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Open Poetry #21
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love suffocates
| Open Poetry #21 |
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love suffocates |
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jaded Junior Member
since 2001-07-24
Posts 20 |
Hey guys, I havent been here for too long now so I thought id drop by for a while and also ask what you guys think of this, I've literally just written it now to try and help me get it out of my system - girl problems as usual! the verses are kinda disjointed, it might make it a bit less pleasant to read in this structure, but i hope it adds to the confused, almost lonely feel Love Suffocates I want to say your name but i cant i want to get you out of my head but you wont leave all i can do is put words in the air but you wont hear them I want to say something big, but its too soon, your in my system, I cant get you out your name falls from my lips but im gagged I want to hold on but I dont want to suffocate When I'm with you im alive I never want it to end As the clocks mark the sands of time I'll wait for you The stars will still spell out your name I wont forget I just hope you'll feel the same one day. |
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| © Copyright 2002 jaded - All Rights Reserved | |||
Mistletoe Angel 
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
 (big hugggssssss) I'm sorry that you've had difficulties lately, sweet friend, you have a very loving heart and I know in no time you will find the perfect girl who will be so lucky to know you! (sigh) This is powerful, sweet friend, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Jaded, thank you for sharing!  May love and light always shine upon you! Love, Noah Eaton "Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..." |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Jaded, I think you're on a good start to letting the angst loose. What I would like to see you work on, as well, is your grammar, punctuation, etc. That shows that you care enough about your poetry to put it in the best light possible. Looking forward to reading more from you! |
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jaded Junior Member
since 2001-07-24
Posts 20 |
thanks Noah, your a very kind guy and I appreciate greatly what you have to say.. and that goes the same for Sunshine too, I totally agree with what you have to say - I should have put more focus onto those aspects aswell, but instead concentrated more on what I was trying to say rather than how.. I will give it an edit and will also bear this in mind with future poems thanks, jaded |
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