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Open Poetry #21
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Birth Cove
| Open Poetry #21 |
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Birth Cove |
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R. Dean Junior Member
since 2002-07-26
Posts 37Illinois--USA |
It was a quiet labor for our common mother: her saline womb progenitor of tears before she knew of pain, before her microscopic fledglings ever dreamed of breasts and breach and breath upon the shore. Tearing at the pile of eons, I can see myself there, coasting on that evolutionary wave where sand and sea conjoin. Inland waterways won't wash away those primal spores that call me back; I need to see the lighthouse, feel the scabrous sting within my nostrils, need the ocean's portrait of eternity before me, there where water, wind, and firmament cohabited, there where I began, and where I must return. Yours in peace, Dean [This message has been edited by R. Dean (07-26-2002 03:59 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 R. Dean Ludden - All Rights Reserved | |||
Lady In White
since 2001-02-12
Posts 2799USA |
Welcome to Passions. I believe you're going to like it here! |
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paladin
since 2001-08-05
Posts 930Pensacola,Fl. |
Your first post is a study in insight of our common life.Wellcome to Passions.I look forward to more of your work.Look for a special e-mail wellcome. paladin |
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Enchantress Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113Canada eh. |
WELCOME TO PASSIONS!! Wonderful Entrance Post! I look forward to seeing more of your work! ~Hugs, Nancy~ ~Somewhere in my heart I'm always |
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Magnus
since 2001-10-10
Posts 14135South Carolina, USA |
Welcome to Passions...I must say this is a very nice and well thought out poem... |
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Mistletoe Angel 
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
  BRAVO!!! Oh my gosh, this is a powerfully faithful debut, sweet friend, I love it, the lighthouse is always in that distance and may your heart always find it, I LOVE IT!!! Welcome to Passions, sweet R. Dean, may you be inspired by all of us here as we will all be inspired by your lovely words! (smiles) I can't wait to read more of your lovely words, sweet friend, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet R. Dean, thank you for sharing!  May love and light always shine upon you! Love, Noah Eaton "Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..." |
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Tea Lady Junior Member
since 2002-07-11
Posts 26 |
I've read this several times, pausing at several different lines I really liked. I would like to say you put much effort into this and it shows. I'd also like to say that's a compliment. I will look forward to reading more of you. Well done, indeed. |
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R. Dean Junior Member
since 2002-07-26
Posts 37Illinois--USA |
Thanks to all of you for your warm welcome. Please do feel free to be hard on me, as well. I constantly wish to improve, and will never resent a negative critique...particularly when I can learn from it. Yours in peace, |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
Welcome to the family, I look forward to reading more from you.  |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
hmmm... funny, I was working on something of a similar theme-- I enjoyed the play of elements as a longing for "home". Welcome, sir! I shall be reading.  |
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Madame Chipmunk Member Rara Avis
since 2001-12-05
Posts 8296Michigan |
Welcome to passions, Dean... I enjoyed your poem and look forward to reading more of your work. ~ welcoming hugsLyra |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Critique as requested Appeal of writing style: high. poetic devices: good metaphor: interesting cliches: only one that I can see. sentence structure: mostly good, though I think your formatting has led to some glitches when you copied it over. (Easily fixed of course). The cliche, well I think the use of eternity is one. That word, and applying it to things that seem ageless - like the ocean for example - has been used countless times. I love this line: 'before her microscopic fledglings ever dreamed of breasts and breach and breath upon the shore.' Now, getting remarkably nit-picky, (usually reserved for those who know me well enough to tolerate me) I honestly think that this: 'Tearing at the pile of eons, I can see myself there, coasting on that evolutionary wave' would read better with one change: Tearing at the pile of eons, I can see myself there, coasting on an evolutionary wave' using a specific 'that' before a noun is a common poetic device that is, in my opinion, over done. What evolutionary wave exactly? Are there more than one, so that you have to point out a specific one? Lol...The same applies to 'those primal spores' (which is a nice image btw) I personally don't like the word cohabited - I just think you could come up with a word that fits a little better with the rest of the line...something about the sound of it, and it's a very sterile word. This poem is hardly sterile. I like it - and will look out for more of your work for sure...welcome btw..  K |
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R. Dean Junior Member
since 2002-07-26
Posts 37Illinois--USA |
I do like the crit, Severn, and will consider your suggestions very carefully, particularly "eternity" where you hit it on the head, I think. Suggestions for an alternative, there? Yours in peace, |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
thinking - will get back to you on that... K |
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brian sites Senior Member
since 2002-06-25
Posts 1475usa |
nice! looking forward to more BS. I never aimed at reality; I aimed at truth. --Orson Welles |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
I enjoyed this very much...Welcome to Passions! |
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Seymour Tabin Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720Tamarac Fla |
R. Dean Welcome and well done, enjoyed. |
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Goodknight Member Elite
since 2002-06-15
Posts 2386Ohio, USA |
a very enjoyable and well written poem - welcome to Passions - Paul |
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R. Dean Junior Member
since 2002-07-26
Posts 37Illinois--USA |
Again, I thank all of you for your warm welcome. You are most gracious. Please know that I am always desirous of improvement, and will happily accept all crits. Don't be easy on me. I may not always change what I have written (though I often do) but I can always learn from your observations. Yours in peace, |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Back again. The way it reads now - with the eternity metaphor - it sounds as if the ocean is offering the subject eternity. I think if you were to reduce the image to a focus on the scope of the ocean - as something enigmatic, or ageless, or huge. That way the ocean would become a character within the poem, in a sense - which is a nice juxtaposition to the actual subject... question for you - have you encountered the Critical Analysis forum yet? I know how keen you are to critique and be critiqued...just a couple of things to ponder that I thought I'd throw in: you've mentioned that you'd like people to go 'hard' on your writing...generally at passions this doesn't happen. Even in CA - sometimes it does, yes - but generally that's only if a person has requested a harsh critique, denoted by a message in the constructive critique option in their profiles, or that you'll read when you go to post a reply. You've come to a gentle home If no such message is posted but the critique flag is operating, I'd suggest critiquing softly...btw - if I ever get round to posting poetry again haha you can feel free to rip my stuff apart from one critiquer to another...  K[This message has been edited by Severn (07-29-2002 07:06 AM).] |
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R. Dean Junior Member
since 2002-07-26
Posts 37Illinois--USA |
Thanks, Severn. I shall grok upon all of that. Yours in peace, |
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