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Open Poetry #21
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Balladeer
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Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

0 posted 2002-07-11 10:20 PM



When Toerag opened up his door his face showed wide surprise
'Cause there were Balladeer and LongJohn right before his eyes.
Few people came to call on Toerag, being what he was
And nobody was friendly to him. Why? Well, just because..

Yet there were Balladeer and LongJohn, kingpins of the 'hood
Standing there at Toerag's door and looking mighty good.
LongJohn said, "Hey, Toerag! How ya doing?", with a smile.
"The 'Deer thought you and I and him could bum around a while."

This invitation seemed to worry Toerag to no end
Since nobody in their right mind would treat him like afriend.
Choosing teams in ball games he was always last to go..
When everyone was picked, someone would mutter, "We'll take Toe."

So, with an air of trepidation, he said, "Doing what?",
While trying hard to ease that worried feeling in his gut.
Balladeer just smiled and took a small drag on his Kool
And said, "We thought we'd go downtown and shoot a little pool."

Well, Toerag's eyes lit up just like a cheap pin-ball machine!
His face took on a glow the likes of which they'd never seen.
He did his best to keep straight face and tried hard not to gloat
Then laughed and said, "Hold on, my friends! I'm gonna get my coat!!"

You see, in every phase of life Toerag was one big fool
But that boy was unbeatable whenever he shot pool.
Some instant transformation happened when he held a cue
And there was not a thing on velvet green he could not do.

Side Pocket Sam's was lively with the night's activity
With smoke so thick from cigarettes the eyes could barely see.
Hustler-types and amateurs filled tables left and right.
Four letter words and yells of triumph rang throughout the night.

Bal and Toe and LongJohn found a table in the rear
And shot some games of 8-ball downing mugs of ice-cold beer.
Toerag easily beat them both to no one's great surprise,
Enjoying his new role as being "just one of the guys".

Toe was winding up one game with "eight-ball in the side",
His face was flushed from Budweiser, his chest stuck out with pride
When one loud voice called out, "Hey, punk! You wanna shoot with me?"
Toe whirled and stared into the beady eyes of Larry C.

Now Larry was a small-time hustler, capable at best.
Of all the shooters there, I guess that he could beat the rest
But Toe was in another class and Larry could not win...
Then Larry shouted out, "Hey, punk! You wanna shoot?", again.

"Sure", Toe replied, "just rack 'em up then stand aside and watch.
I'll run the balls on you and stick the 8-ball in your crotch!"
Larry laughed and said, "I ain't here playing just for fun.
Two hundred Washingtons it costs to take my money, son."

"Two hundred dollars?!", Toe cried out. "Are you some kind of dumb??
I only get ten bucks a week allowance from my mom!"
Then Balladeer said, "Toe, come here. You're better than that guy.
LongJohn and I will put the cash up if you wanna try."

"You guys would do that for me?". Toe was almost moved to tears.
"Thank God that I have friends like you.....here, let me buy the beers!"
He turned around to Larry and said, "Put your money down.
I'll show you that you're second-best when Toerag comes to town!"

By now each patron in the place had come to gather 'round
And, though the place was filled up there was not one single sound.
Four hundred dollars wasn't peanuts in this little bar
And stories would be told for years about this 8-Ball war.

The balls were racked and Toerag broke...the 3-ball in the side.
He made two other balls then left the fourth shot slightly wide.
Then Larry C made two balls drop with some outstanding play
But missed the next shot badly and the game was underway.

They traded shots one time, then two as tension filled the air.
Still not a sound escaped the lips of all who gathered there
And then a crucial moment came, the one deciding shot
That would decide if Toerag would come out ahead or not.

The balls were set up perfectly! If Toerag made the nine
The other balls remaining were set perfectly in line.
He only had to make the one shot - put that sucker in
And it would all be over and our boy Toerag would win.

Everyone could see it, that it was the crucial play.
Even Larry C. looked at the table in dismay.
Toerag walked around the table, studying the shot
The sweat was pouring down his face - his throat was dry and hot.

Finally his mind was set - as much as it could be.
He chalked the cue and smiled at 'Deer and LongJohn happily.
He then bent down but, just before he tried to make the ball
A loud, resounding PPPPBBBBBRRRRTTTT!!! echoed through the hall!

Toerag jerkedup quickly as his eyes looked all around,
Trying to find the person who produced that evil sound.
Who would dare to cut one loose? That's what he'd like to know!
But everyone there in the room was staring right at Toe!

Toerag's head shook NO as if to say "it wasn't me!"
But everyone just looked at him and frowned, disgustedly.
Toe then looked at Balladeer but he just shook his head...
At that point Toe was feeling like he wished that he were dead.

The truth is that it wasn't Toe that made that noise at all!
It was that scoundrel LongJohn standing back against the wall.
He had a tiny whoopee cushion placed between his knees
And, at the second Toe bent over, he gave it a squeeze.

Toe turned back toward the table,trying to forget
Everything that happened except winning Larry's bet.
Again he studied long and hard, made up his mind and then
Bent over....and the PPPBBBRRTTTT!!!!! sounded out again!

Toe jumped straight up and whirled around, his face a solid red.
One woman gasped, another gagged, another shook her head.
The men all looked disgusted. How foul could one human be?
Poor Toe just stood there shaking, stammering, "It wasn't me!"

Again Toe grabbed the cuestick. By this time our boy was pissed!
He tried to shoot it standing straight up and,of course, he missed.
Larry C then shot and, by the time his turn was done,
All the balls had disappeared and victory was won.

Driving home, Toe did his darnedest to apologize
But Balladeer and LongJohn had pure loathing in their eyes.
They dropped him off without a word, unmindful of his plea
Then went back to Side Pocket Sam's to meet with Larry C.

Larry gave their money back....a hundred to each man
Since all of this had been a brilliant, orchestrated plan.
That Balladeer and LongJohn cooked the whole thing up, you know
'Cause it was so much fun to make a big fool out of Toe.

And Toerag still apologizes twenty times a day.
He does their laundry, washes cars,in effort to repay
Them for the confidence they showed in their friend Toe that night.
They lost their money on him.....he felt it was only right.

I have some other tales to tell of good tricks played on Toe
Such as the night we told him there was gold in yellow snow
And that night we put super-glue on his stool at the bar
But I'll tell you another time - Toe's here to wash my car!!



© Copyright 2002 Michael Mack - All Rights Reserved
the_loner_23
Member Ascendant
since 2002-06-08
Posts 5479
Jacksonville, Florida, USA
1 posted 2002-07-11 10:21 PM


LOL Your poems are so hilarious.

Cold hands means a warm heart

Balladeer
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Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA
2 posted 2002-07-11 10:22 PM


That is the fastest reading of a poem I have ever witnessed in my life.....thank you.
Sunshine
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since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
3 posted 2002-07-11 10:31 PM



Read aloud and chuckled along...
it took me a bit longer...

When we get past all the laughter, there's something I must say,
that for here and ever after, it's best friends you all shall stay...

Mistletoe Angel
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since 2000-12-17
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Portland, Oregon
4 posted 2002-07-11 10:33 PM




(smiles) Oh Balladeer, this is too much, sweet friend, this reminded me of Frank Zappa's song, that's for sure! LOL! This is excellent and cleverly hysterical writing as always, sweet friend, I love it, we all love you so much!



May love and light always shine upon you!

Love,
Noah Eaton

"Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..."

Shakira

catalinamoon
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Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-03
Posts 9543
The Shores of Alone
5 posted 2002-07-11 10:39 PM


Oh geez, I am laughing like a fool here.  I like the part about the two kingpins of the hood LOL
Sandra

Seymour Tabin
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since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720
Tamarac Fla
6 posted 2002-07-11 10:43 PM


Balladeer,
Don't know how you do it, enjoyed.

Madame Chipmunk
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since 2001-12-05
Posts 8296
Michigan
7 posted 2002-07-11 10:50 PM


This is so funny that I think I will laugh all night, Michael...
I especially loved the whoopie cushion.
My kids used to have one of those and they were forever fooling people with that noise.
Victor even brought it to school one day and put it on his teacher's chair.
This is truly one of the funniest poems I've ever read here.
~ hugs of hysterical laughter

Lyra

copyright2002 Lyra Nesius

"poetry is life distilled"  Gwendolyn Brooks

SmartChick
Member Rara Avis
since 2001-09-23
Posts 7081
On A Journey To The Unknown
8 posted 2002-07-11 11:09 PM


LOL! This is so funny. You tell the best stoties, Balladeer.I enjoyed this clear down to the last word.
Duncan
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since 2001-08-07
Posts 5455

9 posted 2002-07-11 11:41 PM


Damn, you're good.  Funniest thing I've read in a long time!

How many redheads will it take to get one little puppy to class?

Kethry
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-29
Posts 9082
Victoria Australia
10 posted 2002-07-12 11:47 AM


a funny, funny story.
Kethry

Here in the midst of my lonely abyss, a single joy I find...your presence in my mind.  Unknown



jellybeans
Member Elite
since 2000-10-13
Posts 2298

11 posted 2002-07-12 11:59 AM


rofg@the poem, the wit and the fun...thank you sir bal...I sure neeede the smiles

and ROFG@quickest reading of a poem.....

suthern
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Louisiana
12 posted 2002-07-12 12:04 PM


Sweet Toe, I've been telling you that you need to find better friends... those rascally scalawags have no class whatsoever! But your kind heart just can't comprehend the depths of meanness they're capable of and known for... They laugh, dear heart... but perhaps a little of your goodness will one day rub off on them... though I don't hold much hope for such miracles. And until then, Bal's car certainly appreciates your efforts to clean the bug stench out... Now if only Bal and LJA would take a bath???

ROFL... This is a good 'un, Bal... but you know Toe isn't friendless... he was just anxious to get out of the house and away from me! LOL

LngJhnAg
Member Elite
since 1999-07-23
Posts 3508
Boot+Kitty=Poetry in motion
13 posted 2002-07-12 03:43 PM


'Deer - You are the best!  ROFL - Poor ol' Toe is such and easy mark.  I wish he was a woman!  lol
nakdthoughts
Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200
Between the Lines
14 posted 2002-07-12 05:03 PM


well you will have to tell Toerag that  you stole his  10 out of 10...he will know  what I mean..*s...

hey I have a superglue story but I am not sure it won't get put into adults since it is about a wife catching her husband in bed with a neighbor...and  what got glued sent him to the hospital...true story cross my heart (wish I  could have thought of that when I needed to)

what is great, is how well you keep not only the rhythm and  meter  but the rhyme in your tales...
M

Marsha
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Maidstone Kent England
15 posted 2002-07-12 08:43 PM


’Deer dearest heart how utterly perfect is this. Always you make me laugh and bring a huge grin, and without fail your writing always always is the one that is a cut above. Not only does it proclaim its quality by its perfect meter rhyme and rhythm but it is so incredibly funny. It scores on every point just as you have scored a certain hit with this beauty.

You know I love it and I shall be laughing long into the night with this one, it is a keeper for sure, okay its true they all are but some and re-read more than others, this falls into that category

What more could I want a piece of chocolate, a ‘Deer delight and a glass of wine, simply bliss. Wonderful utterly utterly wonderful writing, I love it  


Love and warm stuff
As always
Mushy

Breathe through the heat of our desire
Thy coolness and they balm
Let sense be dumb let flesh retire
Speak through the earthquake wind and fire

Balladeer
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since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA
16 posted 2002-07-12 08:59 PM


Sunshine...Friends? With those two? You may be right

Noah...I thank you for placing me in the company of Zappa!!

Sandra...Thank you! LOL! I'm sure you have a wonderful laugh!

Sy..It's all those chemicals

Madame C...you don't know how it warms my heart to come up with things that make you smile.....thank you, sweet chipmunk girl

Smartchick...Great! I'm glad you enjoyed this true story!!

Duncan...high praise that I appreciate! Oh, btw, ONE redhead, I think!

Kethry...thank you for your stutter!

jellybeans...it makes me happy to make you smile and, yep, I'm calling Guiness Book of World Records tomorrow!!

Suthern...the only thing Toe's "goodness" rubs of on are the gals at Hooters!!!

LongJohn...you mean he's not?!?! Good to see ya, sailor!

nakdthoughts...LOL! Sounds like that story would would go straight to adult indeed! (but it sounds like one heck of a story!) Thanks for the 10!!

Mushy...I'll bring the chocolate and wine in September....and plenty of Deer delights!! Thanks, m'lady....

Larry C
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United States
17 posted 2002-07-14 12:15 PM


'Deer,
Anytime, anytime. Dang that was fun! I gotta say...Toe is a great guy when times are rough. But otherwise, well let's do it again. ROTFLMBO Thanks Michael.

If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again.

Toerag
Member Ascendant
since 1999-07-29
Posts 5622
Ala bam a
18 posted 2002-07-15 08:08 AM


Yassee?....Yassee how he treats me?....I never have anything but kind words for these guys then they take advantage of my good nature?....what's a sweet guy like me to do?....Just turn the other cheek like I always do I guess.....(sniff, pout, pondering revenge).....
suthern
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since 1999-07-29
Posts 20723
Louisiana
19 posted 2002-07-15 08:44 AM


Whatever cheek he turns is gorgeous... so I'll be watching and waiting! LOL
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