Forgive Us For We Knew Not

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VAS
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-11-16

Posts 7450
Oregon

0 posted 2002-09-07 03:27 PM

I'm reading "A Rift in Time" by Michael Phillips. Chapter 8 inspired the following. I know it needs work, maybe even a longer page. Please give me your thoughts on its construction and clarity. Not looking for discussion as to its premise, though. We each would have our own thoughts on that.

Forgive Us For We Knew Not

we walked
we talked, yet
so much a part of each other
words seemed almost unnecessary
for He would impart to me
His love
the trust I held in Him
told me I could open my every need
my every desire
without fear
for they were already dear
to Him

as I looked at flora
and fauna
about me
saw lives intertwining
in gentle beauty
saw the outcome
of their camaraderie
it set about a longing in me,
sleep came filling me with peace

He touched my side,
caressed my dreams

I awoke
as gentle stroke
brought profound peace
and tender tears cleansed our cheeks
as our lives became woven
with the joy
of His
gift

and then a rift
of darkness stole Him from my side
and we
she and I
stepped into the grayness of our future
disobedience stealing our Light
bringing night
and cold
and pain
to bear there
in sorrow
this Adam leaves
with Eve at my sleeve
to grieve
within this tangled weave

©September 7, 2002

1ST REVISION
Forgive Us For We Knew Not

we walked
we talked,
so much a part of each other
words seemed unnecessary
He would impart to me
His love,
the trust I held in Him
told me I could open
my every need
my every desire
without fear
for they were dear
to Him

I looked at flora
and fauna
about me,
saw lives intertwining
in gentle beauty
saw the outcome
of their camaraderie
it became a longing in me,
until sleep came filling me with peace

He touched my side,
caressed my dreams

I awoke
as gentle stroke
brought profound peace
and tears cleansed our cheeks
as our lives became woven
with the joy
of His
gift

and then a rift
of darkness
stole Him from my side
and we,
she and I
stepped into the grayness of our future
disobedience stole our Light
bringing night
and cold
and pain
and sorrow

this Adam leaves
with Eve at my side
to grieve
within this tangled weave

©September 7, 2002

Whether on the shoal or on the shore,
I'll seek the lighthouse evermore.

[This message has been edited by VAS (09-07-2002 06:14 PM).]

Mistletoe Angel

Member Empyrean

since 2000-12-17

Posts 32816
Portland, Oregon

1 posted 2002-09-07 03:34 PM

BRAVO!!! Oh my gosh, I am not familiar with the works of Michael Philips but now after reading this I can tell he has remarkable writing and have a half a mind immediately to go check him out! (kiss on cheek) This is powerful, sweet friend, I LOVE IT, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Virginia, thank you for sharing!

May love and light always shine upon you!

Love,
Noah Eaton

"Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..."

Shakira

Tiersdin
Member Elite

since 2000-11-17

Posts 2364
east coast

2 posted 2002-09-07 03:40 PM

VAS, I really enjoyed this... I think it's a great peice.

Bravo!
~Tier

"I shall never bond again, as I have bonded with you..."

Kethry
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-29

Posts 9082
Victoria Australia

3 posted 2002-09-07 06:25 PM

VAS,
I loved the first revision you've tightened it somewhat and I liked the way it flowed in both pieces.
Kethry

Here in the midst of my lonely abyss, a single joy I find...your presence in my mind. Unknown

A. L. Becker
Member

since 2002-09-06

Posts 167
San Francisco, California

4 posted 2002-09-07 06:36 PM

dear VAS,
i love the theme, it's not something i've seen before.
mightn't "disobedience" be "pride?"
Annika:-

"Oh, do not ask, 'What is it?'
Let us go and make our visit."
-Eliot

VAS
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-11-16

Posts 7450
Oregon

5 posted 2002-09-07 06:57 PM

perhaps
but that is only one form

in my mind, I was seeing Adam so taken with the gift of Eve that he forgot to keep his eyes on the Giver and together
they, he and Eve, took their eyes off their Creator
and allowed the Light to be stolen
from their view
finding their future
shrouded in shadows
pain
sorrow

Whether on the shoal or on the shore,
I'll seek the lighthouse evermore.

A. L. Becker
Member

since 2002-09-06

Posts 167
San Francisco, California

6 posted 2002-09-08 02:51 PM

dear VAS,
on second thought, there was no sin before the disobedience, and since pride is a sin, it could not have preceded the disobedience. so you see, your poem has made me think, and for that you should be "proud!" LOL.
Annie:-

"Oh, do not ask, 'What is it?'
Let us go and make our visit."
-Eliot

Enchantress
Member Empyrean

since 2001-08-14

Posts 35113
Canada eh.

7 posted 2002-09-08 04:57 PM

Very profound write here Virginia...I see it as an apology from Adam and Eve for having taken their eyes off the Giver, concentrating more on the gift of each other and their surroundings.
Very well written indeed and leaves the reader pondering many thoughts.
Enjoyed the read so much!
~Hugs, Nancy~

the_loner_23
Member Ascendant

since 2002-06-08

Posts 5479
Jacksonville, Florida, USA

8 posted 2002-09-08 04:57 PM

Awesome

Cold hands means a warm heart

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