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Tammy Blessing
Member

since 2002-08-26

Posts 366
PA

0 posted 2002-08-27 10:21 AM

Hello again all. Thanks for the warm welcome. I must admit my first post was one of my personal favorites

Couldn't have ya'll thinking poorly of me right off the bat!! Here's one I started a long time ago that is in SERIOUS need of work (at least to my mind) any and all comments will be greatfully acepted and appreciated.Including spelling remarks. LOL.Thanks. Tammy

VALKIRIE

In fury she bounds
On fiery steed
To vanquish his foes
And fill his need

Wrought in Hell
Her helmet glares
BEWARE
Her eyes
So cold a stare

Thousands seek
To win her hand
Yet flee before
Her fiery brand

(This is the part I can't get right and keep changing)
Original verse:

Demon be gone
Leave us few
We'll lanquish in Hell
Before bow to you

(I just don't really like it..what do you think?)

New version:

Demon or Valkirie
Lover of loss
This battle we'll win
No matter it's cost

Like I said...work in progress...Thanks for reading it anyway.

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean

since 2000-02-02

Posts 27738

1 posted 2002-08-27 10:48 AM

Tammy I missed your debut, but I like the goth sort of pace to this...I do see what you mean about the last verse, it does read rather awkward, but hugs to you, and here are a couple of links I have found helpful:
http://www.ultralingua.net/dictionary/

AND...

http://dictionary.langenberg.com/

and I like this one just for ideas in a dry spell--

http://phrontistery.50megs.com/

Welcome to Passions--I hope I could be of some help.

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

2 posted 2002-08-27 11:19 AM

Tammy, a clue: Always listen to the Serene One. She has a plethora of great ideas, she just THINKS no one ever listens

You may also want to look into our Critical Analysis Forum - a great place for feedback on poems such as this....

are you having fun yet?

Seymour Tabin
Member Empyrean

since 1999-07-07

Posts 31720
Tamarac Fla

3 posted 2002-08-27 11:29 AM

Tammy,
Good advice above, I like the last stanza.

Mistletoe Angel

Member Empyrean

since 2000-12-17

Posts 32816
Portland, Oregon

4 posted 2002-08-27 09:34 PM

(smiles) Wow, oh my gosh, I love this so much, this is so original, and yes, if you truly want your wonderful poetr yto be polished even more, follow Karen's advice! (sigh) This is excellent, sweet friend, I love it, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Tammy, thank you for sharing!

May love and light always shine upon you!

Love,
Noah Eaton

"Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..."

Shakira

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