet friend, I LOVE IT!!! (kiss on cheek) This belongs in the contest definitely, I'd take Virginia's suggestion and then, it looks polished to me! Yay!!! Bravo, sweet friend, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Kethry, thank you for sharing!  May love and light always shine upon you! Love, Noah Eaton "Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..." |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
How cool! Yes, this sounds and reads sonnet-like to me, but I am not an expert in this department. Definitely enter it! |
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ethome Member Patricius
since 2000-05-14
Posts 11858New Brunswick Canada |
Nicely written Keth It reads like a good sonnet to me. |
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Aimster Member Elite
since 2000-02-19
Posts 4297Charlotte, NC |
keth, beautiful sonnet indeed..i say enter it! hope you win...you truly do have such a beautiful way with words...this is just lovely *sighs* take care love amy "if irish eyes are smiling...they are probably up to something" :) |
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Seymour Tabin Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720Tamarac Fla |
Keth, It reads good to me but your best bet is to ask Balladeer. |
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Magnus
since 2001-10-10
Posts 14135South Carolina, USA |
Keth...if I read it right....I saw two lines that each have 11 syllables per line, vice the traditional 10... First one was: Line 7 and the second was Line 12....IF I am reading them correctly, both have 11 syllables....Trust me, I am not an expert on sonnets, and this is a very nicely written one... Just attempting to help ya sharpen your pencil... Whatcha think? I think you are headed in the right direction... Barry/Mag... maybe..."You are awake in promise, granting more" that's one thought... [This message has been edited by Magnus (09-08-2002 12:24 PM).] |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
Keth--"You gift us with a tiny glimpse of heav'n". Linda |
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Sven
since 1999-11-23
Posts 14937East Lansing, MI USA |
great work here Keth. . . this does indeed fit the "modern sonnet" idea because it kind of falls outside the lines of a "traditional sonnet". . . good luck my friend. . . ------------------------------------------------------ To the world, you may only be one person. But to one person, you may be the world. |
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Pilgrimage Member Elite
since 2001-12-04
Posts 3945Texas, USA |
Keth, if you seriously want a crit, here it is: (If not just ignore please) In you, my love, the sun does brightly shine(you've used 'does' to fill out your meter. Try to do it without that because it's a common device, and easy to spot. Maybe try, 'My love, in you the sun so brightly shines') The layers of pollution cast aside The treasures of the city that are mine(.) I will surrender to your rising tide(.) All precious hope of warmth you bring and more(,) While chill of winter holds us in its hand(While winter's chill still holds us in its hand,) You are awake in promise, granting more(--) You are the way to healing of the land You show the pathway through destruction's line Hold creation's promise we were given(Your meter is off here. You've gone trochee.) Though time and space bars way that shows all's fine(this line is okay, but read aloud it's difficult. See if you can get something that reads smoother) Gifted by a tiny touch of heaven(and you've gone trochee again in this one. There's nothing wrong with trochee, but since the rest is in iambic pentameter you should be consistent) Above the stars and earth you gently shine Can you redeem this world that's blind, in time? It's good like it stands, but since it's for a contest I thought I'd do a deeper critique for you. Nan(Pilgrim variety) |
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